broken as i • a kylo ren story

iii (xxii)

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you woke up the next day right before the sun rose. you walked over to your bag and looked for some clothes to wear.

while searching the bag, you noticed that you packed kylos shirt. you picked up the piece of clothing, and took a whiff of it. it still smelled like him, so you pulled the shirt close to your chest. you proceeded to get ready, pulling your hair back so it wouldnt get in your way throughout the day.

you finished just in time, and walked out of your hut to be greeted by luke.

"good morning!" you said to him.

"hello, y/n. lets get started." he replied. he lead the two of you over to a mountaintop, and told you to sit. you obeyed him, sitting comfortably on the surface. "today, we are going to be focusing on awareness."

"o...okay." you said back. you couldnt lie, you were extremely nervous. you didnt know what luke was going to have you do and that was what scared you.

"close your eyes, and let the force flow through you."

"what does the force have to do with this?" you asked.

"everything. the force is what binds the universe together, which means it is in control at all times. things dont just happen without reason, y/n."

"right..." you knew this already. you preached it. you were a strong believer in both the force and the idea that things happen with reason, so why were you acting so clueless?

you closed your eyes and put your into a calm state of mind. you could feel the force inside of you- in every nerve, in every cell, in every part of your body.

"lesson one, you need to understand that whatever situation caused you pain- happened for a reason. you can not blame yourself for any of it, that is one of the most important parts of recovering from it all. while in a relaxed mindset, you find yourself to be more concious of this. so i recommend that you mediate ever so often to help."

you absorbed everything that luke was saying to you like a sponge. you knew that what he was saying was entirely correct. none of it was your fault to begin with- your parents were ultimately the ones to blame. but, the reason why they left...was you. so how could you not believe it was your fault?

you started to feel your body lifting up from the surface you were previously sitting on. this was the strongest you have felt with the force in your entire life. "but...i was the o-" you cut yourself off. you realized that you havent even explained your situation to luke at all. you slowly started to fall back onto the ground, and you opened your eyes. "sorry, i just realized that i havent described anything to you. when i was like 19, my parents and twin siblings abandoned me and my brother because they were...they were afraid of us. both of us are force sensitive, and i guess they thought that we would hurt them. they left us with 100,000 dollars and never returned. while on the finalizer, kylo got them aboard the ship to question them. i decided that it was a good idea to go and see them, but he was against the idea. he thought it would cause more pain, and he was so entirely correct. it almost broke me the same amount as the night they left. ever since then, the suffering has just been racking up to the point where i couldn't handle it. it is extremely difficult to not blame myself. i am the reason they left, so how is it not my fault?" you asked.

hearing you say the name kylo caused luke to take in a deep breath. he hated whenever people said that word, that name. but, he decided to just suck it up because it wasnt like you knew that luke deeply knew kylo. "because they were the ones who made the choice. they were the ones who decided that they werent strong enough to deal with the circumstances of your force sensitivity. it isnt your fault that you are a force user y/n. you need to believe this yourself first, before you start the long journey of healing."

"i know, you are 100% correct. but it is hard to do it."

"nobody said that this was going to be easy. it takes time, patience, and effort. the more of those things you put forth, the more of a change you will see within yourself." he explained.

"i will try."

"no. as my old master told me: do or do not, there is no try."

those words surprisingly motivated you to an extreme extent. you knew that you could and would survive this. you knew that you would be successful and return to the finalizer as a better person.

"thank you, luke. thank you so much."

"your welcome. that is all for today, tomorrow we will focus on something different. for the meantime, remember to keep telling yourself that this isnt your fault and that everything happens for a reason. go meditate- there are some amazing places on this island for it."

"will do." you smiled as you walked away.

you could already feel yourself changing. the pain slowly but surely leaving your soul, your body, your mind. you were finally starting to be able to breathe for once.

but kylo on the otherhand...well he was suffocating to say the least.

all he could think about was you. your beautiful smile, your recognizable laugh, your breathtaking figure, your sparkling eyes, your everything.

he couldnt seem to shake you from his thoughts at all. he kept hoping that you were at least okay, wherever in the galaxy you were. as long as you were safe, he was okay with it. but that didnt stop him from caring- and he hated that.

he hated that he cared for someone who left him- who abandoned him all by himself. but, he knew you did it for the right intentions. the intentions of healing, of recovering, of becoming better.

in fact, he shouldnt be caring for anyone...at all. kylo should have been 100% focused on the first order- the dark side, yet here he was- focusing on your well-being. he despised himself because of the fact. it was almost like his mind didnt belong to himself anymore, rather to you.

and the thing was, you had no clue. you had no clue how much you changed kylo. even though it didnt seem noticeable, for kylo...it was all he could notice. he saw how you caused him to soften up, to let his guard down around you. he promised himself that that couldn't happen anymore. yet he knew, that the plan of his wouldnt work. he knew the moment he saw you again, he would melt right infront of your body.

he needed to start getting a grasp on himself again. he needed to stop the path he was taking for you...right now. he knew that the path was indeed, the path to the light. he had to stop it, stop it before it was too late.

he needed the dark side. he needed the power that it supplied him. power brought kylo euphoria...but so did you.

kylo realized that he was too far deep in the hole that you unknowingly dug. he needed to climb out of it before it consumed him fully, before it killed him.

before it killed the identity of kylo ren and replaced itself with ben solo.

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authors note

MY WRITING IS HORRIBLE RN IM SORRY TIMES 10.
confession: when i started this story, i had the entire part one planned out. now that we are in part two, im struggling because i didnt even think about it. please bare w me right now, it will get better ://

-i.t