Hate That I Love You

Chapter 17

Hershel said he wanted to fight. Hiding in the house wasn't an option a horde that big would rip the house apart. Lori went inside to get Carl and came out saying he was gone so Carol went with her to look again. Andrea and T-Dog took Otis's truck, Glenn and Maggie took the green car and Daryl was on his bike. They went around shooting at the walkers but there was way too many.

I headed inside and grabbed my backpack shoving my doll I told Sophia about in it then I went through the house and grabbed any medical supplies or medication I could find. Everyone else had already left. When I walked outside the barn was on fire, Glenn and Maggie were gone. T-Dog was driving off with Lori and Beth. Hershel was still shooting at the walkers so I went over to him trying to get him to leave.

Rick ended up coming up behind us killing a walker and got me and Hershel in Hershel's truck along with Carl. Then we headed off the farm. Rick drove back to the highway thinking that is where everyone else would go.

I noticed Shane wasn't with him but didn't say anything. When we parked we got out and Carl was feeling out over going back to get his mother. As Rick was explaining we couldn't do that T-Dog pulled up into the median of the highway and Lori got out. Maggie and Glenn along with Carol and Daryl on Daryls bike showed up.

Andrea wasn't there Carol said she had saved her then saw her go down. Daryl wanted to go back but Rick told him she was fine and could fend for herself. Jimmy was killed when he helped Carl and Rick from the barn and Beth said walkers got Patricia. We made the plan to get as far away from the farm and highway as possible and go from there. Glenn, Maggie, Beth, and Hershel took the green car, T-Dog, Rick, Carl, Lori went to Hershel's truck. Daryl and Carol got on the bike and I kinda just stood there lost in thought.

I didn't want to ride with Lori I knew it was childish but she has always gotten under my skin and had always tried to come in between me and my brother.

I stood there my fingers wrapped around the straps of my backpack tightly. Just staring at nothing. Completely oblivious to the world around me.

"Maybe I could just pick one of these other cars and drive myself," I thought to myself.

I could feel the panic and anxiety of getting in a crowed car set in. That was the other part. I never liked being crowed in bother Hershel's truck and the car I'd be stuck in the back with two other people.

"Maybe I should just go off on my own. Wasn't like anyone would care or miss me. Sure I was a doctor but they have Hershel he has more experience. Me in just in the way," my inner thoughts said.

This wasn't turning out good my thoughts kept getting darker and that little voice saying I was no good, no one loved me, I was just a burden was getting louder. My hands tightened even more around the straps of my bag. I could feel myself getting shaky and I could feel my emotions getting all scrambled. My heart rate picking up and breathing getting heavier. My anxiety was climbing and climbing fast.

"Leave. Just leave. No one cares about what happens to you. If you hadn't been outside with Hershel you would have been left behind anyway. Rick wouldn't have to worry about watching his little annoying sister. Lori would be happy and it's not like you're friends with anyone else in the group. Especially Daryl he hates you,"  there's that damn anxiety talking again.

I was so lost in the anxiety and panic I didn't notice Daryl was in front of me snapping his fingers and saying my name over and over.

"You're useless for the group they have a doctor already. You can't really provide anything else. Sure you could fight and knew how to use a gun. You could survive by yourself. You wouldn't need to worry about being in anyone's way. Rick would finally have silence," I could feel the tears building up and get to ready to fall.

I was pulled out of it all when I felt a small, soft, gentle hand grabbing my own hand.  "Nik? Sweetheart? Hey, it's just me, Carol," I heard the soft voice. I looked up to see Carol in front of me smiling kindly at me. Daryl was behind her an annoyed and frustrated look on his face.

"Great because I'm having an anxiety attack in the middle of the highway I've held everyone up and I'm pissing them off. "I'm sorry," I whispered as the tears fell.

"No need to be sorry. It happens to me too," she said looking at me. It's like she already knew about my past without actually knowing. "Wanna tell me what's up?" She asked.

I looked over at the truck and saw Rick quickly getting pulling his arm away from Lori. He walked over and stood in front of me beside Carol. "Anxiety attack?" He asked and I nodded.

"Is because you don't want to ride in a crowded car?" He asked. And again I nodded then said quietly "and the other usual stuff,"  I felt ashamed of myself. I always did this to him. Rick was always having to save me and protect me.

"Daryl. Do mind if Nik rides with you? Would you be okay with that Carol? She's always had issues with being in crowded areas," Rick explained.

"No. No. I'm fine. I'll just deal with it or I can take one of these other cars. Really I don't want to inconvenience Daryl or anyone else. I'm already holding everything up and putting us in danger. And I'm sure Daryl doesn't want to have to babysit me," I said quickly.

"I'll ride with Rick and them. You can go with Daryl. Maybe fresh air will help some," Carol said softly.

I looked up at Daryl and he didn't look happy at all. He just huffed and walked back to his bike. "It's settled Carol will come with us and you can go with Daryl. I'll be right behind you don't worry.  If you need me just have him stop," Rick said and hugged me. 

Carol and Rick walked over to the truck and got in. Daryl looked over at me and growled to get on the bike. "Let go. We ain't got all damn day," he hissed.

I swallowed hard and got on the back. I gently put my hands on his waist just enough to hold on so I wouldn't fall. I'm sure he was hating the fact I was even this close to him. "I'm really sorry," I said. He didn't say anything and started the bike and we headed in the opposite direction the herd had come from.