(This entry was written today October 31, 2020).
Hey. Hello. I did a bad thing and now my parents don't trust me anymore. I feel like shit. I know eventually that their trust will build back up with me, but for now they are doubting me and such and they already think that I'm narcissistic and everything and that doesn't help my case at all. I have had this feeling before, it's kinda like a numbness. I hate it. I want it to go away. I need a distraction, but I don't know what to distract myself with. The bad thing has to do with me lying. I lied about my boyfriend knowing where I lived and now I'm in some deep shit. Since he lives very close to me, they are feeling like he will just come over whenever he pleases yet that is far from the truth. He can't even fucking drive yet! How the hell would he come over when he pleases? It doesn't make any sense to me at all. I'm at the point where now I feel like they are going to take away both of my phones (I have two phones) without any warning just so I can't have any contact with him at all. I don't see him at school right now because of the hybrid system. If they were to take away my phones, I wouldn't have any contact with anybody. Because of hybrid, I don't see any of my friends that I talked to on a daily basis (which was around five people). If they were to take away both of my phones, I wouldn't have contact with them at school (in case of an emergency), I wouldn't have contact with my close family members, and I also wouldn't have contact with him or any of my friends. The only people I would have contact with is my teachers at school about my assignments. I know I put myself in this situation, but I honestly don't know how to get out of it. I already hate it and I have only been in it for a day now. It started yesterday, with my one single lie. Thank god my parents don't search through my phones. I'm glad that this can be my safe space.
If I didn't have Wattpad in my life, I don't know what I would do. I wish my life would go back to how it was when I started living here with my parents. How much security I had. How nice they were to me. Not calling names like "narcissistic" or "like your mom". I want that plus Garrett. What happened to that time? I know that I'm getting older, but that is no excuse for my parents to call me names and doubt me. Doubt me and Garrett. Not trust me anymore right now. Yeah, I know that I lied. But, they are treating me like I have killed someone since last night. I know, this all could be way worse then it is right now. I know that people have it way worse then me, I get that. I just don't understand why my parents just like this past year flipped a switch in their minds and started treating me differently. They state that they are here for me. I understand that. But, sometimes it feels like we are on two different playing fields were they both have lots more weapons and they are trying to hunt me down, instead of being there for me and trying to help me in certain situations. I could completely be over thinking this (like most things), but it feels like I am not at all. In the time of me living with my parents, it feels like the first half like 8th grade year and part of 9th grade year were amazing even though we had some difficulties. But now, it feels completely different. It feels like they are sick of me and want me to graduate high school already, so I can be off on my own. It fucking sucks. I want time to either stop for a while, or I want to go back in time to how things used to be. I'm sorry for ranting, but I needed to get these things off my chest. They have been building up for a while...
