Falling all in you JJK ff

Chapter 32: Lonely

"Sometimes the worst place that you can be is in your own head."

-minhee's pov

Grief is such an overwhelming emotion. I was told that It's not unusual to respond to the intense and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn't happening and The key to understanding grief is realizing that no one experiences the same thing.

What happened was very personal to me, and I feel something different every day.

At first, Denying it gave me time to more gradually absorb and process the news. it helped numb me to the intensity of the situation.

~after two months...

after a while, the emotions I've been hiding began to rise. I was confronted with a lot of sorrow I denied. All the memories I was trying to escape started rushing in. filling my mind, image by image. It's hard to breathe sometimes. Those images were so clear. Those dreadful eyes. The look in her eyes still haunts me. my chest sinking deeper into my own abyss of despair.

Draining every ounce of courage I had, I insisted on slowly getting back to my training. Just because bad things were always happening to me, doesn't mean my members have to suffer through. I'm lucky they understood my situation.

Anyhow, throughout all this, one emotion that stood out was anger. It wasn't clear-cut fury or rage, but it was always lingering around. My feelings were so intense.

~after three months...

as time went by, the anger slowly subsided, and I began to think more rationally about what's happening and feeling the emotions more distinctly. I felt so vulnerable and helpless. I felt alone. It was easier to forget about everything when I had work. But, the holidays were approaching. something I used to look forward to holidays; finally being able to spend some time with my family.

This year was different.

Working has been my coping mechanism for the most part, and I dreaded not doing it.

On a brighter note, this would be the most I've seen of my siblings as I've been going back and forth on staying with mom and dad since the funeral and they've been pretty busy themselves.

It was jungkook who insisted on going to Gangwon-do Chuncheon, Lake 192 for a weekend. 

Hanna made me talk about how I was feeling.

"I don't know how to do this. How did this happen? Why am I alone? Where is aera?"

"listen to me. You are not alone. Okay?" she reassured me.

Nevertheless, that's how I continued to feel. Even though, I wanted to deal with this in a healthful manner. Nothing seemed to work. Seeing a therapist was more overwhelming. It left me feeling foggy, heavy, and even more confused. But, this trip did help me. I started writing down what I was feeling. 

I wrote about how angry I was that she had to go, how angry it made me that there was nothing I could do about it, and just basically things I never got to say to her.

'I want to thank you, for... for inspiring me. For helping me face my fears. Even if it's hard.  I'll do it. I'll debut and be the best version of myself. I just wish you could see me. See me become this cool person. I'll make you proud. I want you to know you made me proud. I really miss you. So much. You have no idea.' 

writing down every thought I had made me feel like I was talking to area. it was so therapeutic.  

Jungkook chose a gorgeous location with privacy. Both The house and the onlooking lake were breathtaking and peaceful.

~after nine months...

I still kept myself busy with work.

I met up with jisoo, who debuted just last week. She seems to be doing well. She would hang out with me whenever she had time.

"My sister lived her last days to the fullest. Thanks to you.

So, live. life is short. Anyone could be taken at any minute. Despite how awful it is to think about it. That is the reality."

Her resilient words were a wake-up call for me. I started giving more attention to my hobbies and interests after that. Taking care of my health more. I wanted to debut and make aera proud.

~after a year...

it's been a year since she's been gone.

Every now and then I would think of her and it would hurt.

But, I try to think of all the fun we had and how much I've learned from her....and it would hurt less.

In my wildest imagination, I could still feel her around me. I could still hear her laugh. I wonder if it was like that for jisoo too. She was such a precious person loved by many.

I experienced a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger, and even exhaustion... it took me a really long time to come to terms with how I felt about losing her the way I did. I still remember her taunting eyes, the last look she gave me. 

A part of me died that night. 

With her.

She was my soulmate.