How We Fell

[51]

J a m i e

"Wag...! Reeve, wag...!" Keith desperately cried as he held tightly to his hair. Patuloy-tuloy lamang ang pagtulo ng luha galing sa mga mata niya. "Reeve, wag mong gawin 'yan! Reeve...!" Sumisigaw siya, at inaalala ang mga nangyayari, na halos ikasira ng ulo niya.

Tumingin-tingin ako sa paligid at laking pasasalamat ko na kami lang ang mga tao ngayon dito sa locker room. Who else can ever believe Keith Morales can cry this much?

"And because of you... She died. Ate Reeve died, Keith! Namatay ang kapatid ko!"

"H-hindi ko sinasadya.. H-hindi ko kasalanan.."

"Dahil sa'yo..." nanghihinang sambit ni Xavier. "Dahil sa'yo sinubukan niyang ipalaglag 'yung bata. But what happened next, Keith? What happened, huh?"

Umiling-iling si Keith. Fear was written all over his face.

"Sa kagustuhan niyang mamatay ang kasalanang nabuo niyong dalawa, pati siya nadamay!"

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko gamit ang mga kamay ko. Sobrang pagkagulat ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Hindi ko 'to inaasahan. Kahit kailan, ni minsan, hindi ko akalain at naisip na makakabuntis si Keith sa ganoong edad. Sa murang edad na 19, madami na pala siyang pinagdaanan.

Awa ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya ngayon. Masakit pa ring makita siyang sobra-sobrang nasasaktan dahil naging bestfriend ko din siya. Parehas na mabigat ang dalahin nila sa buhay ng lalaking sobra kong minahal. Parehas silang nasasaktan. Parehas silang nangangailangan.

Pero sino nga ba ang mas nangangailangan sa'kin ngayon?

"No... No... Please, tama na..." Nasa sulok si Keith at nakahawak pa din siya sa ulo niya, umiiling-iling pa rin, at umiiyak.

Hindi ko na kaya. Lumapit na ako sa kanya, at niyakap siya. "It's okay, Keith... Nandito ako..."

X a v i e r

I felt my heart shatter into pieces as I saw the woman I love the most, choose someone else over me.

Dumoble ang sakit. Dumoble 'yung bigat.

"R-Ruth..."

"Wag ngayon, Xavier. Kailangan ako ng bestfriend ko," she said, without even facing me.

"P-paano naman ako?" My voice broke but I held it in. I'm Xavier Buenaventura, and I will never let anyone else see how weak I know I am. "Ako... Kailangan din kita."

Sobra, Ruth. Sobra...

"Para sa revenge mo?" she bitterly asked as she stood up and faced me. Doon ko nakita na hindi na niya suot-suot ang necklace na binigay ko sa kanya noong first monthsary namin.

"Ang kapal mo rin." Napailing siya at sarkastikong tumawa. "Kaya pala. Kaya mo pala ko pinaasa't pinaniwala. Kaya mo pala ako niligawan. Kaya mo pala ako pinaibig. Kaya mo pala ako sinaktan. Para diyan sa childish revenge mo. Ang kapal ng mukha mo." Madalian niya akong sinampal ng sobrang lakas.

Sige lang, love. Tatanggapin ko lahat.

"Bakit ganun? Pag sinasaktan kita, parang doble ang sakit sa akin." She laughed sarcastically, as a tear ran down her cheek. Pinunasan niya kaagad iyon. "I love you, but there is more in life for me than loving someone like you. Oo, mahal kita. Sobrang mahal kita, alam mo 'yan. Naramdaman mo 'yan."

If only you knew how much I love you, Ruther. I love you so damn bad.

"Pero ngayon... Mas nangingibabaw ang sakit na naidulot mo sa buhay ko. Ang sakit na magbabago sa lahat. Sa lahat-lahat." Umiling-iling siya. "Xavier, eighteen ka na. You're too old for childish games and yet... You played with me."

She broke our eye contact and lowered her gaze. Her tears automatically fell... and so did mine.

"Saan ako nagkulang?" Tumingin ulit siya sa mukha ko. "Saan ako nagkulang, Xavier? Minahal naman kita ah. In fact, I loved you more than you loved me."

I shook my head. No, love...

"You don't understand how much I love you, Ruther..." nanghihina kong sabi.

I looked into her eyes as my tears fell one by one.

"You think you loved me more than I loved you, but you have no idea how incapable I was, before you came. You showed me what true love was. You made me feel like I was worth something. That for you, I meant something. You made me feel worthwhile, Ruth. And I'm forever thankful that you did. Napalabas mo ang Xavier na inaakala kong nawala ko na. You brought back everything that was lost from me."

I stepped forward and held her hand, hoping she wouldn't let go.

"I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you. Even if we lost what we had, even if you stop loving me... I still will. I always will."

I took her hand and kissed the back of it. She just kept looking at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen. I know, love... I'm sorry for everything.

"You were never a pun in my stupid game. If there was someone whom I played with in the first place, ako 'yun. I made myself believe I'd never fall in love with you... But I did."

Dahan-dahan kong ibinaba ang mga kamay niya. Slowly, I'm setting her free.

"But this time... I'm letting you go. Because you deserve to be free. Because you deserve to find someone who will never have to think twice before he fights for you."

I bitterly smiled, my tears still betraying me.

"And because you don't deserve me."

I kissed her forehead for the last time.

"I love you so much, Jamie Ruther... But this is the dead end for us." Hinawakan ko ang magkabilaan niyang pisngi. God, how much I'll miss you, love. "And dead end means having to say goodbye."

Napalunok ako. Just say it. It's just one word. Say it, and everything's going to be over.

Say it, and she's free to go.

"Goodbye, love... Please, set yourself free."