How We Fell

[46]

J a m i e

Kinabukasan ay nandito na naman kami ni Xavier sa lugar na 'to. This magical place, still lit by beautiful fairy lights. Nakaupo ulit kami sa nakalatag na picnic blanket sa ibabaw ng damo. Once again, tinitingnan namin ang langit. I was leaning on his chest as he suddenly kissed my hair.

"Future plans." Bigla siyang nagsalita.

"What?" Napatingala ako sa mukha niya.

"I asked, what are your future plans?"

"Ah." I looked at the stars. "Graduate. Go to college. Graduate from college. Job. Mansion. Marriage. Family." Hinigpitan niya ang kapit sa kamay ko. "Ikaw?"

"Same. Eh 'yung dreams mo?"

"Yun lang din. Ikaw ba?"

"Ikaw." Bigla akong nanghina. Napatingin tuloy ulit ako sa kanya dahil sa sagot niya. Putspa ano, balak ba niya kong patayin sa kilig? "Ikaw yung pangarap ko."

"Bakit mo ba 'ko kailangan pang pangarapin, kung nandito na ako? Kung na sa'yo na ako?"

"Yun na nga eh.." Napayuko siya. "Nandito ka. Nasa akin ka na. Pero kailangan ka pang mawala..." Kahit binulong lang niya ang huli niyang sinabi, rinig ko pa rin.

"B-bakit naman ako mawawala sa'yo?"

Lumapit lang siya sa akin. "Listen... let's talk about your favorite love story," he whispered to my ear.

"Yung sa atin," I smiled.

"Love... I said love story. Not a tragic one."

What? Tragic?

"Biro lang," tumawa siya nang mahina. "Natulala ka na naman jan."

"Di na kasi maganda 'yung biro eh... Ewan ko sa'yo."

"Sorry na..." Niyakap niya ko. "Huling araw na nga 'to oh, magagalit ka pa."

Ano daw? Huling araw?

"Kanina pa 'yang bibig mo. Mag-aaway talaga tayo. Tumigil ka na nga." Nag-iinit na mga mata ko. Pigil konti, Jamie. Kaya mo 'yan.

He cupped my face and turned me towards him. He looked at me intently, his eyes sparkling like one of the stars.

"I love you so much, Jamie Ruther."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may biglang tumulong luha sa pisngi ko. I don't want to overthink but why does this feel like he's saying goodbye?

"I love y––" I was stopped short when I felt his lips land on mine.

Nandilat ako, at natulala sa kanya. "Did we just––" Did I just get my first kiss tonight?!

He just smirked and shrugged. "I don't know. Did we?"

"I don't––"

"Then let's make sure if we did."

Without leaving a second to think, he leaned in to kiss me again.

And when we both let go, he smiled. "I guess we really did."

This guy really knows how to do it his way.

Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas, kinailangan na naming umalis. Hinatid niya ako sa amin. Pumasok kaagad ako sa kwarto ko, at syempre maya-maya kong dinadampi ang kamay ko sa labi ko. The kiss, is still there. Para akong tangang maya-maya ngumingiti. I could consider this night the best night of all nights. Ang magical. Enchanted. Parang fairy tale.

But the night, ended so soon.

X a v i e r

It has to end soon.

Hindi ako mapakali, hindi ako makatulog. Nakahiga lang ako sa kama ko, just thinking how tomorrow would be. How a life without her would be. Ever since na napunta siya sa'kin, every broken piece of me had the strength to form back together again. And now, that I have to lose her... What else would it take, to get back the Xavier I'm about to lose, kasabay ng pagkawala niya sa buhay ko?

For the short time we've been together, naging masaya ako. And I hope, naging masaya din siya. Because that's all that matters to me. At kahit na maghiwalay kami, alam kong 'yun pa din at 'yun lang ang mahalaga para sa akin. Her happiness. Because she deserves to be happy.

Kung pwede lang, I swear to God, if only I could. I want to be the guy who can make her happy. The guy who can make her smile every time she frowns, the guy who can make her laugh when no one else can. The guy who will never hurt her. The guy who will never have to have to say goodbye.

The guy, who will never be me.

I inwardly sighed at the thought as I touched my lips. I smiled upon the realization that I kissed a girl for the first time tonight.

Having spent my first kiss with Ruther, is one of the greatest memories I will treasure the most in my life. I love her, I want her, I need her most. Pero ano pa ba magagawa ko? Wala na. I've reached the dead end.

Noong una, ang buong akala ko siya ang mapaglalaruan. But I was wrong. I didn't play with her. I played with myself. Pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na kaya kong magpanggap, and I ended up falling in love with every piece of her with every bit of my heart.

And I'm sure. Even after today, my heart will still belong to her, and to nobody else. Ever since she came into my life, everything seemed so light. She made me realize that love can never be a game. And most especially, lovers can't be the opponents. And if this was a foolish game, alam kong ako ang talo.

That kiss was my way of bidding goodbye.

The last good memory she'll be getting from me.

Hinawakan ko ang labi ko, to get another glimpse, of the last good memory I know I've gotten.

And the last good memory I'm just about to lose.

"Hey." After five rings, she finally answered.

"Andy."