How We Fell

[6]

J a m i e

Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa campus ay si Keith na kaagad ang sumalubong sa akin. I took a deep breath to compose myself as I confidently walked through the corridors. I acted as if he wasn't even there.

I was actually doing a great job, when he suddenly grabbed my arm to face him.

"You're going to escape my questions and run away with your explanations? You're going to run away from me? You're going to run away from me again, Jamie?"

Our eyes met. Para bang may kuryenteng biglang dumaloy sa sistema ko. I can't understand but his expression's really driving me insane. Hindi ako sanay na ganito siya ka-seryoso.

He brushed his palm on his face in frustration. "God, Jamie, kanina pa kita hinihintay tapos pagdating mo dito dire-diretso ka lang na para bang hindi mo ako nakita?!"

I gulped the lump formed in my throat. Oh my god. He's on mad mode right now.

I tried to keep up. "Wala naman akong sinabing hintayin mo ako, ah..." halos nanghihina kong sabi.

Sinalubong niya ang mga kilay niya. "Do I need your permission? No, I don't need that! Hihintayin kita dahil gusto kong hintayin ka. But you can't just ignore me like that, just because you want to!"

Pumikit ako nang mariin. "Hindi kita iniiwasan..." I puffed a breath as I opened them. "I'm not ignoring you. I'm just trying to get away from you."

"Well, your idea of getting away from me also means ignoring my whole existence! It means the same damn thing, can't you see?" mariin niyang sabi. "And why, Jamie? What's the problem? This idea of yours, this is childish, you know?"

I smirked bitterly. "Childish?" sabi ko at umiling-iling. "Childish pa pala ako sa lagay na 'to, Keith? How nice. Childish na pala ang pagbigyan ka sa ikasasaya mo?"

His jaw clenched. "Sa tingin mo ba, 'yang ginagawa mo, ikinasasaya ko?!" Mas tumaas ang boses niya. "Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo ako pinag-alala kagabi! It was late and where were you? You weren't even home!"

Umawang ang bibig ko. "Wow! Now you care? Now you finally care about me? Ang galing!"

Napasabunot siya sa sariling buhok. Now he looks really frustrated with me. "Ano na naman ba 'to, Jamie? Tell me, what is it this time? 'Cause it's driving me insane not to know what the hell is bothering you!"

I arched a brow and tried to stay calm. "Ano na naman bang ginawa ko sa'yo?" seryoso kong tanong sa kanya. "Nothing's bothering me, pwede ba? Stop the drama." Nagpupumiglas ako. "Keith, just, let go! We are making a scene here!"

Lalo lamang niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa braso ko. "I don't care!" Umiling-iling siya. "I don't care, Jamie. You tell me! Why on earth are we drifting away from each other, huh?"

Gusto mo ba talagang malaman? Kasi mahal kita. I love you too much to the point that I'd always accept the truth just to keep you happy. Even if it's not with me!

I bit my lip, trying to hold my thoughts back. They can't escape from my mouth. No, they won't.

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Bakit nga ba, Keith? Why are we drifting away from each other?"

He sneered in disbelief. "It's Xavier, right? Let's be straightforward here! Alam ko naman!"

"Ano na naman bang meron sa kanya?" inis ko nang sabi. Sinubukan ko ulit magpumiglas pero hindi niya pa rin ako binibitawan. "Stop it, Keith. Stop blaming other people! Stop blaming Xavier! You know nothing!" I blurted out.

"You're defending him now?" His jaw dropped, as if he wasn't expecting what I just said. Well, I didn't, too! "Sana sinabi mo. Sana sinabi mo sa'king kasama mo pala si Xavier kagabi. Para hindi na sana ako nag-alala. Para hindi na sana ako nagmukhang tanga palakad-lakad sa kalsada mag-isa, kahit sobrang lakas ng buhos ng ulan, para lang mahanap ka!"

Saglit akong natigilan. What the heck? Did I hear everything right? He did all that... for me?

I tried my best not to let myself look affected. "Hindi ko sinabi sa'yong gawin mo lahat ng 'yun!"

"But I did. I did, Jamie. Kasi, natakot ako, e. Natakot akong baka may nangyari na sa'yo. Natakot akong baka mawala ka. Kasi kung mangyari 'yun? Hindi ko kakayanin."

My heart raced with every word. How can my heart rejoice and ache both at the same time?

"Pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon? Para bang unti-unti ka na ring nawawala sa'kin..."

I gulped the lump formed in my throat as I took all the courage I could to build up my words. I met his pleading eyes as I shook my head. "Bakit ka nga ba natatakot na mawala ako sa'yo, Keith?"

K e i t h

My heart shattered with her question.

"Jamie, best friend kita. Syempre, mahal din kita."

She smiled at me, but I know her too well and I'm sure this isn't her genuine smile. "Pero si Andy... Iba 'yung klase ng pagmamahal na kaya mong ibigay sa kanya, 'di ba?" she softly asked. "Ibang-iba. Ibang-iba, Keith, pero bakit ganito?" She slowly shook her head. "Why do I feel like I deserve it more?"

Napatigil ako, at napabitaw bigla sa pagkakahawak sa braso niya. Bigla akong nanghina at nakaramdam ng panlulumo. What did she just say? It couldn't sink inside my head.

Hindi ko maintindihan pero mayroong kumurot sa puso ko habang tinitingnan lamang siya. Bakit ba ganito ang nararamdaman ko?

When I couldn't respond, she turned her back from me and started walking away. But damn the jerk I am, I can't possibly let her go.

Hinabol ko siya. Hinigit ko ang braso niya at muli, hinarap ko siya sa akin.

"Do you think I'm happy?" I softly whispered my question. She was looking at me, her eyes filled with... hurt? I don't know!

"You said you were..." mahina niyang sagot pabalik.

"No, Jamie..." Umiling-iling ako. "I'll never be happy with this kind of love if it means losing you." Hinila ko siya papalapit at saka siya niyakap nang mahigpit. 'Yung tipong kahit anong ginawa niyang pagpupumiglas, hindi na siya makawala.

"Keith, just let go... Baka may makakita--"

"Shh..." I whispered into her hair. "If being with Andy means letting you go... Then I'd rather not be."

"So you'd rather not be pala, ha? Wow! Just, wow! Kaya pala hindi kita mahanap-hanap dahil nandito pala kayo at may planong mag-landian dito? Weren't you both informed that public display of affection is a major offense here in Mevington High?"

Agad akong tinulak ni Jamie nang narinig niya ang boses ni Andy sa likuran naming dalawa. I faced her and watched as she walked closer to me. I was ready for a slap, but it didn't happen. Tumigil lang siya sa may harap namin. Nagpalipat-lipat siya ng tingin sa aming dalawa ni Jamie.

Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "Choosing her over me, Keith? Tell me your final answer." I didn't budge when she took another step closer to me. I don't care. I don't care anymore.

She looked at Jamie from head to toe with disgust. "Me, or this girl?" tanong niya.

Lumunok ako. "Andy, I'm sorry." Agad niya akong binalingan ng tingin dahil sa naging sagot ko. She looked surprised. "I-I'm afraid I'll have to choose my best friend over you."

Pagkakita ko pa lang na nilapitan niya si Jamie, lumapit ako kaagad sa kanya dahil alam akong akma niya itong sasampalin. Good thing that I quickly stopped her hand. I will never let Andy hurt her. God knows what I could do to her if that ever happens.

"Don't hurt her. Wala siyang kinalaman dito. Hurt me instead," I told her.

Her jaw dropped in disbelief. "Psh. Wala ka pa ring pinagbabago." She smirked, and soon I felt the burning sting on my cheek.

You deserve this, Keith... You do.

"You know what? They're all right! Once an asshole, always an asshole. Congrats, napaasa mo na naman ako." She slapped me again. "Jerk."

And then she was gone.

One more time.