How We Fell

[7]

J a m i e

They broke up.

Oo, alam ko. Alam kong dapat, masaya ako ngayon. Of course, right? The guy I love is finally free again! He's not anyone else's again. I should be happy... but how can I just possibly do that? Paano nga ba ako magiging masaya kung alam kong may isang babaeng nasaktan dahil nakipaghiwalay sa kanya 'yung lalaking mahal niya, at ako ang dahilan?

This is not your fault, Jamie. This isn't. Magmula pa lamang n'ung umpisa, wala kang intensyong masira sila. Tandaan mo 'yan.

Best friend lang ako, at alam ko 'yun. Alam na alam ko 'yun. Hindi naman kailangang makipag-break sa kanya si Keith nang dahil lang sa'kin. So what if he loses me? So what if I try to stay away from him? It's for the best... for me. Ayoko lang masaktan nang paulit-ulit.

If only I could tell that to him... but I can't.

I heaved a breath and tried not to mind the intense stares of the people around me. I know what they think. I know it all too well. A bitch? A relationship-wrecker? A flirt? I'm not naive nor numb. I know how judgmental people can get. Even the silent ones can even kill you in their wild imaginations.

That's what always happens, anyway. They judge you like they know you. They read you through the words of other people. They accept only what they hear, and they wouldn't even ask for the truth. All they ever do is assume and accuse without proof.

If only they choose to see through the truth, that who am I to blame? What did I ever do, to be getting all these eyes on me? Hindi ko naman kasalanang ako ang pinili ni Keith. He could have chose her if he wanted to. And I'd wholeheartedly accept it! Keith's happiness means much to me... even if it means risking my own.

Napagawi ang tingin ko sa kanya habang blangko lamang siyang nakatingin sa kawalan. Maybe he felt my gaze as he slowly turned to me. As our eyes met, he smiled, but I know what's real and what's not. This definitely isn't my best friend's genuine smile.

Pilit lamang akong ngumiti at nagpakawala ng isang malalim na buntong-hininga.

"Ruth, are you okay?" Nilingon ko naman ang nagsalitang si Xavier na katabi ko. Simple lamang akong tumango sa kanya.

His thick brows furrowed. "You don't seem okay..."

"I am okay, Xavier..." bulong ko.

Pansin kong gumala ang tingin niya sa paligid ng silid. Kaunti siyang lumapit sa akin at bumulong. "Ruth, alam kong gwapo ako pero bakit nila ako tinitingnan nang ganito?" inosente niyang tanong.

Hindi ako nakagalaw. I know they're not looking at him. They're all looking at me. Nababaling lang rin siguro ang tingin nila kay Xavier dahil kinakausap ako nito.

"A-ang lapit mo masyado. Naiilang ako..." sabi ko sa kanya.

Umayos siya ng pagkakaupo at mataman akong tiningnan. "Sigurado kang ayos ka lang?" tanong niya sa isang nag-aalalang tono.

Tumango ulit ako. Palagi naman akong "okay" kahit hindi, 'di ba?

X a v i e r

So much for trying to make her heart feel light. What in the world is happening right now? And why is the atmosphere unusually awkward today? Nilingon ko si Ruther sa tabi ko at mataman siyang pinagmasdan. What could be wrong with her?

What could be wrong for people to look at her that way? Oo, alam ko naman na hindi sila sa akin nakatingin. I just tried to tell Ruth that they were looking at me instead to make her feel less comfortable. She has to know she's not alone here.