Life with my best friends

Chapter - 45 The letter

Dear Siddharth, 

I wanted to tell you a story today. As much as I wanted to do this face to face, I couldn't. You'll get to know why. By the time you're reading this, I probably won't be here anymore. And I'm sorry about that. I really am. Now, let's come back to the story. 

There was this girl who was 6 years old. She was home watching her favourite show on television when the doorbell rang. A middle aged lady walked in, along with a little kid, who looked the same age as the girl. They had apparently just moved in a few days ago, and so they wanted to meet their new neighbours. The kid came along to the girl while the lady was talking to the girl's mom. And he shouted a big, huge HI right in the girl's ear. The girl was annoyed. But after that, he vibed with the girl becuz she was apparently watching his fav show. That's where it all started. A friendship developed that day which I would forever state as beautiful no matter what. The guy and the girl used to be in their own world. They had a habit of always doing the opposite things (and then they would get yelled at). The girl sometimes found this guy very annoying but he was sweet most of the time. Time flew and the girl turned 8. She lost her father, and told her friend one day that her dad was up there and he wouldn't come back. Do you know what he did? He said, "We're here for you". He was 8 too and I mean, what kind of an 8 year old would be this supportive? That's why he was special. He always was and he always will be. After that, the girl turned 13. As she grew up she began to notice the world famous fact that a guy and a girl can never be just friends. She used to put all these thoughts in her head, mix them up and stay confused. But at the end of the day, she used to love him for being a good friend through thick and thin. Well, then at 16 years of age, she developed a crush on one of her classmates. She felt weird but happy about it. The first person to know this was her best friend. He used to trouble and bully her crush often and she was really confused about why he was doing this. Then one random day, her friend came up to her and kissed her on the cheek and told her that she was beautiful inside out. When he kissed her, at that freaking moment, she couldn't think of anything else. She was speechless. Things started getting out of hand between her friend and crush, so she decided to confront the former. Also, if you haven't figured out by now who I'm talking about, then you're not my Siddharth and you have no business reading this letter. Remember that one night when I asked you why you were always pulling my crush's leg, and you had said "no reason". I blurted back, "what do you mean? there has to be some reason". To which you replied calmly, "Maybe I'm just insecure". I was confused, "Insecure? About what? He's not going to do anything to me and besides I'm not going-". And you cut me off in the middle to say, "Insecure about the fact that I might have feelings for you". I did not know how to respond to that back then and you were kind enough to say let everything be the way it is and we can continue being what we were before. But now, how I wish I could go back to that very night and respond, "likewise". Confused? Anushka once told me that being in love with your best friend is beyond amazing and I didn't really believe it. Until it happened with me. 4 years into college, and I fell for you. I fell for every single thing you did, the way you smiled, laughed, annoyed us, cracked rubbish jokes, whined, cared for us and so much more. I've heard people talking about how pretty your eyes are. I would be like bitch please I've drowned in them countless times. Well, the best part about falling for you? The warmth that you somehow radiated whenever you were around me. The warmth of your fingers twirling into mine, whenever you held my hand. The warmth that you gave whenever you hugged me. The warmth of you glowing in my dreams. You know, this is the only place where you and I differ. You merely caught feelings for me but I fell in love with you. But obviously, you are the mature one here, since you were the first one in this game, I'll give that to you. Well, anyways, that same lil girl is 22 now, and life's even more complicated. I found out that you and I were going different places the moment I read your acceptance letter. But I didn't know how to tell it to you. I was broken as it is, and I didn't have the courage to face you. But then Anushka urged me to find you and tell you that I was in love with you, but we would be parting ways. I agreed to it because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life regretting something as beautiful as this. I was coming to confess, but I realised I was a few moments late. Moments away from feeling that warmth and falling for you all over again. Moments away from calling you mine. I lost my chance. Avneet had asked you out by then and you had reciprocated. Till date, I regret not coming sooner to you and confessing, but I do not regret falling for you. And I can assure you that I never will. My heart was in pain, and I realised that it was somewhat of a crime to love people. So, I let my feelings sink in. Or atleast, I tried to. Well, I know that right now, there are drops of water falling from the eyes that wanted to see you every single moment for as long as they could, but I also know that someday, I'll look back at this and smile. Someday someone will look at a picture of us and ask me who the guy is. And I would reply, "that's my soulmate". My best friend turned into my soulmate without me realising it. 

That brings me back to why I'm writing this letter in the first place. After that day, I was afraid of facing you. The same girl who used to drown into your eyes, was now afraid of having a breakdown if she saw your eyes again. The eyes that would demand truth from me. So, I couldn't convey this in person. But I realised that I loved you too much to leave without telling you why and how. And hence, this piece of writing. I always knew this day would come, where either of us would be walking away from each other to start new lives. It hurts that after that one day when Anushka and I were angry at you for dumping us for better company, you never left. And now, I'm the one walking away. With so much joy, yet so much pain. It's so hard to say goodbye, but I have to go. This chapter's ending, but the story's only just begun. At the same time, you'll be in my prayers and wishes forever; wishing you all the luck, love, success and happiness in the world. But it's just that we'll be miles apart. So, I'm moving on, letting go and hanging on till tomorrow.

I know I would never be able to thank you for everything you've done for me, right from making me a part of your family to helping me conquer my stage fright, but this is for you. A big thank you for being an exceptional friend for over 16 years. And anybody who wouldn't fall for you even after knowing you for 16 years would be a fool. So, thank you for making me feel. Thank you for making me realise how beautiful love is. Thank you for giving a chance to a girl who thought she would never fall in love with anyone. Maybe we never got to have a proper intro or even a proper goodbye, but it's the middle part that matters the most. If you ever feel down one day, then just remember, you're too hard to get over. I know I will regret not seeing you before leaving so save that face, pretty boy. And if you're wondering what would happen to "us" then I would love to tell you that you have always been the Aladdin to my Genie, and for the record though, I ain't never had a friend like you. Trust me, there won't be another Jannat and Siddharth for the next million years. Anyways, thank you for giving me a boatload of precious memories that will be in my heart forever. I also want you to know that you have become a part of my soul now so wherever I go, you'll be going with me. When I was little, I used to imagine my lil mind voice as you. We used to talk all day and all night. Guess I have to go back to doing that. Nobody can ever replace you for me and the love that you've given me. That is exactly why you're special for me. Ever wondered why I never gave you a nickname even though you called me Jaan everyday? Some emotions can't be given names, and you're pretty much an emotion for me. You've always accused me of being a shy introvert who doesn't know how to express her feelings. So today I put my heart to the test, and this isn't me speaking, it's my heart. And in case you haven't figured out by now, my heart beats for you. 

Love,

the girl you never loved 

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