Letting Go

Fifty-one

"Elle."

Looking at her, many things have changed. Body and her looks? Well, yes. But there is something more. Maybe her eyes when I saw them before.

"P-pwede tayong mag-usap?" Nahihiyang tanong nya.

My curiosity started protesting. Kahit ayoko, kahit natatakot ako, naglalaro ang isip ko kung bakit sya nandito. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko, nanlalamig ang kamay ko, at kahit malamig naman, pakiramdam ko pinagpapawisan ako.

Tumango lang ako sakanya ng mahinahon. I can't help but to make a deep sigh. I don't know if I have to feel relief, or I have to fear.

Paano kung nagpunta sya dito para kay Chill?

"Thank you."

Nginitian ko lang sya at sinuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang kamay ko. Bumaba kami at nagpunta sa may gazebo. I definitely can feel the breeze getting on my skin, dahil sa suot kong medyo manipis na t-shirt at pajamas. Hindi ako naka-jacket kagaya nya.

"Sorry."

Ayoko na sanang pag-usapan ang mga ganito, but still, there's something iniside of me that wants to continue this talk. Ayoko ng alalahanin lahat pero hindi ko maiwasan na isipin parin 'yon.

"I had anxiety."

Napatingin ako sakanya. Pilit syang ngumiti.

"Nakwento na nya sakin."

Alam ko na ng banggitin ko ang 'nya', kilala ni Elle kung sino sya.

"I was desperate. No one was there. Not even my twin!"

Lumunok sya, pinipigilan ang mga luha.

"May gusto rin si Ella kay Chill."

Hindi ko pinahalatang nabigla ako. Pero oo, ngayon ko lang 'yon nalaman. Feeling ko ang immature ng pag-uusap namin. But to reminisce what we all had? Nothing seems child-like.

"Oo, nagkagusto ako kay Chill. Something hit me..."

Pinaglaruan ko ang labi ko. The atmosphere feels awkward.

"It was him."

Hinayaan ko lang na sabihin nya ang mga gusto nyang sabihin. 'Nagkagusto.' 'Was.' Past tense. They both happened. Maybe years or a year ago.

"And maybe that was because of my desperation. Minahal ko sya dahil nandoon sya. He was there when no one else was."

Tumango ako sakanya.

"Pero hindi matatanggal noon na si Neon parin ang mahal ko..."

Nanginginig na ang boses nya at hinawakan ko sya sa likod. Hindi ako makapagsalita, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

"Autumn, he became my obsession."

Nakita kong pinunasan nya ang pisngi nya.

"I never knew na, I would be one of those people who became crazy because of a thing."

"At literal pala."

She laughed as if it was a joke. But I know what she means.

"Nabaliw pala talaga ako, dahil sakanya. Because of love."

Umiyak na sya ng sobra. Tinakip nya ang mga kamay nya sa mukha at umiling ng umiling. She needs someone who can understand her right now, and it could be me.

"Pero hindi naman talaga 'yon ang pinunta ko dito... Hindi para ikwento ang nangyari sakin."

I breathed deeply.

"Noong panahong nasakin si Chill, hindi nya 'ko talagang pinili." She smiled. A genuine one.

"It's always been you."

Dinuyan nya ng mahina ang swing, habang patuloy na nagkkwento. Natatago ang luha nya sa dilim.

"Lagi syang nagkkwento tungkol sayo, kung gaano ka nya kamahal, noong naging okay ako, sabi nya sa aming dalawa lang daw 'yon."

Ngumiti sya ng mapait. What is this for? Napatawad ko na sya, matagal na.

"Pero sorry, gusto kong malaman mo 'to."

"Gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na mahal na mahal na mahal ka nya."

Napansin kong may luha sa mata nya. Hindi ko maintindihan. Tumayo sya kaya sinundan ko sya.

"S-Sorry Autumn..."

Niyakap nya 'ko ng mahigpit. Nanginginig ang katawan ko.

"Sorry if I took those times that he should've been with you."

Napayuko ako. Alam ko na ang dahilan.

"Sorry kung nasayang ang oras nya sakin, na dapat ikaw na talaga ang kasama nya."

Tumango lang ako. I tried controlling my tears but it has no use, naiyak na rin ako kagaya nya.

"When he was with me, he asked me simple questions. He asked me things that made me realize things."

"A-Ano?" Nanginginig kong tanong.

"Would you like to hurt back someone who had hurt you so much? Would anger let you hurt someone you love?"

"Kung ikaw ang tatanungin ko, ano'ng isasagot mo?"

Nakatingin ako sakanya. Naguguluhan.

Love hurts. But love was never an anger.

"Ang sinagot ko kasi, oo. Galit kasi ako noon kay Neon. At oo, para sa'kin, nang mga panahon na 'yon, dapat rin syang masaktan. Anger rose up on me."

Pinunasan nya ang luha nya, pumikit sya at nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

"But he asked me one last thing..."

"Paano kung hindi naman talaga nya ginustong masaktan ka?"

"I cussed, I shouted, I pushed him, I slapped him... It was a crap, Autumn, hurting is a matter of choice!"

I stiffened. Nagulat ako sa sigaw nya, umiiyak pa rin sya.

"Pero sinabi nya sakin that true love hurts the both of you. He promised me, that if you would be hurt, hindi lang ikaw. Hindi lang ikaw..."

Nakaturo ang daliri nya sa akin. Isang punto kung nasaan ang puso ko.

"Autumn, alam kong hindi mo sya masasaktan. Alam kong alam mo na ayaw ka talaga nyang saktan. And if you hurt him, it would be you who would get hurt." Umiiyak na sabi nya.

Napapagod na 'ko, pero paano mo mapipigilan ang mga luha mo na kumawala kung nawawalan ka na ng lakas?

"The power of pain transfers through an endless string, and the pain that is in him would cause you pain too... You feel your heart with him, and it would hurt you... Because true love hurts, Autumn."

"Hurting is a matter of choice, but true love is not."

Napapikit ako.

"A-Autumn, m-may Glioblastoma si Chill."

Napabulong nalang ako habang patuloy na umiiyak, "Alam ko."