Letting Go

Forty-six

"Chaos started in my mind." He bitterly smiled.

I looked all the way down, onto my feet.

He held my hands, held my face and started to stare at me. He looks into my eyes, but just as what I always feel, everything seems like he's looking into my soul.

"But all of those confusion turns into realization when I woke up that it's you."

Tinignan nya 'ko sa mata, at tumingin rin ako sakanya. Pero gaya ng lagi kong ginagawa, umiiwas ako kapag nakakapaso na.

"Maybe Elle started loving me the way I loved her." Pinaglaruan nya ang cellphone nya habang diretso ang tingin sa mg bituin.

"And maybe, she woke up in realization too. I was there when Neon left her. At alam kong nasaktan sya ng nalaman nyang wala na. She was desperate."

"The time Neon promised he would love Elle, that was the most lie she haven't had handle."

Tumingin sya sa kawalan na parang pilit inaalala ang lahat.

"Do you still remember those days, Neon? The day when you first met my parents?"

"Umiiyak na sya no'n, kasi hindi na sumasagot si Neon. Pakiramdam nya, ayaw ni Neon. He was afraid of keeping promises. Dahil barkada namin sya, alam ko. He was afraid promising."

Lumunok sya at pumikit ng mariin. At ngayon, si Neon naman ang iniwan ni Elle?

"Elle left Neon now?" Tanong ko sakanya.

Umiling sya na parang alam na alam nya ang lahat ng nangyari, "Neon went back to New York after few months. At noong nalaman ni Elle 'yon, natakot sya. She was the one to break-up with Neon."

"We were all fifteen back then, but that doesn't mean, things were all fake. Hindi lahat kasinungalingan."

"I kept all your gifts. I'll keep our memories. Not sure how long it will take to New York? Okay lang. Everything's fine! I'll wait... please. We had so much promises. Neon, we had it so much! Just a promise that you'll still love me."

"Nandoon ako noong nakita ko na nasasaktan sya, and to see her fragile... I just want to blame it on myself for doing nothing."

"Ikaw lang ang aalis Neon, 'wag ang pagmamahal mo... Just that simple promise. Please."

"When you spilled your coffee unto me? I was a jerk for showing how odd I am to you. Sa tingin ko noon, girls don't deserve to be respected."

Napangiti ako ng naalala ko ang nakakatawang pag-uusap namin noon. Ang bilis ng panahon. Sobra.

"Dahil nasaktan ako noon, kay Elle. What I did was to show Elle how important she is, na marami pa'ng ibang lalaki na magmamahal sakanya. That I was ready to be hurt as long as it's for her."

He bitterly smiled. I know, I understand. Marks from the past will remain, it can just be covered but not erased.

"After Neon left her sa mga sinabi at ginawa nya, I saw how fragile she was. Pero ginamit nya lang ako para mapabalik si Neon sakanya."

Hinawakan nya ang kamay ko at pinaglaruan 'yon, pinisil nya at tinignan.

"Everything went fine. Lahat okay na, Autumn. Kaya lang noong bumalik sya sakin, I remembered how frail she was. And I never wanted to hurt her the same way Neon did."

"But believe me or not, I did not choose her over you. I just had to settle things, she was on a depression. Nagkaroon ng problema sakanya, ayokong bumalik sakanya ang nakaraan. Isang rason rin 'yon kung bakit Psychology ang kinuha ko."

Ngumiti sya sakin. He flashed a genuine smile and looked away.

"Gusto kong ipakita sakanya noon na lahat magiging okay lang. Pilit kong pinaintindi sakanya lahat, hanggang sa naging okay na."

Niyakap nya 'ko at naramdaman ko ang kamay nya na pinaglalaruan ang buhok ko.

"Kaya ako nandito ngayon."

"Sorry. Sorry kung iniwan kita." His hug becomes tighter and tighter.

"And like all the other men, I can't afford to lose you again."

Tumingin ako sa madilim na langit, naalala ko lahat ng nangyari samin dito sa lugar na 'to. The non-romantic date, the Dandelion and crushed leaves I have written because of this, the lonely swingset, and the waiting for the sunrise.

Hinila nya ang kamay ko, at pinatayo ako. At bago nya hawakan ang bewang ko, may pinindot muna sya sa cellphone nya.

"Remember this day, January 7, 2014." He smiled.

Oh God, his smile I've always wanted to see.

You look so wonderful in your dress.
I love your hair like that.
The way it falls on the side of your neck,
Down your shoulders and back.

We chuckled. This is the day I've experienced emotions the most. He leaned his forehead onto mine.

We are surrounded by all of these lies
And people who talk too much.
You got the kind of look in your eyes
As if no one knows anything but us.

Should this be the last thing I see?
I want you to know it's enough for me,
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need.

"Don't stop smiling... I've always wanted that curve."

Pinikit nya ang mata nya, at patuloy akong sinasayaw habang nakalagay ang kamay nya sa bewang ko.

I'm so in love, so in love,
So in love, so in love.

You look so beautiful in this light.
Your silhouette over me.
The way it brings out the blue in your eyes,
Is the Tenerife Sea.

"Glad I've been your last dance." He smirked.

This agitating, self-proclaimed bastard. His smirks, I missed.

"Happy eighteenth."

And all of the voices surrounding us here,
They just fade out when you take a breath.
Just say the word and I will disappear,
Into the wilderness.

Should this be the last thing I see?
I want you to know it's enough for me,
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need.

I'm so in love, so in love,
So in love, so in love.

"I wish I could be a hero. I wish I could be a prince."

Lumière, darling.
Lumière over me.

Should this be the last thing I see?
I want you to know it's enough for me,
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need.

"I wish I saved you. I wish I didn't hurt you."

I'm so in love, so in love,
So in love, love, love, love,
So in love.

You look so wonderful in your dress.
I love your hair like that,
And in a moment I knew you, back.

Pinikit ko rin ang mata ko at ngumiti,

"You don't have to wish. Because once upon a time, you became one..."

I opened my eyes. Our eyes met. He gazed unto me, I gazed unto him.

"When you caught my heart, by the time I fell."

We waited till the sunrise comes.