Letting Go

Forty-eight

January 13, 2014

Tuesday

The atmosphere's cold. I've never wanted the aura whenever it rains. Nakisabay pa ang ulan. And I swear, I wouldn't forget this day.

I tried to connect things, every part of it. Every single dot that happened. All I can do is cry. And nothing but to cry.
Hindi ko alam kung kanino nagiging unfair. Kung sakin ba, o sakanya. Alam ko lang napagod ako kakaiyak. Umuwi ako ng basang-basa. Because if there are people who have different shades of color when it comes to umbrellas, I have a huge anger to it, I hate umbrella and I really don't want to bring one of it. Umuuwi ako palagi ng sira ang payong ko. Atleast, hindi ako natangay ng sarili kong payong. Hindi ako nahirapan, umuwi lang ako ng basang-basa.

It was two o'clock pm when our class dismissed. Natapos ang subject ko sa Computer Science kaya nagmamadali akong pumunta sa second floor dahil nakasalubong ko si Axle, isa sa mga barkada ni Chill. Tinanong ko sya kung nasaan si Chill because I would wait at the Tree. He promised me to bring me back home.

Isang iling at 'Sorry, hindi ko alam' ang sagot nya. I was frustrated when I got to the Tree. He wasn't there. Nag-alala ako, of course, after what happened back to the past, how would you expect me not to worry? I was left. At noong gabing 'yon, I cried. But this time, it's called more than crying. Umiiyak ako to the extent na pati ang luha ko pagod na.

I waited for an hour and a half kaya I texted him not to bother anymore. Besides, I can go home alone. I told him I was already on the bus. And I know, I told him that before at totoong kaya ko namang umuwi mag-isa. Kaya, bakit kailangan ko pa syang pag-alalahanin, diba? Ang alam ko lang, nag-promise sya kaya there is a part of me that I have to deal with my anger.

"Last five minutes."

I ended up waiting for an hour and a half because of those three words. Three tiring words. Dahil sa sarili ko, I'm still expecting things and him to come.

After I texted him, nakita ko syang palabas ng gate kaya nagtago ako sa ibang lugar. Medyo malayo sakanya. He was holding his umbrella, and his other's holding his phone. He looks frustrated. Humawak sya sa ulo nya habang ako, kahit basang-basa na, pinilit na sundan sya. Yes, I followed him.

"Drink that." Tinignan ko lang si Goy and tried to get back from where my story was. Inaalala ko ang mg nangyari.

"Hot chocolate 'yan, inumin mo na."

Kinuha ko 'yon sa center table at inamoy, tinaas ko ng konti ang sleeves ng suot kong sweatshirt.

Nakatulala ako sa pader, I don't really understand things. Si Goy, alam nya lang umuwi ako ng basang-basa at umiiyak. Nakatingin lang sila Lei at Jeanelle. I don't want to be the center of attraction, I don't want to be their reason of worrying kaya pagka-inom ko sa hot choco, pumasok na 'ko sa kwarto and locked up myself.

There, I laid on my bed. I breathed deeply and started throwing pillow.

Five hours since I followed him. Five darn hours of thinking why was he there. Five hours of processing what did someone said to him. I just want to end days. Pagod na 'ko masyado.

"Kumain ka na."

Geez. Kanina pa sila kumakatok.

"Lost my appetite."

Nagpunta ako sa bintana, and with every person passing by, I can't help but to feel a deep sonder. Have they been like this before?

Or, does Chill see the star I'm looking outside this window tonight?