Letting Go

Thirty-four

"D-Dare, it was just a dare... A freaking insanity." Tumalikod na ako at nagsimulang maglakad palayo.

"But you can be with me." He said.

"Maghihintay rin ako, kung okay lang." Naramdaman kong malamig ang pagkasabi ni Humprey noon.

Ayokong magka-problema pa. Humakbang ako palayo at umiling, "Gusto ko munang mapag-isa."

--

Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mga gagawin ko. I may look overacting and I sometimes find it that way. But whenever I see myself as someone falling into a nice and soft hole but keeps on being pulled up by someone who wants to be in that place and placing me into somewhere out there, nagiging unfair sa sarili ko kung lolokohin ko pa 'ako' dahil alam ko naman ang totoo.

Kapag nalaglag ako, papagurin ko lang ang sarili ko dahil alam kong may pipilit na magpataas sakin palabas sa balon, pero kapag hindi naman ako nahulog, may ibang magpupunta doon at magiging masaya habang ako, hindi nakuha ang gusto kong makuha at mapuntahan ang dapat kong patunguhan.

Minsan naiisip ko, kung hindi ko kaya nakilala ang mga taong 'to, nasan kaya ako? Ano kayang nararamdaman ko? Ano'ng buhay ang meron ako?

But everything seems different, not like before. Different comes with midnight memories, bag of awesomeness because of two weirdo kids talking every night awake until
midnight, texting madness, nostalgic creatures, waves of euphoria, talking insanity about outlandish stuff, the hate I sometimes feel about him, his voice inside my head that keeps on playing, his brown eyes, and the similarities and differences that goes with them after.

At hindi sapat lahat ng bagay na 'yon para i-explain ang nararamdaman ko, ang mga pangyayari sa amin.

I switched off the lamp at ang cellphone ko nalang ang nagiging liwanag ko.

Chill calling...

He calls every night, just like tonight. Gabi-gabi kaming nag-uusap, and yes, I feel like I'm a happy camper. I always have my reckless thoughts with me, and I just don't want to think of Elle anymore. But I can't. I feel sick, and yes, I admit it, I'm falling.

I declined the call.

Ugh.

I texted him up,

To: Honeybabes

Hey. I'm sorry, I declined the call. Bukas nalang tayo mag-usap. :)

I smiled. He won't let me change his contact name.

Ini-off ko na ang phone ko at hindi na naghintay ng reply.

I closed my eyes, and slowly fall asleep.

Kinabukasan, I was waiting for him nearby the tree of creeps. And usually, kapag wala pa yung hinihintay ko, nag-iisip muna ako.

I recalled. I recalled everything what Elle said by the time I saw her sa isang park.

Flashback

"I wish the both of you have been good friends." She smiled and breathed deeply.

Umiwas ako sakanya ng tingin.

"Sana... I wish you two are just friends." I heard her whisper. Hindi 'yon malakas, but still, I heard it.

I was about to tell her all. That it hasn't been unrequited. Gusto ko si Chill, gusto nya 'ko. Marami pang iba.

But not when I saw how vulnerable she is.

"Ang tanga ko." Tumalikod sya sakin but I can see her shoulder going up and down.

"I'm too stupid for letting him go."

"Sya yung nandoon nung nawala si Neon. Sya yung nandoon nung umalis si Neon, Autumn." Pinipigilan ko rin ang luha ko.

Pumunta ako sa harap nya and held her shoulders.

"Minahal nya 'ko, and now. It was only then I realize that it was him whom I fell inlove with." I bit my lip.

I was confused. I am confuse.

"Ang selfish, selfish ko." Pinunasan nya ng kamay nya ang luha nya, pero patuloy parin 'yon sa pag-agos.

"Sorry." Iyon nalang ang nasabi ko, she looked at me and stopped crying. Tumalikod ako at paalis na sana.

"No, I am sorry." I keep on biting my lip, my hands were shaking. I didn't bother to look back.

"Sorry, Autumn. But if being selfish is the only way to get him back..."

I almost stopped breathing, I looked back.

"Sorry, but I have to be selfish." A tear on her face fell, just like mine. She left me with a shocked expression.