Letting Go

Fifty-three

February 11, 2014

Tuesday

Ilang weeks na ang lumipas pagkatapos no'n, at nagtuloy-tuloy parin kung ano'ng meron sya. Hindi ko na nga alam ang dapat kong maramdaman. Palagi nalang masakit ang ulo nya, and his unconscious mind never get tired of being with him. Madalas, nakakatulog sya. And worse, the person I get to see at the University everyday has been the person I go to after my classes, not in the classroom but inside a hospital room. A white room, clear and calm to see, but where you feel your paranoia getting worse.

This was different more than I've ever expected. Ang hirap. Ang sakit pala na makita yung taong mahal mo, nakahiga, walang malay, walang alam sa pagmamahal na nararamdaman mo. Nakakalungkot isipin na sa ilang saglit, alam mo sa sarili mo na walang malay, at nawalan ng pakielam ang taong mahal mo sa pagmamahal mo sakanya.

"Acham, gising na."

I started clinging his hands. Warm, and the same old hands I used to hold. But what I am feeling right now is different. Now's new. Aside of the love I always have for him, I know that I have this great painful load in me. A great burden. An ironic bittersweet sorrow.

"You just did."

"Chill."

"You called me Acham." He smiled weakly.

He clung my hands too and smirked. This bastard haven't changed a bit.

"Wait, tatawag ako ng nurse."

"Sandali lang, maya-maya na."

Tinignan ko sya ng diretso.

"Tumahan ka nga, pangit mo umiyak." Pang-aasar nya sakin. Kahit kelan ka talaga, Gonzales.

"Half day kang unconscious."

Yes. Half day syang unconscious. Ano'ng ineexpect nya, ang magtatatalon ako sa saya? Kasi, I'm expecting problems to end even if it won't? Tinakip ko na ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko.

Tinignan nya lang ako, he looks so pale. Alam kong mahirap parin sakanya. Medyo nanghihina pa sya ng hinawakan nya ang kamay ko. I know when he gets serious. Dahil yun ang oras na nararamdaman ko na may mali.

"Sa susunod 'wag ka na ulit iiyak. 'Di bagay."

"Tss. Tinawag mo 'kong Acham kaya nagising ako. Ang lakas ko kaya. Tsk."

Sumuntok sya sa hangin at tumawa. I smiled and it all went into a deep silence. Inaantay ko lang ang parents ni Chill dahil hindi nila ako pinayagan na mag-stay at may pasok pa daw ako bukas.

"Gusto ko na ulit pumasok. Tss. Boring dito." Tinignan nya 'ko, pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang hindi maiyak. I felt the best nervousness in my life today as I wait for him to open his eyes.

"Tumigil ka nga. Napaka-drama mo." He's smiling yet annoyed.

"Chill..."

"Please."

"D-Don't leave."

Hindi ko alam. But it felt like I burnt both of our ear drums and it went to a long deep silence. No Autumn, you have to be brave.

"I won't leave."

Pakiramdam ko ang sama ko. Pinapakita ko na mawawala na nga sya, kahit hindi naman ako sigurado sa mga mangyayari. Pinapakita ko na pinanghihinaan ako, kahit na hindi dapat. Kahit na ako dapat ang nagpapalakas sa loob nya.

"Kaya ko 'to." He smiled a bit, just half of his lips. I know it's fake. I know.

"Hindi ako magagalit, kahit tawagin mo pang gwapo, pogi, acham 'yang sarili mo bawat segundo..."

"Kahit pag-tripan mo 'ko palagi, kahit tapunan mo 'ko ng sauce ng kwek-kwek ng ilang beses, kahit sabihin mo sa ibang tao kung paano ko nalagyan ng Red spot yung polo mo, kahit isakay mo 'ko ulit ng mabilis sa motor mo, yung pakiramdam na ikakamatay ko. Okay lang. Basta, 'wag mo na 'kong iiwan ulit."

Hindi ko na kaya. Hindi na. Pagod na pagod na 'ko na itago ang mga luha na lagi ko nalang pinipigilang 'wag ng pakawalain pa sa mata ko. Dahil sa tuwing dumadating yung oras na dapat ko na 'yong ilabas, mas lalo lang akong nahihirapan.

"Utang na loob... "

"Chill, please. 'Wag."

Ayoko. Hindi. Hindi ko kakayanin. Sobra na 'kong nasaktan ng iniwan nya 'ko ng isang beses. Kahit alam ko na nandito pa sya sa mundong 'to, hindi ko kinaya. And that leaves me hanging, asking me a question I won't know till the time comes. Paano kapag nawala na sya? Kapag walang wala na?

"I will never leave you."

"Chill..."

"I may go somewhere far, maybe you cannot see me. But I'll never leave. Hindi kita iiwanan."

"You left for hours. Ilang lang oras kang nawala. Nawala yung ikaw, yung tawa mo, yung ngiti mo, yung boses mo. Nawala ka. You were unconscious and you left me. You've forgotten me for a moment."

"I never did... Ganoon mo ba kabilis nakalimutan ang lalaking nakilala mo? Hindi ako ang nakalimot. Nakalimutan mo sa sarili mo yung ako. Yung tawa ko? Yung ngiti ko? Yung boses ko? Yung ako."

"H-Hindi..."

"Hanggat naaalala mo ako... Hanggat nanjan ako..." He pointed my chest, where my heart's located.

"Hinding-hindi ako mawawala. Hindi kita iiwanan."

Tumingin sya sa mga mata ko ng diretso.

"Natulog ako, and maybe my mind did not think of you. But my heart did, my heart does. It beats for only one person in this world..."

"It is you, Autumn."

He held my hands and I held his.

"I wish I would stay as me in your heart forever. I wish you would still remember me and hold me tight by your side..."

"And I wish our memories would go with us. Even if I'm gone. Because I may leave this world, but not in someone's heart."

Natatakot akong maramdaman yung pakiramdam na gusto mong bumalik sa nakaraan. Yung pakiramdam na gusto mong yakapin ang isang tao, pero wala na. Tapos na. And I'm afraid that maybe one day, I won't be able to rewind what happened.

One of the saddest things life taught me, was that; It is not just the person that you miss. And most part of the whole thing is, you miss the memories and feelings. Because those times that you actually go with that same person over and over, it is their soul that goes with you. And it is the flashback that goes with the two same person sharing those times with each other... Till forever.

One day, it will all turn into memories.

It leaves a mark. It remains unforgotten.