The Diary Of Gabriel

Back in school he was a fool

Linda didn't see what I had for her, when I went to her office to tell her that our deal is off she told me that she will tell the authorities that I'm the one who raped her, I mean you had to see the look on her face when I showed her the pictures where I'm tied to her bed and she is putting off her cigarettes in my body while on top of me, I winked in her face and walked out to have my lunch, and I was looking for Rebecca to tell her that I'm sorry and when I saw her, I went and just before I open my mouth out of the blue she said "yes"
I asked her "what did you say yes to?"
And she said "you were going to apologize and ask if we could be friends and hang out"
I was amazed but I told her that I could read people too, so
She said "it's a date then, you will come to my house after school"
I tried to tell her that I had work to do after school but she insisted that I forget about it today, so I agreed, I mean it's just one day, Isaac won't be that mad, and I was ignoring my hunger at the time so I didn't eat, or you can say ignored eating because I didn't have the urge to eat at the moment, and as I was walking beside Rebecca I felt dizzy and then I fainted, the last thing I remember is feeling mud on my face, the first thing I saw was that I was in a strange room, it's a place I've never been before, I thought "did I have sex with Rebecca?"
But then I remembered I don't forget anything so how could I forget about something like that, it was a stupid idea, I was panicking I didn't know why, and there she was, Rebecca, I saw her getting in the room and saying "oh! You're finally awake, I thought you were dead or something, so what is it? Why did you fall out of the blue?"
I said to her "maybe because I didn't eat? Isn't that why a fully healthy human would fall out of the blue?"
So she went to the kitchen and got me a small piece of chocolate cake, I took the first bite and it felt like heaven, so I made this small moaning sound,
Rebecca looked at me and smiled and said "that's sexy"
I told her to stop thinking like that, and asked her where my clothes were because I felt trapped in the clothes that she put on me while I was sleeping. She didn't tell me where my clothes are but she told me that she doesn't understand why I wear wide clothes when I have a body like that, I freaked out and thought that she saw my body totally naked, and did something that I probably won't allow, but she knew that I thought that, and said "chill big guy, I only took off your dirty clothes because of the mud"
And she asked why I had all these weird stuff in my back bag, I freaked out again, and asked her what did she find, and she said that she only saw my knife and camera and my leather gloves. I changed the subject by asking her if she wanted to try and read me and see if I could read her, and she said "yes"
and told me to start and try and give her a character, so I looked carefully at everything, and I said "your family became rich about two months ago because of your father's new job, judging by the house and how the paint looks and all your stuff here, your father cared about you and he loved you but you wanted him to care about you in another way, that's why you don't like to be the center of attention but you like to have some attention and your mother is having an affair, and you know it by your reaction when I said that, and you don't have any siblings"
I opened her mouth to see her teeth and went to the bathroom for a second and came back and kept going saying "judging by the tooth paste you brush your teeth twice a day, but there is a very small yellow color in your teeth which means that you smoke, but not in front of your parents because the yellow color would be stronger if you did, and by looking at your wrist I see that you did drugs once or twice and you probably don't just smoke cigarettes, you also smoke weed from time to time, and your personality is easy to crack judging by our first time seeing each other, or let me say the first time I made you notice me, you don't like your feminine side, you like to have male haircuts because you don't want to be like other girls, you are a little sadist but not the hurting kind, and sex is all that is in your head, you are probably thinking about fucking me right now by the way you just bit your lips, and your weakness points are muscular males or soft males, and since you can't have both, and I gave you both in the same person, you are obsessed with me ever since, you are a control freak, or wait, no, I'm mistaken, you actually don't like to be in control all the time you like to be roughed by someone and to rough someone up at the same time while having sex, and that's it, tell me if I'm mistaken"
I said those words and Rebecca started crying like a little baby, and she said "I hate you"
I actually felt guilty about what I said because of the way she reacted, but it's only the truth, I didn't know what to say but sorry, and told her to read the monster in front of her, trying to make her feel better, she told me to take off my shirt,
I asked "why"
She said "it's necessary"
So I did it knowing that she will talk about the bruises and burns on my body, She said in confidence "your family is rich judging by the camera you have, and your father and mother give you all the attention and care you need, but you are just an ungrateful bastard, that wants to push everyone away, the marks on your body shows how much of a self-destructive person you are, you think hurting yourself will make you feel less about things or about other people hurting you"
And she slapped me and said "hit me back"
And I said "no"
So she slapped me harder and yelled "hit me back and don't be weak"
I broke and got angry and pushed her to the ground and became on top her, I thought about chocking her to death, but she wasn't guilty of anything but being a teenager, and that would leave trace to me,
So I put my hand roughly on her neck and yelled at her "what if I don't want to hit you"
She replied calmly "then fuck me Gabriel"
and she kissed me, at this moment I had a million voices in my head reminding me of what sex means because of what Linda did to me, but one voice in my head kept saying, you are in control of what happens, and so I kept kissing Rebecca, I wasn't planning to but I am in control, her body was soft and young unlike Linda, she kept biting my lips, so I ripped her clothes off and I was in control this time, I wasn't tied, and I didn't get hurt, and after I finished having sex with Rebecca I just felt good you know, not amazing and not scared nor shaking I was just good, I knew that she manipulated me into having sex with her, but I still was in control, because I let her, and as I was resting beside her looking at the ceiling she started smoking a cigarette and asked me if she read me right,
I said "nothing of what you said is right"
And so she asked me wondering "why didn't you ask me if what you read about me was right?"
I said "actually I asked you if I was mistaken but you forgot, and I asked you to be polite, but in fact I actually know that what I said was right, you can't lie to me because I will know"
She laughed and said "you're not polite now are you? Actually I think you need to shower"
I told her that I will shower at my home because I like to shower alone in with the bathroom lights off.
She said in a way that shows disappointment "fine!"
After I got my clothes from the dryer and put my stuff in my bag, and as I opened the door, the most unbelievable thing happened, I found Isaac in front of me, we both looked at each other in shock I didn't know why exactly was he shocked to see me, I thought he was here for me, what if he's here to hurt Rebecca or steal their house, stupid me for thinking that, and I yelled like a moron "hide Rebecca!"
But she came out to see and I heard her say "oh daddy you're here early, I want you to meet my boyfriend Gabriel"
I said out loud "oh fuck"
I thought in my head, is he going to kill me, how was I stupid enough not to conclude that, I mean her family became rich at the exact time I started dealing with Isaac, I should've put that in my head, and Isaac broke the silence by saying to Rebecca "sweetie get me some water, your boyfriend is staying for dinner"
And as she walked away, he looked me dead in the eye and said with a nervous tone "what the fuck are you doing in my house, and why didn't you come today, it's only two years till you can gamble on your own, and I don't want you to waste any of that"
I said trying to calm him down "chill old man, I didn't know that she was your daughter and you know that I can make you money that you can have your whole life and it won't be even finished by the time you die, so please just calm down"
and so he just got normal again and after half an hour Rebecca's mom got back home, and in minutes the table was sit, and they all sat,
Rebecca's mom looked at me and asked me "so, do you love Rebecca Gabriel?"
I turned the subject by asking her back "are you okay with her falling in love?"
And she replied to me "of course I am why wouldn't I be? Why do you ask that?"
I said "well, my father used to hit me when I mention feelings, or when he saw me talking to girls"
Isaac asked "and why did he stop doing that"
Trying to imply that I should get beat up more just because he's angry at me.
His wife said "Isaac!"
In a way that means, you can't say that, I said "no, it's okay, he stopped because he died, his... well let's call her lover, poisoned him"
They all said in one voice "that's horrible"
I wanted to laugh but I couldn't, it's stupid that no one suspects that it was me who killed him, after I had lunch I had my talk with Isaac to be on the same page because he's a greedy bastard and I am... well I don't really know if I'm in love with Rebecca but I know that she's my only friend for now.
As I entered our shitty apartment I find my mother standing in front of me saying with an aggressive tone "where were you?"
I replied "I was at a friend's house, why do you care?"
She said like she didn't hear my question "your father would've never allowed this"
I said looking at her dead in the eye with cruelty in my voice "well, he's not here to do anything, is he?"
She said "how could you say that when he's dead?"
I said "well, let me remind you mother, of how he died, he was poisoned, and not by anyone, no, he was poisoned by the woman he cheated with on you, and poor you couldn't believe it when the detectives told you that he was having an affair with her, he cheated on you with a slut, a five dollars hooker, maybe even he loved her don't you think? And after all that you are still loving him more than me, your own son? That's why I don't think you care mom"
and the conversation ended with me walking in my room with pride, I feel like I didn't only win once over my father, I felt like I won twice, I know that you think I'm cruel for doing what I did, or saying what I said, but he was treating her like shit, and I thought that she needed to wake up from this dream where he is the perfect person, and see his true form, the kind of monster he was, but I'm no different from him am I? I think I will go walk in that alley right now, I don't know what I will do but I feel like I have to do something, I don't know what that something is yet, but I know that it might make me feel better about myself, I will tell you about it when I'm finished, goodbye for now my lovely notebook.