The Diary Of Gabriel

You can't do anything about it

Arthur closed the notebook and his tears were falling on the ground as every kind of thought flew by his mind. He went on his way and put the notebook in his bag as he walked with his remembering things that he wished he never did. Arthur said while walking and looking at the ground "I was a bad son"
The next day, Arthur sat in front of the grave, not wanting to open the notebook, as if he knows what's in there.
He opened the notebook and started reading.

""You can't do anything about it." If Arthur wasn't my son I would've hit him for saying that, I lost my mind today, I've reached a dead end, a point of no progress. It's been a year since Shaun's death, and just as things were going back to normal, one of god's creations had to ruin it all. A girl was kidnapped a month ago, a girl from one of my classes, they suspected that she ran away because she was depressed or because she hated her life, but that wasn't it, because she wasn't, since I would know if she was, her smile were pure and her family were kind, and I would know of someone is putting up an act. Once she was reported missing, I called the marshal, I was running around myself, I kept doing equation on how far she would've went if she traveled with a certain way, to a certain place, I asked him to hire every man he knows to keep looking in the radius that she couldn't have passed, and they found nothing, I even looked for the blueprints of every house in the radius, and it didn't help, I was pulling my hair off, because I knew that every second that passes, the chances of finding her would get lower, and today I gave up. It took her family a month to give up, and I refused to go to the memorial, I called the marshal for a last hope to see if he found anything, and he said "you can't help everyone"
I was going to break the phone from how furious I was.
And today I was still overthinking on the whiteboard I have and Arthur came in on me and said "why are you so soaked into this?"
I said looking at the whiteboard trying to find clues "the real question is, why isn't everyone else soaked in this, just because we couldn't find her for a month, that means we just give up on her"
Arthur said "but it's not your job dad"
I didn't say anything as I kept looking at the board the same way. Arthur said "people get kidnapped every day, dad, you can't do anything about it"
It wasn't pretty but I snapped, I punched the board as I yelled "don't you dare say that to me!"
Arthur took a step back because he was scared, he never saw me that way before. I took a deep breath as I looked at the ground and said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you that way"
Arthur said "I'm the one who's sorry, it was stupid of me to say that when I don't know what it feels like to lose someone"
I hugged him as I said "you're probably right, I'm too soaked into this. It's just that I don't like the feeling of helplessness"
Arthur said "let's go play some games, god is probably having bigger plans"
I felt defeated, but I couldn't just lose my son. It feels selfish, but maybe it wasn't even my problem in the first place. It's going to take a while for things to get back to normal again in school, and everything is constantly changing now that Arthur is becoming a teenager. Liz and Elena are living a good life, and every time Elena tries to talk to Arthur he just walks the other way, and when I talk to him about it, he would say "I have the right to not talk about something if I don't want to dad"
Someday he will talk about it. Unfortunately there are no happy moments I can tell you about, but I can only hope to find those in the future, I will talk to you again some other time.

I think this is the first and last argument I will ever have with Arthur, he's a teenager, he's sixteen and for the first time I can see him speaking his mind on what he hates on me, I was an ignorant enough to think that he had no problems with me at all. The argument went like this. We were just sitting and out of the blue I said "that's it, what's the matter?"
He looked at me putting up an act as he said "what's the matter with what?"
I looked at him with my eyes wide open as I said "you know what's the matter, I'm not stupid Arthur"
He smiled as he said "so you finally noticed!"
I said "Arthur! I noticed since you've turned fifteen, now what the is wrong"
He said "you"
I said "what do you mean me? What's wrong with me?"
He said "everything dad! It's like you're this perfect human being, and everyone is just expecting me to be like you, the teachers fucking call me Mister Gabriel's son, it's as if I don't have a name or something, I have been living in your shadows for too long that when people see me, they remember you and forget that there's another person in front of them"
I said "but since when do we care about what people say?"
He said "well apparently I do now, and of course you won't care just because you're too goddamn perfect"
I said "you of all people know that I was never perfect"
He said rolling his eyes "yeah, yeah, that's the reason you're just the perfect father. You always give me my own choice and you never yell at me, the one time you yelled at me was because you're mad at fate dad, and you even apologized to me for it, and every time you would get burned because of an accident that I made in the kitchen, you'd take the pain and say that it's okay and that you'd do it again if you had to"
I said "well, do you want me to beat you every time you do anything bad?"
He yelled "I wish you did, because then I wouldn't feel so bad about myself not being as good of a person as you are, even when we're training, you never actually hit me physically, you stop your hits before it touches my skin and you count it as a hit"
I said "I'm sorry for making you feel that way"
He yelled "again, you're apologizing for something that isn't even your fault, I bet you apologized to mom when you knew she was dying didn't you?"
I looked at him not knowing what to say as he said "and why do you never talk about her? You always avoid talking about her and change the subject when I say her name"
I said with a sad tone "because I miss her, and..."
He said "and what dad? She's my mother you know? And I miss her too, and I had every right to know about her because she's my mother as well"
I looked at the ground and I started to think that I didn't need to be my father to be a bad father, I didn't feel so good, so I said to Arthur "alright then, let's go see your mom"
He yelled "I don't want to go to the grave anymore, I've been there countless times, it's just her body that's in there, not her"
I said with a sad tone "I didn't say we're going to the grave, I said we're going to see your mom"
He looked confused but he didn't say anything as he followed me and put on his shoes, and got on the motorcycle, I never thought I would ever feel that strange to Arthur, we didn't say a word, I took him to the beach house. He said "so you're showing me her paintings?"
I moved my head left and right as I kept walking in silence, I got inside the beach house and I went upstairs and he followed me, it was too dusty since it's been a long time since anyone's been there, so I blew the dust away from the tapes and the player and the screen, Arthur looked confused I said putting one of the tapes in the player "this is your mom, and the video started playing.
Ana said "is it recording now?"
I nodded as I was holding Arthur, she said smiling to the Camera "hey Arthur, I don't know if you will ever see this, but when you're seeing this you probably know that I don't exist anymore, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, I wish I was, look at how tiny you are in your daddy's arms, you're going to grow up into a beautiful man, and all the girls will be crazy about you, the great Arthur, your dad isn't saying anything because he's sad"
And she kissed my face as she kept saying "I know that he can be frustrating sometimes because of how calm he is, but don't worry he loves you more than anything Arthur, and I Envy you, because he loves you more than he will ever love me, I know that your childhood was hard, and I know that you kept thinking why wasn't I there for you"
Her eyes were full of tears as she said "and I mean it more than anything when I say that I would do anything just to be able to stay with you"
And she chuckled as she wiped the tears off and said "at least you're left with the better parent, I wouldn't have been able to cook you the best food, or teach you, because I'm not that smart, or even protect you, because I'm not that strong"
She looked at me and said "say something Gabriel, don't just leave me here speaking alone"
I said trying not to cry "I will probably only show you this when we have a fight because I'm a bad father"
Anastasia said "don't say that, you're going to be the perfect father for him, and you will only show him this when he misses me, and I don't think he will ever miss me with your existence"
I chuckled as I wiped the tears and said "you're arguing in front of him right now, in the future"
She took Arthur from me as she said kissing his face "parents argue all the time, right Arthur?"
I said "maybe we should turn off the camera now and film other moments for him to remember you with"
And then I closed the camera. Arthur looked at me as he said "is there any more of these?"
I nodded as I gave him another one to put in the player as I said "I didn't watch that one before"
And the video started playing, Ana said "Gabriel probably never watched this one before Arthur, so he's just like you, it's his first time watching it, because I asked him not to, I'm sorry if this is embarrassing for you Gabriel. Arthur, I want you to know that your father loves you, even if he loves you more than you want him to, he's just lonely, and you're the only light that's going to be left for him after my death, I know that he can be too good sometimes, to an annoying point that you start feeling that he's perfect, he probably never told you about his family, I don't know if you're old enough to say this word, but they're fucking shitty people, his father was the worst and his mom was the second worst, all he wants is to never be like his father, please go easy on him, because no matter how hard you push him, he's never going to push back, he loves you Arthur, and this message is for you Gabriel, get another wife or find someone to love"
And the video ended, I chuckled at the last part as I was wiping my tears that Arthur didn't notice they were there since he started playing the video. He hugged me as he said "why did you never show me this?"
I said "I thought it's going to be bad for you"
He said "does it look like it's bad for me?"
I looked at him not knowing what to say, so I said "are you still mad at me?"
He said slapped his forehead as he said "I thought you were smarter than this, dad I was never really mad at you in the first place, I just had to prove for myself that I can break you and drive you into hitting me or being aggressive, I did break you and I regret that, I wouldn't blame you for neglecting me"
I looked at him as I took a deep breath "you're an asshole!"
He said "I am sorry, do you accept my apology?"
I said "of course I do"
He hugged me as he said "you just can't hate me, and I will have to start accepting that now"
I held his shoulder as I said "don't abuse that"
He took the tapes with him, and the player too, and he stayed the night crying happy tears in his room. It's dawn now, he fell asleep watching one of the tapes of me singing, I turned it off and here I am talking to you, I think I will get even closer to Arthur now that he made me cry. Maybe you'd find it pathetic to have your own son make you cry, but he's sad that he did, which is what matters, I will sleep now and talk to you again later.