The Diary Of Gabriel

Crowded solitude

Arthur started reading

"life is random to a point you can't imagine, you see bad things happen to others, and you stop getting involved with the world, you forget that you can have bad things happen to you, maybe they happen all the time but we just choose to see the destruction made by bad events, we choose to see what was called a perfect life as the leftovers from a very delicious dish licked clean by what's called death, maybe it's just a bad event that could make life bad to someone. Yes, someone died Anastasia if I'm being specific, and it wasn't an accident or a surprise or anything, we knew she had three months left, if there's a god, this is probably how he gets his kicks.
I was the husband and I knew the test results before her, so I had to be the deliverer of bad news.
I went up to her and I held my tears for long enough and I said "Ana..."
I couldn't even complete my sentence, Anastasia got worried as she said "what is it? Am I pregnant again?"
I looked away from her eyes as I said "Ana, you're dying from pancreatic cancer, and there's no cure for that"
I looked everywhere that's considered away from her eyes as I cried like a little kid who had his favorite toy taken away from him by the his idiotic parent. Ana said with a sad yet warm tone "come here! Sit by me!"
She was on a hospital bed and I sat beside her shaking my legs and biting my lips and crying, and trying not to make eye contact. Ana put her hand on my knee to stop me from shaking my legs nervously and she said "Gabriel, look at me"
I said "I don't want to"
She asked "why?"
I looked at her and she wiped most of my tears with her hand as she said "it's okay, don't cry"
I yelled crying harder as I pointed at Arthur "it's not okay! Why does it have to be you? And you won't even get to see Arthur grow up, and he will never remember you! Don't just act like the doctors do"
Ana said "at least the better parent will be left to take care of Arthur"
I didn't say anything, Ana pulled me towards her as she said "I know that I'm acting calmer than I should act, but I'm scared of dying, can you not scare me more? I just want to be with you in these next months until I... until I die"
Everything we did in those months was recorded, Ana would ask me to sing from time to time, and whenever I did that around Arthur he would just clap his hands and start moving left and right, she asked me to stay at the beach house because she thought it was the most beautiful place to exist. When she died she was on drugs to make the pain less painful. Her last words before she closed her eyes were "my teeny tiny little angel held by my guardian one"
She was happy saying it, and I didn't cry just as she asked me to. I waited for her life to fade away to burst in tears. Her funeral was disgusting since everyone at the school loved her, they all came, and it was a gathering full of sorrow and pain. When I die my dying wish will be for no one to come to my funeral. I didn't go to work for a week, and I hadn't had a shave for more than three months, I didn't even want to talk to you. After this week I decided it was enough time for me, and I went to school to attend to my classes. I entered the classroom holding Arthur inside his baby basket as I said to the Shaun who's attending to my class "I believe this is my class"
Shaun stood up as everyone looked at me, Shaun came to me and put his hand on my shoulder as he said "you don't need to do this if you can't"
I said "I'm good"
Shaun nodded as he walked away. I put Arthur on a chair as all the students were looking at me, I could see that they had all kinds of thoughts inside their heads. I said as I looked at their faces "hello everyone, are you ready for the physics class?"
They all said "yes, Mister Gabriel"
The class was normal they were just avoiding to ask any questions, I would've done the same if I was in their place, I don't blame them.
It kept going like that for a couple of weeks, until one day the mask I was wearing decided to go off on it's own, Elijah was in that class so I asked him to look after Arthur while I went to the toilet. I just stood in front of the mirror, and I punched it as I screamed, but I heard a Gasp, it was someone who didn't expect to have visitors. I knocked on the door from where the voice was from. I heard a student I know say "I'm here"
I asked calmly "why are you in the teachers' restrooms Anthony?"
He got out and said "because it's cleaner"
I could see that he's hiding a razor blade in his hand, I looked at it enough to make him notice that I noticed, and I looked back at him as I said "meet me at lunch time"
I got back to the class after I wiped the blood from my hands and when the lunch break came I looked for Anthony, he's sitting with his friends, so, I went to him and I stood in front of the table he and his friends were sitting on and I said "is it okay if I have a moment alone with Anthony?"
They all went to sit somewhere else, and I kept staring at his eyes, waiting for him to break, he kept looking at me and looking away, and he finally said trying to stop me from breaking him "what do you want from me?"
I pulled his left hand and rolled up his left sleeve and looked at his wrist and then looked him in the eye, he pulled his arm away fast as he looked away, I could see horizontal cuts were done on his arm.
I asked him "why are you doing this?"
He said with a disgusted look on his face "and you care?"
I sighed and said with a numb tone "the truth is, I don't, I'm just wondering, why would someone that has a perfect life hurt himself like that?"
He said opening his eyes widely "what is the perfect life like to you? Is it having no siblings? Or is it being fat and having to deal with your friends make jokes about it? Because you know damn well, that no one else other than them would want to be your friend. I know your wife died and all, but I don't care, because someone with my body will never be looked at normally if he asks a girl out, so, would you kindly leave me alone, because not everyone is always the hottest person in the room like you!"
You know when someone says something, and you realize for the first time that no one is really happy, there's always this small problem that makes life harder, nearly unbearable. So I thought for a couple of seconds, I mean, even though I don't really care, he's responsible for his own actions, I couldn't not help him, so I said "if I make you lose the fat you have, and turn your body to be muscular, would you not hurt yourself again?"
He said "and if you couldn't you'd leave me alone?"
Putting my hand in front of him saying "fine, do we have a deal?"
As someone who works his body out every day, I wouldn't mind to have someone to work out with, his parents agreed that he would come to my house, and so he did, for seven months, every time he would look at the mirror and find his muscles are appearing he would have more energy to work out, after those seven months he thanked me, and he said "I'm not going to work out with you anymore, you've helped me enough, and I'm sorry for talking about your wife that way"
You know when you feel that someone is mature from how they act? I felt that way towards Anthony, winning on his insecurities stopped him from caring. Weirdly enough, when I asked him about having a girlfriend, he said "they're just girls, Mister Gabriel"
He definitely grew. By that time Arthur was old enough to say stuff like food, and every time he'd say the word "dada"
I would chuckle and pull him towards me. And I would go to Anastasia's grave every day with him with me, I stopped taking him with me after a while because it's what Anastasia wanted. The reason I talked to you in the first place wasn't that or anything I said, it's because of Elijah. Two months ago, he stopped coming to school and he never missed a day. When I went to check on him, his mother let me up to his room. The first thing I said to him "why didn't you come today?"
He said with an arrogant tone "listen man! I don't think I will be coming to school again"
I sighed, because I already knew what he's up to. I said "let me guess, you found a way to make money and that way is illegal, it's basically a gang, and you're so happy with the money you made that you couldn't hide it well enough?"
He looked at the money and put it under his pillow as he said "how did you know? Did someone tell you?"
I said "you're not the only person who was eighteen in this room, and of course I don't mean Arthur, so don't look at him"
Elijah said "look man, not everyone has a good life like you, and just working and going to college, doesn't mean I will have a good life, it means I might have a chance to get a good life, and as you once told me, a possibility is never certain, but it's sometimes possible"
I sighed and I closed my eyes and opened them again, and then I said "why do you want to destroy your life?"
He said "both of us know, it's rare that they choose a black guy over a white guy, and white guys exist more than black guys in America that's according to my information"
I asked him "do you like technology?"
He asked "what does that have to do with anything?"
I said "fucking answer me!"
He said "yes, I like it, but why?"
I said "if you study well and pass your education, I will guarantee you, a job at E.G"
He said "the E.G?"
I said "yes, given from the guy that owns it himself!"
He said "Liar!"
I said challenging him "if I take you to meet him, would you follow my orders and do as I say?"
He agreed. The next day after school, I found out where Elliott lives, and I took Elijah there, he lived in California, Los Angeles to be specific. You know these very fancy places where rich assholes live? That's where he was. Elijah kept looking around as if he saw the most beautiful place he ever saw, we were walking to Elliott's house as he said "Mister Gabriel, how do you know Elliott Evans exactly?"
I looked at him and smiled. When we got to Elliott's house we found a guard, I said to him "Can you please tell Elliott, Gabriel who gave you a billion dollars is here!"
Elijah looked at me not knowing if that's a secret code or if I'm actually talking seriously. The door was opened, and I was let inside the house, and we sat on the couch. Elliott came in and he laughed saying "I will be damned, it is really you!"
I said "yes, it is really me"
He said "why do you have two kids with you? You know I can give you your money back if you want"
I said "fuck you and your money, I have more money than your whole company"
He raised his hands and said "alright, alright, my bad, so what do you want?"
I said to Elliott "this is Elijah, and he would like from you to confirm to him that you have a place for him to work in your company, with a beefy paycheck"
Elliott hugged Elijah as he said "you're a very lucky kid you know?"
And then he looked at me and said "anything for you, this company wouldn't have existed if it wasn't for you, but is that really all you want?"
I said "yes"
And then I walked away with Arthur and Elijah, and Elijah's mouth was opened all the way until we got outside of the house. He said "what kind of secrets do you have Mister Gabriel?"
I smiled at his face as I said "I have a lot of secrets kiddo"
After I made him happy, it was time for the real talk, I bought a video Camera, and I repaid the guy that Elijah stole with double, so that he wouldn't testify against him under any circumstances, and it was time to get rid of the guys who were manipulating the kid, and no, I didn't kill them. They were planning to rob a house, and put Elijah in the front with them so that if they get caught, it's Elijah's ass on the line, they're going to come take him in the middle of the school day, or so they thought, I asked Elijah to be with me to look through the window and tell me when he sees them approaching the school, and that's when he's supposed to start filming with the camera from a distance. They're stupid as expected, they drove a car that says "arrest me, I do illegal stuff"
It didn't say it directly, but no ordinary working person can get a car like this from working from eight to four, and they were white, with tattoos all over their bodies. As I saw them get out of the car I gave Elijah the sign to start filming, and I made Shaun take care of Arthur since he's in the class right next to me, when he asked "where are you going?"
I said "look through the window, and remember your Yakuza night"
I stopped them before they got on the pavement of the school-grounds, and I said "you three have weapons and one of you has a firing weapon, I can't let you on the school grounds"
The one who has the pistol said "we don't wanna step any step closer to this shithole, we want Elijah"
I said "and he does not want to come, so, I kindly ask you to leave, or you might face trouble"
He laughed as he said mocking me "trouble? Can you believe this Jesus lookin' fella?"
I understand why he said that, it's because of, my hair and the beard I had. I said "if you take any step further I won't hesitate to use force, especially against you"
And I pointed at the one with the gun. One of them said as he got out a knife "fuck this bullshit, I always wanted to stab a teacher, they always think they're so much better than everyone"
See, when he opened the knife I knew he was an actual idiot. The knife he's holding is called a butterfly knife, and this knife is usually used by people who want to show off, or people who're hardcore and willing to hurt someone, and you never open that knife with two hands, and that's what he did, he opened a butterfly knife with two hands. I didn't wait for him to make the first move to stab me, the moment his foot stepped on the pavement his face was kissing my knee, and that was one of them down, the one with the pistol was getting the pistol out, so I gave him a front kick as I took the pistol away from his hand and I got the bullets out and let them fall on the ground on the ground and I threw the pistol away, the third one was easiest, he used his bare hands, and he tried to punch a straight punch, and he's the one who suffered the most, I broke his arm, his bones cracked between my elbows, and he fell on the ground crying from the pain. The one that I gave a front kick, stood up and said "who the fuck do you think you are?"
And he rushed at me the same way a raging bull does, I never thought I would use wrestling since it's my least favorite martial art, it's full of body contact and I like to keep that to the minimum amount. I dodged him and I became behind him, and I did what's called a five points throw, or as I like to call it, the rainbow throw, it's where you make a rainbow shape with the opponent as his back hits the ground. They're all down on the ground I looked up at Shaun and I made a phone sign with my hand as I said with my lips "call the cops"
I saw him nod with his head, I picked the bullets up from the ground, and I left them in their pain on the ground as I went back to my class and got Arthur, Arthur raised both his hands as he said "daddy win!"
I realized that all the students were watching from the windows, so they all yelled "Mister Gabriel won!"
I kissed Arthur's forehead as I looked at the students waiting for me in the hallway and said "now, do your promise to tell me if you're having any kind of trouble?"
They all yelled "yeah"
I was about to say something to Robert but he slapped my face a gentle slap as he said "nice job, son"
And the police came and it became just like any usual school day and the men were arrested because when I paid the guy I paid him to testify against them in court, and when I was summoned I showed them the video of how they attacked me and I defended myself, and I was let go. But that still isn't the reason I talked to you in the first place a week after the incident, just like any class when I said class dismissed they all went out and I gathered my stuff, but one student stayed, his name is Tobias. I asked him "why are you still here Tobias?"
You know when you feel that someone changed by how their eyes look? That's how I felt, he stayed silent for a couple of seconds as I looked at him in confusion and then he said "can I ask you something Mister Gabriel?"
I said giving him a confused look "sure?"
He said with a numb voice "have you ever killed anyone before?"
The confusion was wiped out of my face, I gave him the same look and said with the same numb tone "Why would you ask something like that?"
He smiled and looked at the ground as he said walking out of the class "so we're alike as I thought"
You know when you always have knowledge for everything, but you reach a point where you say in your brain "what was that? I cannot understand anything from that situation"
The same day I went to his house and as all the parents know now from the news who I am, they let him come to my house thinking it's for school, all the way he had this annoying smile on his face, before we entered the house I asked to search him, and he agreed, he had nothing on him. When we got inside the house, I put Arthur in his room to play and I went back down to find him waiting for me at the couch, I sat in front of him and I said "what are you up to?"
He said "if I tell you my secret, would you tell me yours?"
I said "alright then, talk"
He said "I need your word, and you didn't give me your word"
I said "you have my word I will tell you my secret"
It sounded silly, saying your secret and my secret. He said "your child is in the house right? Arthur?"
I asked "yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"
He said "I'm a psychopath, if someone tied you up and took your kid to make him into burgers, I wouldn't move a finger to try and help him. I would actually be interested to watch that happen"
I looked at him and asked "have you killed anyone before?"
He said "I asked that question first"
I knew that if I said anything it wouldn't have mattered since I already searched him for anything that would record me, so I said "I'm the executioner"
He laughed as he said "liar!"
I asked him "why would you think that?"
He said "because the last kill was done by him, it was done upstate I saw you at school at the time of it"
I said "it's because I didn't do that one"
Tobias said with confusion on his face "and how are you the executioner then?"
I smiled a cocky smile as I said "I'm not an executioner, I am the executioner"
Tobias looked more confused as he said "what?"
I smiled as I asked him "now that we traded secrets, I would like you to tell me one more secret. Did you kill anyone?"
I took a step closer to him as I smiled, he looked with the same smile as he said "I didn't yet, but now that I know we're alike, you must help me"
I said "we're nothing alike, you're a psychopath, and I'm not, case closed"
He said "so you reached a point where you convinced yourself that you actually have feelings?"
I sat back down as I said "just because I used to kill people, I'm a psychopath? I know what I am, and I know what I'm not, and I am no psychopath"
Tobias asked "haven't you wondered once, what if you were?"
I said with a firm numb voice "I am not"
He said "how do you explain all these killing then? And what do you mean by used to kill people?"
I said "listen kiddo, I don't need to explain anything to you, and a killer is something I once was"
Tobias said "but there are so many gaps in what you're saying"
I said "then go fill those gaps yourself. You think you're too smart and no one is above you, you'll keep thinking that until something fucks the shit out of you"
He said "and then what?"
I said "and then you'll realize that there's no meaning from all of it"
He said raising his eyebrows "you know if I have to fill the gaps myself, I might kill an innocent"
I stood up as I said "then I will have to kill you first"
He said "then teach me, and I will do it your way!"
I said "and why do you want to kill people that much?"
He yelled "because I cannot feel anything, maybe doing this, will feel like something"
I said "and why are you asking me for help? Aren't you so smart? Actually why did you suspect that I might be a killer in the first place?"
Tobias said "the way you've been acting, it's the fakest act I've ever seen. Did you even see your smile? Or the way you fought with them? That's not just anything, that's a machine"
I sighed as I looked at the ground and said "as a psychopath you might not know how this feels, but I lost my wife, and as matter of fact, I did have feelings towards her. Something that you know nothing about"
He said "you're delusional"
I said shutting him up "yes, I am all that, now would you tell me, what do you want from me?"
He said "I already told you, I want you to teach me"
I said "what do you want me to teach you? I'm a physics teacher, not a killing teacher"
Tobias said "give me tests then, I just want to be like you!"
You know when you have things in you and you get the chance to talk about it, you just use that chance, even if you already did tell someone before, I used that chance, but in an indirect way. I looked him in the eye as I said "to be like me, you must have a shitty family, and live in a poor place, and you don't have that, and to be like me, you must have the curse of a memory that never forgets anything, and you don't have that, but if we skip that, you're going to have to be a rich millionaire from gambling with legal money, and then travel to the middle-east and fall in love with an eastern dancer, and see her body mutated after she got raped, and after that, you don't go home, you stay underground for six years with the sunlight being close non-existent, and they have to give you enough food to build your body as they rape you and torture you, and terrorize you, and only then you go home, and fall in love and marry someone who dies in less than ten years, and you watch them because you can't do anything about it"
His face was confused as he said "you know I don't care about your pain right?"
I sighed as I said "your first test, is to love someone"
He opened his eyes widely as he said "which part of (no feelings or emotions) do you not get?"
I said "that's why it's a test, because you must be able to sound and be a normal human being for suspicions to not be at you from the first glimpse"
He nodded with his head as he said "fine then"
I took him back to his house and I smiled at his parents' faces. While we were walking back home Arthur said "daddy?"
I smiled and said "yes, Arthur?"
Arthur said "ice-cream?"
I bent my knees to look him the eyes as I said "do you want me to eat ice-cream too with you?"
Arthur said "yeah"
I asked him to kiss me on the cheeks and so he did, and one minute later he asked if he could sit on my shoulders, and I said "alright"
We walked to an ice-cream shop and he sat on my shoulders the entire way back home. I just love this kid to a point I can't even explain, his happiness means the world to me, if anything ever happens to him, I don't know if I will be able to take it this time."