The Diary Of Gabriel

No more walls

Am I sad? Am I happy? Maybe? I don't know? Well who knows? I don't believe it's me. Yes, I am still alive, after the last time I talked with you, I went to Isaac's house to find him yelling at me "what the fuck did you just do back there"
I said "it's what I did and it's only my head on the line, so stop yelling and start searching with me for the other two that ran away"
He said "they could be anywhere! How am I supposed to find them?"
I said "you know who they are, and you knew it was a rape case and you didn't tell me. So, shut the fuck up now and just call every cop and someone you know on this shitty network, and tell them to notify you if they saw one of these fuckers"
He said "fine I will do what I can you just go home and get some sleep"
I said "I can't go home now. I'm staying with you"
He said rolling his eyes "absolutely fucking amazing, my biggest fear is in the same house where I live"
I said "I will sit down in silence I won't do anything"
He said "oh! That makes it better, a silent psychopath, who wouldn't love to have that"
I said "I'm not a psychopath, psychopaths do not have emotions at all"
He said "are you listening to yourself? You sound like you died seven times before"
I said "just do your job and quit analyzing me you gay fuck"
He said "how did you know exactly? And why do you think that's an insult?"
I said "I don't have time for this and I wouldn't have looked for an insult if you weren't so annoying"
He said "you're so weird"
I looked at him and I didn't reply because I knew that replying would make him talk again. I just lied down on the couch and I saw him do a lot of phone calls, and when I say a lot I mean he made two hundred and seven calls. After he finished he said "are you happy now? Go home"
I said "no, I'm staying here until I find where they are"
He said "at least talk, don't just sit down"
I said "I don't feel like talking"
He said aggressively "this is my house and I have the right to kick you out whenever I want to!"
I looked at him and then I looked at the ground as I sighed and said "have you ever been in this situation, where you got fucked too many times, and someone calls you a psychopaths for not showing your emotions after losing the one person that actually unintentionally prevented you from killing yourself by loving you, and you just love them in a way that cannot be described, but you can't really confess your love because you're just scared, but then all of a sudden this person will know everything you've been hiding all along, and they've been fucked just like you were fucked, and that's before they know that truth?"
He said "is it this girl that you didn't kill?"
I said "no, it's your mom. Of course it's the girl"
He said "you know you're not the only one that was fucked by the world when they were younger"
I said "well then, talk, this is your house and you have the right to kick me out whenever you want, sir"
He said "I'm going to talk just like you did because it sounded like a good way to speak. Have you ever been born as an Asian kid, and everyone in school uses the "Ching Chong" word whenever you're around, and the girls never liked you, because they either wanted the blonde guys or the normal white guys, but you didn't even care because you never liked girls anyways, but oh well, boys didn't like you as a friend either, and..."
I heard the ringing of where I'm going, Isaac picked up and all he said was "yes... yes... Detroit? Thank you for your help"
All that was in my head was "why the fuck did they go to Detroit, they had the entire continent, Mexico was fucking closer than this shit called Detroit"
I said "thanks for your help I will grant you your wishes now and leave"
He said "don't thank me, thank the Marshal, he's the one that gave me the list of people in the network in America, and he's the one that told me to never use this list unless you ask"
I didn't say anything I just nodded with my head and I got my stuff and got out through the door, I filled the gas tank and I raced the wind to Detroit, I knew where they were in Detroit, Isaac gave me a piece of paper with the address written on it, and it's not that far from my family house, and when I say my family house I mean the new house that they bought, and I knew that by an accident. I was walking to the place, and it was night, and I ran into someone I barely even knew, it was this girl called Sara, she was in the same class with me and I barely talked to her. She looked at my face and said "Gabriel? Is that you?"
I smiled as I said "Sara?"
She said "where have you been all this time, some rumors said that you died and others said that you joined the mafia"
I said "no, I'm okay I was just in California, but wondering where my family is? Because I didn't get the address right"
She said "here's the address"
And she wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to me, and she said "Rebecca is in California too you know?"
I said "good for her, thank you, I must go now"
We both walked away, and my mind was just bursting with thoughts that I never thought I would have again, but I noticed that the address Sara gave me wasn't our old address, it was in the rich neighborhood, I kept having thoughts on visiting them but decided not to at the end.
In my opinion, I didn't want to make a big fuss with the death of the rapists and I found the perfect opportunity, they left the food to cook by itself, and so I sneaked in and poisoned everything that was in the kitchen, and I waited and watched them through the window eating it and dying, and then I sneaked back in to make sure that they were dead, and they were. And there I was back in California. I stood in front of the apartment for a couple of minutes before opening the door, and I opened the door only to feel good knowing that she didn't leave, because all her stuff stood like statues there. I knocked on her door because it was closed.
I could hear her say "who is this?"
I said "it's me, Gabriel"
She opened the door and went to sit on her bed and I saw you beside her, also known as my notebook.
I asked her "have you reported the police?"
She nodded with her head meaning no. I asked her pointing at you "did you read it?"
She said "yes"
I said suddenly "you can kill me if you want to, and I would call someone to clean up after you do"
She yelled at me "why does anyone have to die? Or you're just obsessed with death so much, that you just can't wait to try it?"
I said "you can't stop someone from doing what they want, but you can stop them from doing anything by killing them, and I just don't want to..."
She said "don't want what? Who put you as god to decide who lives and who dies, why do you think it's your job to do something like that? If you think you have the right to do something like that, then they have the right to do what they do"
I said "so I shouldn't have tried to save your parents?"
She said "I never said that what they do is right, but just because you do what they do for your twisted sense of justice, that doesn't make it better. Why not work with the police?"
I said "do you think that the police actually give a fuck, well, maybe a part of them do give two fucks, but the human law is made to be twisted Ana, that's why lawyers exist, actually, that's why every organization has it's lawyer, because this lawyer won't really say the bad stuff, he's just there to save their asses whenever they do something wrong"
She yelled "what is your law then!? Because from where I see it, you're making this into something personal, it's not just about giving them what they deserve, is it?"
I yelled crying "yes! Yes, it is fucking personal, and it's not just about giving them what they deserve, it's about me not wanting anyone to be in pain, like I was, and you of all people know what I've been through because you know my story, this curse of having this memory of mine is worse than anything, it controls me, every second I remember which was the time I felt helpless the most, or which hit hurt me the most, or which time my father abused my mother and she said that she was sorry, and she said that when she did fucking nothing, or every time I was overpowered by this bastard, and no one stood for me, maybe my sister would calm me, but she knew that her punishment would be harder because she was a girl, so she would just obey. You know when you just get burned and you forget about it after a couple of days? I don't, I remember how the pain felt, and it does not feel good Ana, it does not, that's why I do what I do, because it just hurts my guts to know that someone innocent out there who was just happy because he had his first kiss or because she had her first pay check, and they just get their life destroyed because of someone's twisted needs of hurting people, stop being a hypocrite because if you did feel that I'm guilty you would've reported me to the police"
She said with a weak sad voice "but..."
I said "but what Anastasia?"
She said "but what about the good memories, like the ones we had"
I said "it's a dot of light compared to the infinite damaged darkness that I have"
She said "so you admit that it did make a difference?"
I looked at the ground and I didn't say anything, I don't know why I did that, maybe because I didn't want to admit that she did make me better.
She said "you yourself said in your notebook that I made you into a better person"
I said "I can't be what you want me to be for you Ana, I'm just not made for it"
She yelled "who said that you're not made for it? No one did! No one fucking did Gabriel! Why do you just refuse to enjoy anything?"
I said "I just can't Ana..."
She yelled louder "and why the fuck can't you!?"
I yelled back at her "because I have the constant fear that everything I care for will be taken away from me, and I can't handle losing what I care for anymore"
She said "it's been what? Three? Four years? And you haven't lost me, what you have in your head are just delusions"
I said "but they're not..."
She started moving and looking in different directions while yelling as if she's having a breakdown. She started yelling and crying as she punched my shoulder every seven seconds "you just want to leave me, like everyone did, my biological parents left me to some random couple, even this random couple left me, and my high school friends left me, and every asshole I dated left me, and my recent roommate left me because of her dumb boyfriend, and now the fucking executioner is leaving me, the one that never leaves his victims, he's fucking leaving me"
I held both her arms restraining her movement just to calm her down. She looked at me with her eyes full of tears as she got closer to me.
You know when you reach a point that you just shut down your mind and it's you inside that body, no thinking, just you acting and not caring for the consequences.
As I felt her breath on my neck she whispered "you didn't back off, you're letting down your guards"
I whispered back "no more walls"
She grabbed my neck to make me lean down, so that she could kiss me. Her touch, it was just perfect. You know when something very intense is happening but it's just so slow and peaceful. After we kissed I could feel her hand grab the bottom of my shirt. So I held her hand and I asked her "are you sure you want to do this?"
She nodded with her head meaning "yes"
I let her take off my shirt as I saw her face, and she wasn't scared or frightened, somehow she was amused. She was about to touch one of the scars but then removed her hand and asked "does it hurt if I touch it?"
I nodded with my head meaning "no"
She started passing her fingers slowly on the scars and then she started kissing the places of the scars going up to my face. I knew that she didn't really know what to do after that. So, I had to start making moves. She was wearing buttoned pajamas, so, I looked her in the eye as I unbuttoned her top slowly, and I put my hand on her thigh as I asked "is that okay?"
She nodded meaning "yes"
I could feel that both our hearts were about to explode from how fast they were beating. If you're wondering, yes we did have sex, and I can say that I did stuff that I never thought I would do. For the first time, maybe not the first time, but I can't believe I'm saying it, I think I like making love with her, like it wasn't because we were horny or anything, it wasn't even about the sex, I didn't even use a condom, it was beautiful, the way she kept whispering in my ears and biting and kissing my neck, she didn't know what she was supposed to do, but she did what made her feel good, what made us feel good. After we finished we were just hugging each other naked, we covered ourselves with a blanket. Out of nowhere she just said "promise to never leave me, Gabriel"
I said "I promise I will try my best to not leave you because I can't control..."
She said laughing a small laugh as she passed her fingers through my hair "you're always just annoyingly honest right?"
I said "I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."
She said with her beautiful smile "I love you just the way you are, you're just perfect"
I tapped on her head as I smiled and said "quit talking now and just sleep peacefully"
She said as if she remembered something "oh, we can sleep under the bed if you want?"
I said "it's okay, I will try to sleep on the bed this time"
She kissed my chest as she said "I love you"
I kissed her forehead as I said "I love you more"
You're probably wondering what happens next. I will simply tell you, life goes on, to me, life is just perfect now, if that's the feeling of having someone care for you and love you, then I don't want to get enough of that feeling. It's been a week since that happened and we're discussing my killings every now and then, whenever I hold a newspaper, Ana would just hold my arms and take it away and say "it's enough, it's not your job anymore, someone else will do it. You've done enough to the world, now you're mine"
I am starting to think, I've actually done enough, because someone else is actually out there looking for a killer to execute. Yesterday for the first time she painted me naked, when I saw the painting, my scars looked like they were made out of gold.
When I asked her why she painted me that way, she said "it's the way I view you"
Every time my scars are mentioned around her, she makes it sound like I was worried about nothing, like they looked beautiful all along.
Since tomorrow is the day I Graduate College and become a physicist, I have a surprise for you, yes, you Ana I know you open my notebook to check if I'm hiding something, but all I'm hiding is just a chain of surprises to you, I will tell you about it tomorrow, you and this notebook are the only things making me happy really, I hope you like tomorrows surprise, see you later I guess, Mr. Notebook."