The Diary Of Gabriel

After the fuck, comes clarity

It's a nice city, but I haven't got out from the hotel room for 3 months since the idiots in Russia made a big atomic explosion, sometimes I just feel like god is telling me, no matter how much you try the world is going be shitty because I made it to be. It's annoying to see the amount of people destroyed because some asshole did a mistake or because apparently god is saying hey, and at the same it's annoying because if you don't believe in god you can't blame anyone else for it really... you know what, never mind I don't think a notebook would want to hear about human disasters. Lately I haven't been sleeping well I don't know what's the matter and I don't think it's physical I just feel like it's my mind or something, and I have been training every day to clear my head and with training I mean working my body to death because it turned into a habit. The one thing I feel good about is cooking, since this room's got a small kitchen I can cook as much as I want. The first week I got here I ate food from the street but then I decided not to go outside, so I had to cook for myself, in the first day I decided to cook some ingredients weren't in that small kitchen, so I opened the door and I stopped the first room services man who passed and gave him a paper with the things I needed and I gave him just the right amount of money, he was waiting for a tip and I knew that, so when he got back with everything I gave him forty schillings, his face glowed even though it wasn't that much to me. I did that for a couple of days in a row and then I didn't need anything else so I cooked with what I had, but I heard him walking past my room and waiting for five minutes in front of my door in the usual time I opened it looking for him. Apparently that tip meant something for him, I respected that about him. He's an honest worker. The day I would open the door he would just seem happy. But enough about that guy. I don't know why but I have been more focused on people lately, more than I already am. I would just open the television and analyze random people on different channels and assume that whatever I say is right, for example the news lady, the way she talks, she doesn't really like her job but her appearance screams "I want to be recognized" As if she wanted to become an actress but ended up being someone who just talks about other important people and events, it's quite depressing when you think about it, and she probably has kids and that's the reason she's stuck with that job because she doesn't want to lose her stable income. Anyways I don't think any of that is really interesting to you but today I will go to a bar for the first time in forever and I will try my luck to find someone to have sex with... don't look at me, everyone have got needs and I'm just human. I guess I will talk to you tonight after I do some stuff, which I already told you what these stuff are.
I don't think I will ever have sex again after today, or even take my shirt off in front of anyone. So as I told you, I went to a bar, it was something around the corner not too fancy, actually not even fancy it was just for regulars who were old men and some couples. I sat on the counter, only to see that the bartender/owner is fucking huge in height, she's almost as tall as Badr, no one really looked at her weirdly that's how I knew they were regulars. I waved my hand to get her attention and said "a big glass of milk"
She looked at me as if I said I am a three thousand year old dragon, so
I said rolling my eyes "anything, just pour me anything and a glass of water with it"
After four minutes of taking sips from the water, the bartender came to me and said "What kind of a man goes to a bar and doesn't drink his drink"
I said smiling a small smile "what kind of a bar doesn't have milk"
She smiled back with the same exact smile and said "I never said we don't have milk you rushed into assumptions, now answer my question"
I said "a man who doesn't like poison inside his body and likes a clear head... and looking for sex not drinks"
She said wondering "but you're not flirting?"
I said "I would be a crazy man to flirt with the hot bartender who's attracted to females"
She said "now that's a big assumption to make"
I said "that's no assumption that's a deduction"
She said as if she's interested "what's your name?"
I said "Gabriel"
She leaned over the counter to me and said whispering as if she didn't want anyone to hear her "how did the broken angel get his revenge after six years?"
I moved my head back a little confused out, but then I realized that this might be a code to recognize me since I haven't been seen for five years. I said "he broke the bitch's skull with a hammer"
She started stuttering as she said "you're the one?"
I said "fuck I wasn't planning on meeting one that quick"
She said "but how am I to know you're not just a new recruit messing with me"
I said "what did they tell you about me"
She said "they never really announced your real name, they only referred to you as the broken angel"
I said "and what made you think I would be that broken angel"
She said "I didn't, I assumed you would be a recruit because we use some information that only us know and just say it, that's how we recognize one another"
I said "so there are no legends about me right?"
She said "but there are"
I said "well, enlighten me please"
She said "they say you can fight more than ten men at once without being touched a single time"
I said "keep going that's interesting"
She said "they say you learn faster than anyone who walked the earth, and that you're so smart you can notice things people cannot notice about themselves, and you're like a scientist when it comes to equations and these stuff"
I said trying to end the subject "alright"
She said "what do you mean alright? Prove it! Do something!"
I said "what do you want me to do? Go hit old people in your bar?"
She said "not that you idiot! I meant like tell me my life story without knowing me or something"
I said "you asked for it but promise not to cry or lose your nerves because I won't hesitate to hit you if you tried to attack"
She said "fine, fine, just go on do your magic"
I got off my chair and got out, she said "where are you going"
I ignored her and kept looking around that bar, at her doors, chairs, even the sign, and then I got back in and looked at her, I looked at how she reacted to me looking at her, and I said "turn around yourself"
After all that I asked her and said "are you ready to get destroyed mentally and emotionally by a stranger"
She nodded with her head meaning "go on"
I took a big breath and said "you've never really known your mother, she probably died when you were a kid, one possibility is that she died bringing you to this world, apparently your father was a sick fuck, so he probably raped you or tortured you and he made you keep it a secret for years until one moment you snapped. Yeah, fathers, tell me about them, this bar was his and you changed it's name after you got out of your jail for killing the old man, I would say they gave you two years because you were a minor and because you were pushed into doing that, and your girlfriend is what you call a recruit or a justice maker, I don't care, call it whatever you want to call it, and one more thing, your little love bird was a prostitute, she's the adventurous part of the relationship you're more of the block solid person, that's not because you're tall it's just who you are"
When I was being sarcastic my face didn't change, it's like mind didn't have the ability to change my expression
She looked shocked as she said "everything... it's true"
I said as if I'm getting bored which I was "oh well"
She said "but how did you figure all of this out"
I said "that's going to take a long time to explain"
She took the drink she poured me away and got me a glass of milk as she said "I have time, and so do you I believe"
I rubbed my eyes and looked at her for seven seconds and then took a sip from the milk, and I said "for you to be in this network thing, you must've gone through something at least, or killed someone, the way I figured that was your father the villain of this story, was the bar, since they were regulars and they were old, it must've been the family business, and the old name had left a mark on the sign barely seen but it's readable which is your father's name (Misha), and for the mother thing, it's just a feeling because someone has to be good or non-existent for the other to be shitty, it's kind of a rule for shitty parents. About the rape thing, when I looked at your body it's like you didn't like it or tried to avoid it mentally, and when I told you to turn around yourself you weren't confident at all in your steps, and you're not wearing like a nun so I can see some of your skin, your body is not hurt and it doesn't have any marks, and if he didn't cut you or burn you or do anything that leaves a mark, that leaves us to two conclusions, one of them he kept you trapped your whole life, and you eventually killed him, and that's unlikely because you would end up being mentally ill because that's how ordinary people end up in situations like these, and believe me you're not mentally ill, because I read a book about those who actually are and they're rather... let's day interesting, so yeah he raped you. You being lesbian? That's obvious since you have lipstick left from a kiss on your cheeks, and you tried to wipe it, but you couldn't do it completely, and because no one was hitting on you in that bar which is interesting because I bet a lot of men have weird fetishes for tall women like you. And I knew that she's was a prostitute and that she is adventurous by the way she looks, she's sitting right there in the corner she haven't got her eyes off of us since I started talking, and she's wearing the same lipstick on your cheeks, there you got it"
I drank the whole glass of milk as she was staring at me, she was a little angry, I brought back bad memories but oh well, she asked for it.
I said with a calm voice "listen I'm sorry, I may have took it too far, I'm just looking forward to have sex with anyone I mean any prostitute or an escort I don't know what you call it... I want to feel relaxed because these past years weren't easy for me as you may have known from the stories you hear"
She said with a voice that has a very small sad tone in it "it's ok you're human after all"
She walked away as if she was going to do something but then she stopped as if she wondered for second and then she looked back at me and said "you never asked for my name"
I looked at her for a couple of seconds and then I said "you know I basically know it since I already told you that you changed the bar name into your name, you're supposed to know that as a fact!"
She said "oh! Yeah! Sorry I forgot"
I mean, how am I supposed to react to this? After thinking about that moment I actually feel like this is the asshole in the sky reminding me that he blessed me with the curse of remembering everything. After a while of seeing her talk to some people she came back and asked for my hotel and room number so that when the girl comes she knows where to head, I left her five hundred schillings and left, I knew that it was too much, but oh well, I mean the amount of money I have, I don't think I will ever have a job again. Just so you know, I didn't want any intimate feelings or anything when I thought about a prostitute, I just wanted to have sex, reach an orgasm or ejaculate and just go back home, but apparently that's not what happened. The prostitute knocked on the door, it was night time, nearly midnight.
I let her in. She sat on the bed as she said "that's a fancy room"
I looked at her and I didn't really know what to say or do or how is this supposed to happen, and because she goes through this every day she just went straight ahead and said "money first and then we deal on what we're going to do"
I got her a thousand schillings and I gave it to her, I know it's too much but I just felt like doing that. She said as if she's putting rules "if you're giving me all of this just so you could hurt me or do some shit, I am not going to let you do that and you can shove the money up your ass!"
I said "I just want to have sex, just make it fast, and make me reach my orgasm"
She said "Alright then"
She started talking off her clothes and she looked at me and said "well? We're not going to do it clothed are we?"
I took off my shirt and before I started taking my pants off she looked as if she saw a monster, she threw the money on the floor and got dressed without a word and got out. I went to the bathroom mirror and I looked at my body for twelve hours, I just stood there not knowing anything, I didn't even sleep. Does it all matter? Why did it have to be me? I could've been a normal kid with the dream of getting married and having someone cook for me. Is it too much to ask god for peacefulness? Is he actually there? I kept thinking like that and the thoughts kept coming and going to the point that I started whispering them to myself in the mirror. I whispered "why are you like this? You're a fuckin freak. No one loves you and no one ever will. The world will be the same without you, thousands of people do what you do, you're not even close to special, you're nothing, a fucking no body. She wouldn't even look at your body"
My mind kept repeating thoughts like these until it stopped at "just end it and the world will be better" after thinking about it for an hour or so, I decided to do it I held a knife and I was about to cut my wrist open, right as the blade touched my skin, I heard a knock on the door, I opened, I didn't really know what to expect. I found the guy that brought me stuff, I knew that I was shirtless and my wrist was dripping a very small but seeable amount of blood because of the blade when it touched my skin and I didn't care, but I could see that he noticed the blood, but he noticed more the marks and burns on my body.
He said stuttering as if he doesn't know what to say "is everything okay?"
I looked at him and said nothing. He kept staring for half a minute and he said "can I come in"
I didn't know what to do so I moved away just curious to see what he's going to do. He sat on the bed and then he patted on the spot next to where he's sitting telling me with his body language to come sit beside him, and so I sat beside him and looked at the ground. He looked at me for a couple of seconds and then he said with a sweet looking smile on his face "you know, I have worked here for fifteen years, and you're the most generous person I have ever seen in those fifteen years. I am in my forties and I have never really fell in love or got married, the first day you sent me to buy you stuff, I had to go to the fancy bakery, the one that rich people eat from, just to get you the specific baguette you wanted, there, I met a woman that I fell in love with the moment I saw her smile, it was bright like the sun, and she even laughed a small laugh when I smiled back to her, every day after that day I would wait for you to send me there so that I could see her again, because I wouldn't really have any other reason to go to that bakery unless I was going to buy you stuff, yesterday I got my courage together and went to her and asked her on a date, and she said yes, and I came here to thank you because the date is tomorrow... and also thanks for the money you gave me. I don't know what's in your mind or what happened to you, because you look like you've been through a lot. I just want you to know that it would destroy me to know that a person like you killed himself"
I didn't know what to say really to be honest, but I was happy, I was happy for that man, I actually felt better, I looked at him and smiled and said "what are you planning to wear today or where are you eating"
He said "I don't really know yet but I have enough money to take her to a nice restaurant, and I have an old suite I could wear"
I said "are you taking a taxi or do you have a car"
He said "I was thinking we could walk there. Why are you asking all these questions?"
I looked at him and said "you're going to quit this job today"
He said "what?!"
I said "listen, I wasn't going to stay alive, but your pureness made me feel better, I don't I want to kill myself anymore, maybe I still do, but you saved my life in a way, now let me pay you back"
He said "okay, but tell me your plan first"
I asked "so when is that date exactly?"
He said "I will meet her at seven"
I said "perfect, first you're going to quit your job because you won't need it anymore, and we're going to buy you the best suite a man could wear, and then we're going to buy you a car and if you don't know how to drive I will put a driver to drive you, and then you're going to tell me where is the fanciest restaurant here"
He was shocked, it's not like you see someone who could buy a whole country everyday but he agreed and so it went as expected but I was the driver because he didn't know how to drive. She kissed him at the end of the date as she got out of the car to enter her house, the man was happy on a level that you almost never see. As I was driving to his new house he said "how am I going to pay you back for all that you did"
I looked at him and grinned and looked back on the road. I made him a bank account with enough money so that he can live a lifetime of happiness. I'm going to sleep now because tomorrow I'm flying back home, and not home as in Detroit, I mean home as in California, I think I'm going to a university to study physics on a higher scale, I will talk to you again when I'm back home."

As Arthur finished reading he hid the notebook again and cried, he cried because his father had all of this inside him but he never let it out, and he cried because he doesn't exist anymore