The Diary Of Gabriel

It will never be enough

He's gone now, I don't know what that was, but I don't believe it, today was the day Jonathan was born, Jonathan is my grandson. As the nurse took him from Arthur's arms and put him in mine, I felt the exact same feeling I had the when I held Arthur, but as I was holding Jonathan I heard a voice I never thought I would hear again. He said "he will probably grow up to be a shit like you are"
I heard that and I twitched with my head to look back and I heard him say again "you killed everyone, you don't want to kill your grandson too do you"
And this time I saw him standing in front of me, smiling a very annoying smile, it's my father. I was going to break but I acted as if I didn't hear anything and I gave Jonathan to Elena as I asked Arthur "do you see that"
And I pointed at my father, my father said "no matter how old you get, you're still too dumb, of course he doesn't, do you think he would've let me say what I said if he saw me or heard me?"
Arthur said "do I see what?"
I smiled as I said sarcastically "that's your life going away now, because it belongs to your son"
We all laughed, and my father said "so you're not going to talk to me?"
I didn't reply, when the day ended I went home, and Arthur stayed with Elena to look after her, and Liz stayed too, they asked me to go home because I have been too tired, and they weren't wrong I was screaming on the inside because of what I couldn't explain. I called one of those new taxis that you call by your phone, and as soon as I got in I closed the door because my father was following me silently, and I didn't want him to get inside with me, and right as I sat down, I found him sitting next to me in the back as he said "why are you trying to run away from me? I'm your father, I have feelings too you know"
He kept talking about bullshit and asking about Arthur, but I didn't reply for once, when the driver stopped at the destination I got out and I gave him a five stars rating because he didn't talk about my arm and he was silent all along the way. As I got in the house I finally had the ability to talk back to him without looking as if I'm talking to myself. To shut him up I said "hello father"
He said surprised "I never thought you'd talk to me"
I said "I'm talking now, explain, what are you?"
He said "I'm your father, what do you mean what am I?"
I said with a numb tone "I killed my own father, you're not him"
He said "well, it broke my heart when they told me that it was you, I thought we were coming on terms"
I said confused "who told you? What are you talking about?"
He said "I'm dead, in the afterlife they tell you how you actually died, so all of these patients dying from a misdiagnosing doctor, they know the doctor is the problem, so let's hope you didn't become a doctor, because then I wouldn't be the only person you killed"
I was terrified, I didn't know what to say, but the word "afterlife" caught my attention so I asked him "did you go to heaven or hell?"
He said "god forbid my tongue from speaking the truth about that and other stuff about the afterlife"
I said "so let's say you're actually a soul, or the ghost of my father, does that mean I can't touch you? Or the bigger question, why are you appearing to me"
He said "for the first question, why don't you try it? And for the second one, god has a plan for you"
The first thought that came to my head was "punch him"
And I did, I gave him the strongest punch that I ever gave to anyone, and it hurt him, he fell on the ground with his face full of blood, he put his nose and as he wiped the blood from his face it looked as if I didn't punch him at all, as he stood up again he said "son of a bitch! And I didn't believe them when they told me that you hate my guts!"
I yelled "fuck you! And fuck god!"
He said "what have I ever done to you to hate me? And be careful with what you say about god, son"
I yelled at him "what have you ever done to me? Are you fucking joking? And don't you even dare call me son!"
He said "I will let you have your time tonight, I will go away and come back in the morning when you wake up"
And he disappeared into nothing, and here I am talking to you. I never had that feeling that god is watching me, but now that I know he is, I feel more eager to know why the fuck he left us, I will be talking with you again real soon.

It's been two months since the last time I spoke with you, and he's gone for good now. I cannot believe that I'm saying this, but god had plans for me. My conversations with my father were interesting, because it's the first time I ever really confront him without being scared of the consequences. The day after he left me to sleep, I woke up to him standing next to my bed, he said "what is your job? Don't you work?"
I said walking to the bathroom not looking at him "I don't work anymore, I'm too old, and I have a lot of money"
He said "from what I'm seeing you seem like you're living a normal life, I don't see the money"
I said spitting the toothpaste out of my mouth "well, I'm not a materialistic son of a whore like you were... I mean are, you don't exist anymore it doesn't matter"
He said "isn't that the point of earth before the afterlife? Having a materialistic life and worshipping god to make you free after getting out of your physical body?"
I said breaking the eggs on the frying pan "that's your problem, you obeyed the rules without questioning anything, you didn't even give me an explanation on anything, and you just said "god said" and acted as if that's supposed to be enough of an answer"
He was going to speak but I said interrupting "actually I don't believe that in the rules that I learned in that church of yours that it was god's word to beat your kids and humiliate your wife"
He said "it was to teach you discipline!"
I said "what kind of discipline do you teach a grown lady by spitting the food on her? Or by making your older son beat your younger one?"
He said "if you followed my rules you wouldn't have been where you are now!"
I yelled hitting the food table with my fist "what do you know about where I am now? You know nothing, if you hadn't existed... I don't know the odds but my life wouldn't have been like that! So don't come out of nowhere from the assholes' heaven that you came from and act as if you know what I've been through"
he stood looking at me confused for seven seconds and then a very bright light came out of his eyes, I stood up and went away, it was scary to see that scene, right after the light went away from his eyes he kept taking steps back as he said terrified "please no, I can't take it, no,"
He collapsed on the floor as he was sweating and shaking in the fetus position, I said "whatever god did, you probably deserve it, for once he did something right"
I poured myself an ice cold glass of water and I went out to sit my usual sit on the porch watching the sun lighting the place, thirty minutes after, I was interested to know what happened to him, so I went back in before my daily workout, and I found him struggling to sit on the couch as he said stuttering "I know what you've been through"
I looked at him and I said "which thing exactly? I've been through a lot"
He said held my shirt from the chest area and he looked at me with terror in his eyes as he yelled "everything! I've seen what you've done and I felt what was done to you!"
And then he looked up as he said "he made me see it and feel it"
I kicked him a front kick as I said with a numb tone "good for you, now don't you dare touch me again!"
And I started my daily routine of working out, it's been less working out since my arm accident but it's a habit that I can't stop. My father kept following me everywhere I went looking helpless, I know I might sound cruel for saying this, but I enjoyed watching him suffer, it's been like that until yesterday, I sat on the couch and he sat beside me, so I said "what's your purpose here?"
He said with a broken tone "my soul is damaged and I don't know what my purpose is anymore, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you"
I said with a firm tone "I don't accept your apology, now go back to your god and never come back, and please don't forget to tell him that he failed creating you, you're not strong enough"
And so he stood up bending his head forward as he walked towards the ocean and as he got closer to the water he started fading away into nothing. A nothing was turned into nothing. And here I am telling you now about what happened, I will go to sleep now and talk to you again some other time."