My Yellow

The list. 17. Rose.

I climb up the ladder and enter the tree house. I smile, seeing Nicole and Makayla. "It hasn't changed much huh?" I look around at the wooden walls. There's posters of random movies hanging up, small fake plants everywhere and a small bookshelf. All collecting dust. I crawl and sit down by Nicole.

"It's cozy in here," Nicole reaches for a beer in front of her and hands it to me. "I really like it."

"My dad built it, when I was younger," Makayla leans back bit. "Oh also Rose, there's sleeping bags in the corner whenever you get tired."

"Ah thank you," I pop the beer bottle open. "Nicole did you eat anything at dinner?"

"I wasn't really hungry, but I had some chips," Nicole shifts a bit in her spot.

"You need more than just chips," Makayla tilts her head. "Want me to get you some fruit?"

"No," Nicole fiddles with the bottle in her hands. "Can I talk to you guys about something?"

"Of course," I nod. "What's up?"

"I feel like I'm slipping back into a bad spot yanno?" Nicole takes a drink. "I've struggled a lot with eating, and it's starting again."

"Do you know what's triggering it?" Makayla asks her.

"Stress maybe?" Nicole says and tilts her head back. "But I kinda just... wanna stop feeling like this."

"I don't know.." I take in a breath. "What's been stressing you?" I ask her, searching her face.

"A lot," she shuts her eyes. "Just everything I guess. My grandpa got sick, and... it was scary. But he's doing better now thank god," she opens her eyes and lifts her head up. "But it kinda made me spiral."

"I'm so sorry Nicole," Makayla frowns. "I'm glad he's doing better."

"Yeah me too," Nicole laughs weakly.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" I ask carefully.

"My dad normally facetimes me when I eat, and it helps," Nicole nods a bit.

"So if we eat with you, for meals, would that help?" Makayla sets her bottle aside.

"Yeah it probably would," Nicole smiles a little. "But you don't have to."

"No we want to, whatever helps you," I say, looking to Makayla. She's crawling to the entrance.

"I'm going to go make us some food, I'll be back," And with that, Makayla leaves the treehouse. I turn to Nicole.

"I'm really sorry about your grandpa," I whisper.

"It's okay, he's better now so I can breathe again. My grandpa is a close father figure to me. So it was scary," Nicole sighs.

"Im sure," I pause. "But I'm proud of you. You've gone through a lot and I know a lot of it is my fault," I laugh a little, then stop. "But you're doing really well. Not to mention, with everything going on for you, you're still here for us. Being a great friend," I nudge her shoulder.

"Thank you Rose," Nicole tucks hair behind her ear. "It means a lot. It really does."

"I mean every word," I lean my head back a bit.

"What's on your mind?" Nicole clears her throat. "I noticed a bit of tension with you and Theo."

"I don't know, it's just..." I groan and rub my eyes. "It's fine."

"Somethings on your mind, come on. Bonding time. Spill," Nicole nudges my shoulder.

"When I was on the phone with him before he came here, he pretty much said I'm not capable of being by myself. Like I could... unalive myself at any moment. It just rubbed me the wrong way."

"You are going through a lot," Nicole tilts her head. "He probably thought all this stress and the environment would maybe catch up to you. Think about it Rose... you attempted to take your own life and you didn't get any time to recover from it. No time to feel or process. You immediately had to jump into court and then Diana.." Nicole sighs. She's right. I never... grieved properly. For Diana or myself. My eyes gaze to the scar on my right arm. It's fully healed. Now just an ugly reminder of my breaking point. "And," Nicole places her hand on my scar. "That's a lot for one person. You need to take a second to focus on how fast everything moved, how you had a moment of seeing nothing but wanting a fast way out, then overcoming it."

"Nicole.." I feel my eyes start to swell with tears.

"You went through a lot in the past few months. I don't blame Theo for thinking that way. It was one event after another. John. Your attempt. Hospital. Diana. Coming to America," Nicole removes her hand. "How does everything make you feel?" I stare blankly at her.

"Like shit," the tears start going down my face. "Like absolute shit. And I can't help but feel all that happened was my fault. I didn't tell anyone about John calling me or texting me, when I should've. I.." I let out a breath of air. "I genuinely thought taking my own life was easier than facing him head on. I know now, it wasn't at all easier. I just wish," I shake my head and laugh a bit. "I just wish Diana knew that too."

"I'm sure she does now."

"That doesn't bring her back."

"I know it doesn't. But it's better late than never," Nicole shifts. "I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad it didn't work."

"Yeah," I whisper. "Me too."

"I'm serious Rose," Nicole whispers. "You would've missed out on so much."

"Missed out on this," I laugh. "On Diana."

"Well this isn't the best example," Nicole shakes her head. "But I mean.. in general. If it would've worked.. would John be locked up? Would you have made a closer friend out of Keeho and I?"

"Since when did you get all philosophical?" I smile at her. She smiles a bit.

"I can be smart when I want to be. But answer my question."

"No, he wouldn't be. And no I wouldn't have," I grab my bottle.

"Exactly. There are so many great things to come for you," Nicole leans her head back on the wall.

"There's great stuff coming for you too," I nod to her. "I'm sure of it." I hear a creaking at the side of the treehouse, then Makayla's head pops up. She climbs inside with a basket of food.

"Shall we eat? Then sleep?" Makayla asks sitting down.

"We shall," Nicole lifts her head up. "What did you make?"

"Some chopped fruit, there's some buttered noodles and some chips." Makayla hands us all a fork.

"Sounds good," I sit up straight, then look to Nicole and Makayla. I feel a smile spread across my face. I really am glad I'm still here. Even if life is still kicking my ass. Even if it gets hard. I'm glad I'm here and I couldn't have done this without them.

(AN: This chapter is dedicated to my internet family, without you guys I wouldn't be here. I'm so glad I'm still here, and that I could meet you all. I love y'all more than words can describe. Thank you for being with me through everything. Here's to a never ending crack head family. Cheers 🥂. )