Journal

4/8/20

4/8/20- Hello journal. Today has not been my day but I am hoping writing will help. I woke up this morning terrified. I had a bad dream that was a mix of the plot and characters from Friday the 13th and some trauma memories. I knew it was just a dream and that I was safe in my fort but it still kept me in bed for a little over an hour. I got up and danced which helped calm me down.

The big dog came downstairs with me this morning after breakfast. She did not like me working out so she attempted to lay on my mat, lay on me, stand on me, sit on me, scream at me, bite me, and lick my face. None of it worked for very long so she left. She keeps coming back in hopes that I will stop doing homework and play with her all day but sadly I had a lot to do today.

My boyfriend also tried stopping my workout. He called when I was halfway through so I took a break. He was really tired and grumpy and I was really energetic and that did not mix well. I know he cares and never means to hurt my feelings but that phone call was not fun. He is having a hard time with this quarantine though so I'm going to try stay positive and be calmer the next time we call so I do not annoy him. We used to call everyday but lately it has been once every couple days and I don't remember the last time it lasted over thirty minutes.

I finished my workout and I felt really good and accomplished. I changed and washed my face but I did not shower today because I was running late. How do you run late during a quarantine? No idea but somehow I managed to do it. It would not have mattered what time I started my school work if I wasn't learning spanish. I love learning the language but I do not like my teacher's way of teaching or the fact that I spend half of my day doing work just from that class. I spent half an hour on a quiz today because it kept saying my answers were wrong even though I tested every possible answer and checked the spelling ten times. I gave up after half an hour and turned in the quiz with a couple answers wrong.

I got ahead in Geometry though which felt nice. I am also getting ahead in English and plan to take a bit of time on Friday to get fully ahead so I have less to worry about next week. History went well too. There was not much to do and the stuff I did I enjoyed doing. I looked at art from the industrial revolution and it was calming because I love studying art. My brother has the same teacher and I'm pretty sure he has very different opinions on the assignments we have to do.

When I look back it seems like all of that should have taken no amount of time but I've spent about five or so hours doing school work today. That's still less than I would have to do in actual school and I do get to do it on my own time but it's still a long time to sit and stare at a computer. I am not very good at sitting down. My body jumps around almost as much as my thoughts do (which is obviously saying a lot). I guess I would rather sit in my room for five than in a classroom so I really shouldn't complain.

Let's talk more about yesterday. I went outside after writing and it was boiling hot and sunny. I went paddle boarding and eventually took the big dog out with me. It was going well because the current was making us sail pretty fast. The struggle was coming back against the current. It did not help when a speed boat passed us and didn't bother to slow down at all. They were not going that fast but the waves were still massive. We came really close to falling in but luckily we didn't. Falling in wouldnt be the worst thing for me because I am really experienced in cold water but it could have been deadly if it was someone else out on the lake.

After the water adventure I decided to take my rabbit outside. She loved it although she has really thick black fur so I'm sure she was melting the whole time. I grabbed a big stick from the yard and fenced with the big dog around the rabbits cage. It was all fun and games until she found out she could break the sticks. She also learned how to hit me with the sticks and continuously hit my thighs for the rest of the evening.

I want to go back outside today but I am feeling extremely tired today and I am still very shaken from my dream so leaving my room is not the easiest thing today. I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately and it has left me unable to leave my bed for many mornings. I have to assume it is from being home. It hasn't always been the safest here but recently it has been a bit safer than normal. I hope when I'm older and have my own house I feel safe. I hope the crippling nightmares and memories leave me alone.

I will be honest though and say that even though some of my past experiences have left me scared there have been some positive outcomes. I learned how to take care of myself and others from a young age. I learned to cope (or at least survive) with some of the negative things that occur. I've experienced a lot that most people around me havent had to experience (hopefully they never have to) which gives me a unique perspective. Recently I found out that I am not the only one here. It is scary not always being in control of what happens to the body I live in but it is nice knowing I have a family even if nobody else truly knows them,

To be clear I am talking about dissociative identity disorder. I do not have the resources to get diagnosed so I can't be 100% sure but I knew what it was before and I have done a lot of resources and I fit all criteria and my symptoms don't fit anything else. It's weird and it scares me to talk about sometimes because I know it has a lot of stigma around it. I am starting to feel really scared right now so I'm going to move on.

My favorite movie to call me down for the past couple of months has been the Princess and the Frog. For some reason it makes me feel really safe and calm. Maybe I can watch it after this so I can calm down. I also want to have a dance party because that helps me calm down. It will also help me warm up and calm down. Dancing and watching cartoons is what I call self care. I can also take a bubble bath tonight.

Sometimes I think I secretly am a four year old. I love cartoons, coloring, dinosaurs, bubble baths, and any sort of little kid food. You can not tell me that those baby yogurt puffs don't hit differently. I could eat yogurt puffs all day. It is very weird to think I turn sixteen on monday. What is my life?

That is enough babbling for the day. I need to get up and move before I lose my mind. I hope my entry today hasnt been too weird. I hit a lot of touchy subjects but the past is the past and I am not going to delete or rewrite anything I type here. I will see you tomorrow.