Journal

6/3/20

6/3/20- Good morning journal. I am really sad that I do not have much time with you left. But I am so happy that it is almost spring break. I am hoping now that we will not be having so many giant parties and constantly going out or having people over that I will get to spend a lot of time on the lake. Honestly second I am not working this summer I want to spend on the lake.

I miss swimming and jumping off of my boat like we did when we were little. I want to get back into that. Also swimming is the best exercise ever and if I can replace an hour of working out in my room with an hour of swimming I will be so happy. I also like being able to paddle board and fish with the big dog.

I hope there will be times where people are over though so I can play volleyball or run around and play like I used to. All high schoolers want to do now is sit on their phone and sun tan. Nobody likes swimming or running around playing sports. I hate it. I wish more people just played and had fun outside.

I hope my boyfriend likes playing outside. I know he likes to swim and fish but I do not know if he will like swimming as much as I do. I want him to be able to relax and just enjoy his time not spent doing chores but I also want him to do fun things with me. Hopefully he can come over sometime soon. He starts his military training soon though.

He has like a whole summer of workouts that he has to do. When I say workouts I mean workouts. He has to run with weights and a full uniform, he has intense body weight circuits, and some days he even has to swim. He will be so buff after this summer. I would love and hate that. I would love to be challenged and get stronger but that sounds like a lot. He tried reading me what he had to do each day and it took like an hour and I stopped him after the first week.

Hopefully he saves some energy for me. I feel like it is really hard to be too tired to swim. I can swim and run around for twelve hours and never feel tired. I take a couple food breaks but other than that I spend as much as I can outside playing. I am up for almost twenty four hours on the fourth of July. I might feel tired the next day but all day I feel amazing.

It is almost like as long as you are having fun your body forgets how hard it is working all day. I feel like I barely did anything yesterday but at the same time I lost a lot of weight. I had s'mores and everything. Yeah I worked out a bit in the morning but not that much.

Yesterday was amazing. I went outside and it was so hot that I just jumped in the lake and swam with the big dog. The dad and brother set up the weed roller after awhile and then we all went swimming. We wanted to go out on the boat but we decided to wait for the mom to get home. She ended up having to get ready to take the brother to trap and me and the dad sat and talked about our giant ass family.

We went inside and told the mom and brother we were going out on the boat. It was really hot but the storm was coming fast. It was one of those storms that were perfect for tornadoes. The cold and hot fronts mixed and created a marble sky. It was followed my solid grey though. I saw lightning as we were leaving the dock but we went anyways.

We drove around and were the only people outside let alone on the lake. We drove around and looked at the sky. There was a bolt of lightning at the beach that looked bright red. The clouds were flashing but not much lightning was dropping. All of the sudden the biggest bolt dropped down on top of this guys house. Nothing bad happened but it was enough to get us moving.

We dove off the boat and swam and it was amazing. We looked back at the boat though and it was floating away super quickly because of the wind. We had to swim for our lives to catch it. The second we got back to the dock it started raining. It did not stop us from running to the end of the dock and jumping in. I got close to the dock again and it started pouring.

It was amazing. I stood on the dock and let the rain just pelt me. There is nothing that feels better than swimming during a storm. I know it is dangerous but I have done it my whole life and nothing bad has ever happened. I never actually get scared of lightning but maybe it is an adrenaline rush. I personally just really love storms and I think combining it with my love for swimming makes it five thousand times better.

Even just watching the storm was awesome last night. It was so loud. It only lasted about two hours though and then it got bright and sunny again. Today is gonna be 85 and really humid but the dad wants to go outside and swim and fish. The mom works all day but as soon as me and the brother are done with school we will probably go out. I am gonna bring the paddle  board with me so I can go do whatever I want.

The dad also plans on taking out a grill and making hot dogs. Who knows though. Maybe he was too drunk and will not remember all the things he said we would do today. Or maybe he is too tired to do it. That would not surprise me. I really should not get my hopes up.

My one shoulder is still pretty burnt. It is less red but I bumped it so much yesterday and I was out in the sun so it still hurts just a bit. I plan on wearing a shirt that my alter Paisley cropped so that I am not fully covered up but my shoulder will not get more burnt. Hopefully my tan lines do not get too janky.

I need a new swimsuit so badly. I mean my bottoms are fine but I really want one that ties around my neck and back. Mine is more like a really cropped tank top. The straps are so big and weird and I do not really love how it looks. One that goes around my neck will feel more light and freeing. I was at the store the other day and I do not know why I did not just get a swimsuit.

Hopefully I can get one soon. I am really weird about my swimsuits. At least I have gotten a lot more confident. Bikinis make me dysphoric but at least it helps with dysmorphia. I am still losing weight which is nice but I think feeling more confident is a bigger glow up. I have lost about forty pounds now since the beginning of the year and I feel so much healthier.

But I notice that I smile more and am more willing to take pictures. I also used to put on an outfit and make sure I look okay and I would obsess over how I look in my clothes. I do not do that anymore. I like feeling better about myself. I feel like the true test will be seeing my boyfriend again.

I used to get really anxious about him touching me. I hated him putting his hands on my waist or touching my arms. He would touch my chin and it always freaked me out even though he really was not doing anything. Every time we hugged I struggled to stop thinking about how fat I was. He is a healthy weight but everywhere but his stomach is pretty much just muscle.

He looks very lean and that makes me panic sometimes. It is stupid to compare our bodies. Both of us are healthy and that is all that matters. He is also like seven inches taller than me. I weigh less than him but I look so much bigger just because I am shorter. I hate that but hopefully after this summer I will feel more comfortable around him.

I am over half way to where I want to be. I have less than thirty pounds to lose till I am where I want to be. I mean I might try to lose a bit more but considering the lowest weight I can be while still being healthy is like 120 pounds. I am not focused too much on end weight but 130 is my goal before I try to put on muscle. I want to get to a place where I feel really healthy and good before I try to put on more muscle. I really just want to be strong some day.

Swimming is more endurance than anything but I feel like it might also help me tone up a bit this summer. I was going somewhere with that but I am really dissociated all of the sudden. I think I might call it quits for the day. I wish I could have written more. The next two days will be a challenge to get me to 100 pages but oh well. I will see you tomorrow.