Journal

4/9/20

4/9/20- Hello Journal. The big dog is an attention whore. Yes you heard me right. She would not stop stepping on me and getting in my way when I worked out. She has been sitting on my feet while I have been doing homework. As we speak she has her head on my shoulder so she can watch me type. I have a feeling that part of the reason she loves me so much is because I share my food with her. I know it's not the best for her but she is normally underweight and she never gets sick from my food so it is fine.

Today has been as frustrating as yesterday. The dogs slowed down my workout (one threw up on my mat), I discovered my brother left a bag of meat out on the furnace room floor and it was rotting, and my stomach has been acting strange. The stomach issues can be explained by the fact that I stopped eating sugary things this year and lately the mom has been shoving sugar down my face and I have eaten more sugar the past couple of days than I have in the past couple of months. I have however managed to lose around a pound of weight which is nice. I've been eating more because I am trying to get over an eating disorder and it is nice knowing I am still healthily losing weight from exercise.

Speaking of exercise I have found new entertainment. I was doing homework and after twenty minutes sitting down was just too hard. I had to watch a video for a class so I decided to stand up and watch it. I started dancing around while watching it and the fact that I was having fun and being weird while learning about the industrial revolution was just hilarious to me. I find entertainment in the smallest of things and I am glad my own stupidity brings joy to my day.

Back to me complaining. I discovered that I do not have to do work on my birthday. It is nice because I don't have to do work but it is hell because now I have no excuse to avoid the parents. The mom has been non stop yelling about my birthday like she does every year. She makes me wish I was not born. She has also been yelling at the brother and then wondering why he acts the way he does. The brother has autism. He is very high functioning but he still has trouble dealing with stress and stuff around him. Our mom has not been helping.

I am aware things could be worse and I am grateful for the amazing things I do have. But I would rather give every nice thing I have up than continue living in this house. I can't wait to move out. I will never celebrate my birthday again and I will finally feel free to be me. It will be amazing and the dream of that is what keeps me going.

I am freezing cold right now. It is so cold in my basement but recently it has been extremely cold. Yesterday I typed this while sitting in bed wrapped in three blankets. Today I am typing at my desk but I am still wrapped in a blanket. I am even wearing my thermal socks today. I am hoping that when I am done with this I can spend some more time dancing to warm myself up. Maybe I can move a spare exercise bike we have downstairs closer to my room so I can use that to warm up. I do not care how I warm up at this point all I know is I hate being cold.

I didn't really get cold until recently. I have always been a really warm blooded person no matter what weight I was at it took me a lot to get cold. This year I was deer hunting and it made me so cold that I did not warm up for days. I had multiple thick layers and many heating packs and one time I burnt my hand on a heater but was too cold to notice but my dad smelt it and was like hey idiot move your hand. On my way home I still had five shirts on, the car was like 85 degrees, and I had a blanket and I was still trembling. The brother and mom were sweating and the dogs were panting and I felt bad but I was so cold. It took a couple days after that to warm up but ever since I have been getting cold a lot.

You would think since I am a bit overweight that my body fat would keep me warm but it does not. Losing around thirty pounds so far this year has probably not helped either. But that is okay because I know summer is coming and normally it is very warm in the summer so I won't have to be cold then. I am hoping I am more comfortable with myself this summer so I dont hide like I normally do. I have been feeling pretty good lately and I still have around two months until I can go out and swim everyday and that is a lot of time to make some more progress.

This is the year I get my shit together. Not gonna lie, the pandemic has not been making it easy but I have been doing pretty well so far and I do not plan on letting it all slip again. I want to be confident and healthy and I want to know what life is like without crippling anxiety and depression. I hope I can also find something to help my chronic migraine because that is probably the most crippling. I am going to live my best life from now on and I do not ever want to go back to where I am now.

I think when this lockdown is over and I don't have to be as socially distant I can get new clothes. My pants don't really fit anymore and my shirts are just wayyy too big. I want to get some new clothes that I feel confident, safe, and comfortable in. Knowing the mom though she wont let that happen. She claims she wants me to be myself and that she thinks everyone should just be happy and live their life yet she never lets anyone do that. I finally started wearing boy clothes after I boycotted all the feminine stuff she got me and forced her to surrender. She still makes it hard to get that clothes though.

Speaking of the mom, guess who stole the big dog? She claims she spends too much time downstairs with me and that I kidnap her with treats. I do not bring her to my room; she either follows me here or she makes her way down whenever she feels like it. Sure I do feed her sometimes but I do it because she is cute. She took my best friend and locked her upstairs. The mom does not even like the big dog! After this I am going to have to rescue her.

What parent takes away their kids dog? I mean technically she is the dad and brothers dog but I am her best friend. We eat, sleep, swim, play, and hunt for squirrels together. I see nobody else doing that with her. They make her sleep in a cage! I love my own dog, I really do. But he is small, old, fat, and lazy. He does not swim or play like she does he just eats, sleeps, poops, pees, and barks. I love him but he is not my best friend.

I think that is all for today Journal. I need to go rescue my dog and bring her back to safety. Hopefully next time you hear from me she will be back in my room. Although I won't be back for four days and anything can happen then. I will see you Tuesday.