Journal

5/22/20

5/22/20- Good morning journal. I am feeling so much better today. I won't lie though today has been a bit confusing so far. The mom called last night and was surprised I was sleeping. I saw it was eight thirty and I was like oh my god I slept for like thirteen hours. That was not the case.

I realized half an hour later that it was not 9 in the morning but actually nine at night. I was so confused and out of it. I went back to sleep and when I woke up at four in the morning I was tripping. I was so awake because I slept so much but I was also tired and confused cause my brain was not with it.

I also struggled with my food. I made eggs after twenty minutes of walking around the kitchen and panicking. I then decided to make rice and broccoli for lunch. It took me like half an hour to make the rice and it still ended up bad. I said whatever I will eat it anyway. I also grabbed a carton of blueberries to eat.

I dropped the freaking blueberries. Half of my berries went all over the floor. At first the big dog was really confused and I was like come on eat the berries. She went full vacuum mode. She walked all around the kitchen licking up the blueberries. It was kinda funny to watch.

After I cleaned that up I went back downstairs. I took some nausea medicine and worked out. At first working out was a little hard but then it was so nice. It felt good to move my body again. I really liked it. I am hoping I do not have to take any more breaks in my 28 day challenge.

Math this morning was boring and I half did it. I know I should be taking it seriously but at the same time next week will be my last week of math (as long as I pass the last test) so I do not have much to do. I am pretty sure I will do good on this test.

English was nothing today because I got ahead yesterday. History was fine because I knew all the answers to the sheet I had to do and only needed to watch half of the 38 minute video. Spanish was annoying as always but it did not take long.

And now I am here. I have had a pretty mellow day. After this I think I will find some project to work on. I want to go outside but it's going to be cloudy and icky out all day. There will be thunderstorms all weekend though and I am so excited about that. My little cousin and aunt and uncle are coming over tomorrow though.

I just want to enjoy my storms in peace. I love my cousins I just can not stand my uncle. At least I still have Sunday to relax. I am really looking forward to my rain. I am not looking forward to being in the house with the dad. He is so rude.

He was on the phone with someone and cussing up a storm. He was not mad at that person I think he was channeling all his anger into happiness but it failed. The mom brought home some food yesterday and the brother asked if he wanted the last biscuit. He lost his shit. He started screaming about how he is hungry so he is eating all the food and the brother was like damn okay and walked away.

I went downstairs cause I did not want to deal with him. I went up later to get food because I did not eat the food she brought home and I knew I needed to eat something. He was still up but I really did need to eat. He just stared at me all pissy while I grabbed some rice chips.

He is so damn annoying. He takes all his anger out on us and then gets mad when we do not want to be around him. He wants to try and work this weekend and I am like for the love of everything holy please go to work. I hate having him home. I hate it.

His parents were supposed to come for the weekend because they have been quarantining and losing their minds. Bumpa recently had surgery on one knee and now the other knee is not doing well and my grandma is really weak. We were gonna take care of them for a couple of days. Now with my great aunt sick they decided not to come. I really miss them.

Bumpa normally calms down the dad. The dad loves loves loves Bumpa more than anything. My grandma love the dad but she really hates the way he treats us and sometimes it is nice having someone who actually listens to me. She takes me seriously. You can tell she really is sorry about all the stuff he does.

She is very mentally ill though. I miss her but part of me is glad I do not have to listen to her sob all the time. I relate to her and that scares me sometimes. I hate how mental illness runs in my family. I never even had a fighting chance.

She is still my grandma though and I love her. She has hurt me but at least with her I know she truly does not understand the consequences of her actions. She is a narcissist and she is not aware of that. It can be a little hard to deal with sometimes.

Damn that actually runs in my family. Hers is probably the worst because when you try to confront her she does not understand and she gets really upset. It sucks having scream matches but it almost makes it harder when she gets sad. I do not want to make her cry but I also do not want her to make other people cry.