Journal

5/14/20

5/14/20- Good morning journal. I am sorry we have been so out of it lately. I am starting this extra early in the morning so hopefully it will be better. I am not having the best day and writing has been helping a lot so I decided to drop everything else and write.

So far this week I have been getting up, eating, working out, and doing homework. Today I could not figure out what to eat. I ate a plain skinny bagel and enough cashews to make me sick. I keep eating foods I like in bigger quantities so that whenever I think about them I get sick. I do not know why I do that but I need to stop.

I do not feel physically capable of working out today so I am taking a one day break and then finishing my two week challenge. I felt icky yesterday too but I still did stuff. I think yesterday drained all the energy this body had left. Hopefully relaxing today will help.

We found out yesterday that the big dog has lymes disease. She has another tick disease too but they said she has such a healthy white blood cell count that it does not matter. The lymes disease might not be anything. We still have to get a urine sample and test it though because it could be serious.

My old dog (lets call her Red) had lymes disease. I came home one day and she was hiding under a chair and shaking. My dad said she was scared cause he yelled at her earlier but I have never seen her scared like that. She never stopped shaking. She could not walk or eat or drink. I did not leave her side for days.

I forced my parents to take her to the vet but it was too late. Her kidneys could not handle it and we had to put her down on valentines day two years ago. She was my best freaking friend. She truly was my emotional support dog. And now the big dog might be really sick too.

They say what happened to Red was rare. Even if the big dog had it that bad we probably caught it early enough to save her. But that is not a guarantee. I can not lose another best friend. I love her so much. I can not handle losing her. She is only two years old. Red was not even four when she passed away.

I know the odds are that she will be okay but I am so scared that she wont be. I can not stay locked up in this house without her. Every time I am upstairs and she is not by my side I freak out and have to ask where she is. I can not lose her.

Good news though is I am passing Geometry now. Yeva retook the standards. She googled everything. She aced it though so I am not mad. I can relax about school now so that is good. Actually I think I have a geometry quiz today but that should be easy. It should be a relaxed day.

I might see if my boyfriend will facetime me later. I hate not being able to see him. He called me yesterday morning for a little bit and it was really nice. I just want a hug. I can not stop crying. I just want everything to be okay again.

I wanna walk down the hallway at school and see his face light up when he sees me. I want to feel him hug me and hold me like he might not get to hug me ever again. I wanna see his face when I say something stupid and he can not help but sigh. I wanna see his face when I do a little dance and tell him how much I love him.

I want that back. I know it is for mine and everyone else's safety that people stay at a distance for a while but I hate it. I hate it so much. Things aren't okay. I need them to be okay. I need to be okay again.

I think I will just do my homework and then chill in bed all day. Maybe I can watch some happy videos or binge watch horror movies. I will probably take a hot bath. I can ask my boyfriend to send me a picture of him or ask if we can facetime or something. I can do a face mask. I can still have a good day.

I just need one solid day to relax. Maybe I will paint. Lets face it I probably will not be fronting for most of the day. I really just want to go inside and cuddle with my dog Samson and maybe hang out with some of the littles.

Hello. My name is Bear. I do not know what we are doing. I do not talk much anymore. I am a persecutor.

Okay hi it is Kas now. Bear fronted to try and numb the pain that Wybie was feeling but he realized that he did not like being out. He is a bit awkward. For a while everyone hated him and was scared of him. For a couple months last year he learned to be social and fell in love with art and cooking. He even had a boyfriend. Some trauma happened and now he is back to being a bit scary.

I think he is working on it though. He is a a good guy deep down. He adopted Sweetpea who is the most beloved child in our system. If he was not fit to take care of her then Colby would never have allowed it. He is doing his best.

I do not know how much we have talked about him before. His name is Bear because he switches between a human and a bear. He is either a giant black bear or a little baby brown bear. I do not know why he is a bear because he split off during deer hunting season. Actually there is a reason but it is kinda dark.

Anyway when he is a human he is ten feet tall. He is really pale and has some thick, decently curly black hair. He is toothpick skinny which is weird because he is always eating. The door to his apartment is really tall for when he is a human and really wide for when he is a bear. Sweetpea can not reach the doorknob so there is a step thing for when she needs it. Oh my god we have to make him a doggy door.

There can be a really tall and wide door so that when he is human he can still get in but the bottom is a doggy door. That way when he is a bear he does not have to struggle with opening the door and Sweetpea would not have to try to open the door. I am making that.

Maybe Wybie can watch Sweetpea and Boots and I can get Colby to help. I am sure Wybie and Colby's parents would not mind watching the kids either. Have we ever talked about their parents? Long story short Chief has always been Colbys dad but he has been in and out of dormancy. He came back and started dating a motherly alter and they decided to take care of both Colby and Wybie.

Not going to lie, I sense a wedding in the future. That would be pretty cool. That has never happened before. I wonder if all the alters would come. That would require going into a lot of creepy forests to talk to a lot of unhappy people. I am sure they would all come though. Even the grumpy persecutors.

The fictives might not come though because they are all pretty confused and spend all their time in their apartment building. My brother Azibo is the only one allowed in there for some reason. As long as they are happy I guess I really do not care.

For how much time I spend in the innerworld I seem to not know what is going on. I do not talk to many people. I guess maybe that is my fault. Maybe we can have one giant group meeting later just to see what everyone is up to. I think that is really needed at a time like this.

I know Wybie is hurting a lot so I guess the littles gotta be really upset too. Wybie spends a lot of time with them and when something upsets him it normally upsets them too. I heard that the big dog might be pretty sick so I am sure that is affecting a lot of them. We should really see how everyone is holding up.

I sound a lot more caring and in charge than normal. With Qp dormant because of the pandemic and Colby busy with his family it seems like I have become sort of the new boss. I do not like it but nothing very bad has happened yet so I guess I am doing okay. I have not burnt down the innerworld yet so I call that a victory.

I do not how much we have typed today but I hope I have typed a decent amount. I think I am going to call it a day and see if anyone else wants to come out and do school stuff. Maybe I can get Yeva to come out again because she is good at making sure things get done. We do not support cheating but I mean sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. We will see you tomorrow.