Journal

5/26/20

5/26/20- Good morning journal. The past couple days have been a bit wild. Fair warning I am feeling really nauseous again. I thought I was better but I definitely am not.

Lets start with talking about Sunday. My little cousins and uncle and aunt came over. I love my little cousins but my uncle is the biggest jerk. He pokes at you until you tell him off and then he throws a tantrum about how terrible you are because he could never do anything wrong. I hate him.

We went swimming at the sand bar because it is really shallow for the kids. The smallest one had a lot of fun but the older one was a little drama queen. She is so babied that she refuses to anything on her own. Her brother is two years younger than her and he can do pretty much everything by himself.

After awhile we decided to play frisbee. I did not know if my uncle was throwing the frisbee to me or the dad so I did not move I just stuck my hand out. He lost his mind and started calling me lazy. Even when I did move if I did not do the most dramatic dive possible then to him I did not do anything. He bitched about it alllllll night. When I told him off he threw himself a little piss party.

We were gonna take a break from frisbee to go walk over to some people we know to say high. The big dog has been in the water all day. Where we were there were no areas for her to stop and rest outside of the water. She did not want to rest because she was fishing and having the time of her life.

All of the sudden she started screaming and tried jumping on my little cousins floaty. I picked her up but she was flailing all over. We started bringing her to the boat but she was freaking out. She tried jumping in my arms again but she was freaking out so much I could not carry her. She also is 75 pounds now which is half my body weight so it is a bit harder to carry her around now.

We got her on the boat and she was just screaming bloody murder. We thought she cut her foot on glass or a broken shell. Maybe she even got a hook in her foot. There was no blood or anything. She had a really bad cramp in her leg. It was causing her whole body to freak out. The dad assessed the situation, the brother layed on top of her with a towel to try and warm her up and keep her still.

I held her head and tried to keep her still and calm her down. It worked but she was just so freaked out. We decided to go home and on the way she got up and went and layed on my cousins floaties. I am so glad she was okay.

We had dinner and played in the yard. My cousins found a water gun and was spraying everyone. I borrowed it and sprayed my brother. Which led to him tackling me and throwing me around the yard. He tried to hurt me by twisting and folding up my limbs. He was so shocked because I was laughing. It did not hurt. Then he picked me up and tossed me.

That one hurt a bit cause I slammed my leg on the ground. Everyone just stared at me like holy shit. They were like yo dummy do not break your brother. He was like chill he is so flexible I do not think you can. And I said it is okay because I am already broken. It was pretty fun just because I am small enough to throw me around.

My neighbor had a friend over and my cousin started shooting them with the water gun. She asked me for help and I chased them for so long. I probably ran a couple of miles. It was pretty fun. They eventually went and hid inside and the game ended.

Besides my uncle I did have a pretty great day. Yesterday was pretty good too. I did laundry but that was pretty much as productive as it got. Today is not the same. I could barely get myself up this morning. I am still so tired. I could not even bring myself to workout. I had dangola and doritos for breakfast because that was all I could think of eating.

I am hoping I start feeling better soon. I might take another couple days to just sleep and try to get myself feeling okay again. I want to start running again when it stops raining and being so humid out. Maybe I will just relax until then and then start working out and being productive. I don't know man I just do not want to be sick anymore.

I do not have too much to do today. But at the same time it feels like a lot. I am writing my outline for English and I might not finish it but at the same time it really is not gonna take any time. I get five extra credit points if I turn in my final paper by June 1st. Then I can get some extra points and have absolutely no English homework for the last week of school.

I have a review thing to do for geometry but I am hoping that it will not take long. History and Spanish will probably be the same old same old. I do have a meeting at 10-10:30 for LINK. I am not looking forward to it but at least it is only half an hour long. I have another one on Thursday though.

I also have a call with my therapist at two. I got hella calls to make today. At least I have stuff to keep me busy. Maybe in between homework and calls I can get up and move around or work on cleaning my room. I want to rest but I do not want to be completely lazy all day.

I have been really stressed lately about my name. I have been going by this name for the past three or four years. I love the name but I know people do not take it seriously and some people refuse to call me that. I want a name that people will take seriously. I kind of want to come out to my mom to see what she wants to call me.

I do not really care about her opinion or what she wants but I feel like having a name that she likes will make her more motivated to call me that. I should probably come out to my therapist first. Maybe I can get her opinion. But at the same time I really do not like her and I do not want to deal with her.

I have been asking a lot of people what they would think my name is if they did not know me and I have written down the results:

Ash, Alex, Oliver, Jake, Jace, Cameron, Jax, Zach, Elliot, Logan, Luke, Lukas, and more. Jake and Zach were easily the most popular. Jake is way too popular and I have a family member named Jake. I also do not like the name Zach very much. I love the name Oliver but it is my boyfriend's middle name.

I don't really want a name that starts with a J because both my birth name and the brothers name start with a J. At the same time though I think people would adjust to it quicker if it was a J. I would probably go by Jax or maybe Jason. I would use Jason cause it is a family name and a horror name.

I like The name Dorance though because it is the name of someone very important to me. It also shows my ancestry more. I am mostly German but my name does not reflect that. I also like the name George because it is a family name. It might be a little too old school though.

I love the names Toben/Toby and Milo. I do not think they suit me though. I want to save them for future kid names. The name Bane/Bain is nice but that is my D&D character. I really do not know. I texted my boyfriend for help but he never responded. I hope I figure it out soon.

I am starting to feel pretty sick so I think I will call it a day for now. I hope today was not too boring. There is only eight days left for me to write here. I can not believe the school year is almost over already. I will see you tomorrow.