Journal

4/29/20

4/29/20- Good morning journal. Yesterday was a really bad day so I am sorry if I seem a little out of it today. I just feel really tired and numb. I slept in a couple hours but I really just want to go back to bed.

Long story short, yesterday involved a lot of fighting. The dad grabbed me and pushed me over but he did not hit me. I was scared for my life and the moms safety. Luckily we are all alright. So far everyone is pretending it did not happen like they always do.

I talked to my boyfriend and he was gonna try and come pick me up tomorrow morning but his grandparents did not let him. His grandpa gave me a support group to contact. They work a lot with alcoholic family members and will keep records of what goes on in your house so that if things get really violent you can get out.

I used to think the dad stopped beating me like he used to because I got to big and I knew how to fight back. I now realize it is because I now know what abuse is. I can talk about it. I have a phone to call for help. He knows he can not get away with it like he used to.

I will get out of here though. Before quarantine I was going to get my license today. In Minnesota when you turn sixteen as long as you tell your parents where you are going and you are safe then authorities usually will not force you back. I was gonna get my license and take my car and go. I obviously can not do that anymore so I am stuck staying here.

I only have to make it one more year. If I do good enough in my college classes and get ahead next summer then I can take the Moorhead for my senior year. I will live on campus and do classes there. It is four hours away so it will be a lot safer there. After that I want to move in with my grandparents. They also live four hours away from here so it will also be safer.

I will get a job up there and work my ass off. I can help take care of my grandparents because they are getting old. I will cook and clean for them and do whatever chores they need me to do. All I really need is a floor to sleep on and a shower to use and I am good.

It will suck being hours away from my boyfriend. I will really really hate that. But I talked to him last night and he thought it was a good idea. I can still drive back to see him. We can still call. We would be okay.

He is gonna try staying here this summer and getting a job so that we have more of a chance of seeing each other. It sucks knowing that there's a chance we wont see each other for a couple more months. We could easily have been dating for a year before we see each other again. I hope I see him before September 19th. That is a whole other four months on top of the two months that we have not seen each other.

That is insane. Oh god I just want one hug from him. I just want to feel safe again for a bit. If his grandparents were not so high risk I probably would have found a way to get over there by now. I am soft for some love and affection right now. Its probably just because I am scared to be at home right now.

I will be okay though. I am always okay. I have survived sixteen years so how bad can it be? I will be fine. I will get out of here someday and I will make sure I always feel safe. I will make sure I only surround myself with people who always make me feel safe and comfortable.

I told my boyfriend I want a farm last night. He told me we will have a farm some day. We can plant all the veggies I want and grow berries and melons. There will be pigs, cows, chickens, horses, and fainting goats. We will also have a dog. It might cost a bit of money but I am sure we can do it. I will work three jobs if I have to.

I want a decent sized house. Ideally there would be four bed rooms and three bathrooms. A room for me and my husband, a room for each kid (I want two), and a guest bedroom. One bathroom would be mine, the other for the kids, and one guest bathroom. We would have a nice big kitchen where I can cook everybody meals.

The basement could be part play room and part workout space. I would have a bike and an elliptical, weights, and a mat. Whatever workout stuff that both me and my husband would use. The other part would have giant bean bags. One wall would be a projector so we could have movie nights. The kids could have whatever toys they want down there. I could paint one wall and put a map on it or something.

Oh wait one wall can be a chalk wall. I think I would do a wall like that in both of their bedrooms. I want my kids to always be able to express themselves. I will teach them how to garden, take care of the animals, and to cook. We would have such a nice little farm life. I want that really badly.

I would have all the love in the world right in one house. It would always be safe. I would raise my kids to know that I will never hurt them and that I will always accept them and so will their other father. They will always be safe and loved. I would protect my family at any cost.

I wish my kids would be raised with grandparents though. Not saying I will marry the man I am dating now but if I do then they will not have grandparents. I would maybe trust the mom with my kids but I could never trust the dad. He says he would spoil them but after everything I have seen him do I can never be sure that he wouldn't hurt them.

They will have everything they need though. I will create my own family and they will always have a village to rely on. Family is not blood family is who you love. They also have my whole system to teach them things. Kas can teach them how to protect themselves, Qp can help them with homework, and Sweetpea can teach them about dinosaurs. I have a village in one body.

Thinking about the future really helped me calm down. I like having goals that I know I can work towards achieving. I can reach all my goals someday; it will just take time. I am only sixteen, I have so much life ahead of me. I have so much of my life that I can spend not being in this house.

I think this will be it for today. It really calmed me down but sadly I have other classes that require me to do work. I think when I get it done I will continue to work on projects in my room to calm me down. I will try to make this a good day. I will see you tomorrow.