Journal

4/27/20

4/27/20- Good morning journal. I am very mad that the spacing on my entire document got messed up and now there are giant gaps between paragraphs. That is such a first world problem. I will be talking about more important stuff so do not worry.

I got into my goal college! Wait. I already told you about that. So you know I got in and you know where I am going. Do you know why I am nervous? I do not think I will do good. Everything in my life has been at a stage recently where it is not perfect but it is the best I have ever had and I know I am going to mess that up somehow.

What if I fail my classes? What if Moorhead changes their mind? What if I go to a different college in the future and they do not accept those credits? What if I never reach my goals? It scares the shit out of me to think of my future. I feel like I will never be good enough to have the future I want.

I got in though. I didn't even think that would happen. They accepted me because they thought I could do it. If they have faith in me then I should have faith in me. I am a dragon. I made it in and I will make it out and everything will be alright. All I gotta do is stop thinking bad things. I got this.

I am getting my shit together. I am at a healthier weight, I am eating more, I am exercising everyday, I got into my goal school, I am learning to love myself. Four months into 2020 and I am doing so much better than I thought I would ever be. I just have to learn to remember that and to be proud of myself.

I am not where I want to be but I am okay with that. Goals take time to achieve. I am kinda hoping that by the end of the year I will come out as trans to the parents. The first step is coming out to my therapist. That seems so hard to do every time I try. Once I am confident enough to do that then maybe she can help me tell the family.

I want to live my life as my truest self. I have been a lot more honest lately and I have been doing my best to embrace who I am and what I feel. It does not always work but I do have people who support me. Soon I am going to force the dad to quit stalling and just shave my hair. After that I am going to buy red hair dye and dye it red. I will really feel like a dragon then.

Can I tell you something cute? I was talking to my boyfriend last night. He texted me and apologized for not talking to me lately and said he loves me cares about me. I told him it was fine because I have come to terms with him being busy and not needing me. He insisted that we called though. At first he seemed busy watching videos and listening to music and I immediatley went numb.

After awhile he mentioned how beautiful the weather was that day. I told him was amazing and I played outside with the dog. His cute ass went ¨did you go swimming?¨ such a simple question but the way he said it is what got me. He sounded so excited because he knows I love swimming. I told him I did not go swimming but I walked in the water and when I was laying down the big dog jumped on my back and shook off all the water on her fur.

It was such a simple conversation but it made me happy that he sounded enthusiastic. I did not stay long because I got anxious so Kas came out. He was a little annoyed with him but he did not seem to notice. Then Colby came out and apparently he was losing his mind. I think it was too hot in my bed and he was tired and freaking out. I think eventually he just straight up passed out.

I got out of bed around 5:30 this morning which was an hour later than I wanted to get up. I worked out for an hour and had a delicious protein smoothie which took forever to make. I had some time to kill before school started so I decided to work on this and get it done before everything else. I like it better this way because I can focus more.

It was raining when I woke up but it is supposed to get really warm out so hopefully when all my school stuff is done I can go outside and play. Or if it is really humid and sticky out then I can force the dad to finally live up to his word and do my hair. He has to shave my brother's hair anyways so he might as well shave both of our heads.

It is kinda weird to think about the fact that he has two twin boys (only knows about one) and they are polar opposites. The brother was born with white hair and although it is getting more yellow it is still pretty light. I was born with brown hair and it has gotten sun bleached but it is still a lot darker than his. The brother is a video game player, struggles in school, and a football player (not anymore but that is a long story). I am a nerd, I got into college early, and I am a gym junky.

We look and act so different that it is a bit hard to believe we are twins. That is okay though because I like being the more original one. He can keep the dads outdated and harmful ideas about other people and I can advocate for them. He can be homophobic and I can be gay. Holy shit it is like we are yin and yang. Except maybe not.

It is strange how life works. Why did they put a gay trans guy who loves dying his hair into a homophic/ transphobic family that hates letting me color my hair? Why cant families be designed to go perfectly together? Life would be so easy then. Probably not but a boy can dream. Maybe I can make that into a short story some day.

I can not believe it is already 8:20 in the morning. I have been typing for about thirty minutes but it seems like five minutes. It feels like I have got nothing done. But at the same time I have written more in a shorter period of time than I have in a long time. Last week it took me an hour and a half to write one crappy page. These pages are probably still crappy but whatever.

I am still writing and I am doing my best to get better so that is all that matters. Someday I might even be able to write my own book. Wouldn't that be a dream. I could write fiction, or horror, or more books about life (I have started one already). The possibilities are endless. I would never find a publisher though.

My old best friend writes a lot of poetry. She wrote a whole poetry book and sent it to a publisher. Last summer was the last time we talked about it and at that point the publisher had never responded. I am sure if she did decide to publish it I would have found out about it already. I hope she finds a publisher soon because she is an amazing writer.

She wants to be a screenwriter some day. I think she wants to go to a college in Georgia to get her English degree and whatever else she needs. Then she wants to go to California and write movies and stuff. I used to think it was such a fantasy. But now I think she will make it. She is talented and driven and I know she can do it. I have no idea if that is still what she wants to do though.

I will probably see her this summer and we can talk about it then. We have one day every summer that we spend together. We go to valley fair with the brother and his best friend and it is awesome. We have the greatest conversations about life. She was my best friend for years but the crowd she started hanging out with just was not for me. She is bi though so we like to have deep conversations about sexuality and what not because all her friends are straight and dont really get it.

It is nice knowing we support each other even if we do not talk often. If she needed me I would be there and I am sure she would be there for me. Wow that was a trip down memory lane. That was nice. It was the perfect distraction for me. Maybe I will start to talk about more of my old friends.

I should probably start working on my other classes now. I have to get all that done and also talk to my dean about classes. This should be fun. I am sure everything will be fine. I should not have too much homework so today should be decent. I will see you tomorrow.