Journal

4/24/20

4/24/20- Hello hello hello. It is friday and I am going to do my best to be productive today. I did most of my school work already with minor procrastinating. But uh maybe lets not talk about school because I am currently not doing great in a class (geometry should not be counted though because it should not exist).

Quick run down of the day so far: I ate breakfast, had a protein shake, and made lunch. I also did the fourth day of our workout challenges (only ten minutes of abs today) plus ten minutes of yoga and half an hour of dancing. I showered and started doing my work. Much productive much good.

What I want to do today: Eat my lunch, hang up some paintings, and talk to someone who is coming over (but staying six feet away and out of the house. I am also gonna try and have my dad shave my hair because I told him I wanted him to and he said he would. I do not want to do too much today because I know I have a longer workout tomorrow and a lot of other stuff to get done.

Now that you know how my quarantine life is going I think I will tell you stories about my system because you already met Kas. First story is from when Kas was fronting the other day. He prepared some yoghurt, an orange, lemon tea, and some dark chocolate almond milk for breakfast. The milk triggered a little and whoever it was pushed their way to the front. A couple minutes later Kas fronted again and the yoghurt and milk was gone and the orange was in the tea cup and tea was everywhere.

I had more stories but I am suddenly out of it. Why does that happen when we write? It is like all our brain cells straight up disappear. My head gets foggy and it is hard to see. My brain is sabotaging me, I swear.

How about we talk more about DID information? I do not know exactly what Kas said so I apologize if I repeat things. Lets start with system sizes. There only needs to be two alters for you to have DID. But there is a thing called polyfragmented systems. Those systems have over a hundred alters. Some systems have thousands of alters. There is no normal amount of alters to have.

There are also subsystems. That is when an alter has their own system. It is really complicated and hectic but really fascinating. I personally have not met a system with a subsystem but I have seen some on instagram. I think it would be super fun to do brain scans on a subsystem.

It is also pretty common for a system to be all female or all male if the body was born the opposite sex. The reason for this is that a kid might think that if they were the opposite sex the abuse would not be happening to them. Multiplicity and Me has all male alters. You should definitely check out their youtube account because they have so many informational videos. They also have some cool projects involving actors that look like their alters!

I also recommend DissociaDID (Edit:WE DO NOT SUPPORT THIS SYSTEM ANYMORE), the entropy system, and acrylicandaether on youtube. They are amazing systems who do amazing things. There are so many informational videos but also a lot of fun videos. It is nice seeing that systems can have fun and just enjoy being themselves sometimes.

That is my goal with my youtube channel but I probably won't ever get to that point. As long as I help at least one person I am okay with that. Spreading information and helping others learn is what I live for. It feels so good when people tell me I made a difference in their life.

I also wanna help people feel more comfortable with their LGBT identities. As a trans gay man I know it can be hard to accept yourself and figure out who you are. I also know what it is like to not have supportive family members and I hate that other people also have to deal with that. I am everyone's new dad. You don't have a supportive family? Welp I am your family now and I love and support you no matter who you are.

I also wanna help people get stronger. I have always loved moving my body but my family has always over fed me and then made fun of me for being chubby even though they kept shoving food in my face. I have never really not been depressed and that made it hard to be motivated. I got tired of feeling physically and mentally bad. I hate the paranoia that comes when I am out in public.

Are people staring at me? They must be judging me. Can they see all my fat? They must think I'm disgusting. I am beautiful and I want to be able to say that 24/7. I want to get to my goal weight and then build muscle. I want to feel strong. I want to help others motivate themselves too.

I got big plans man. I might not ever make a difference but I will do my damn best. Whats the point of getting to my goals if I did not bring someone along with me? If I feel on top of the world I want those around me to also feel like that. Although I will help people but once they are stronger than me they're done cause nuh uh boo boo I must be the strongest (kidding, maybe).

Not to rapidly switch it up again but uhhhh here is another short story:

"Mummy!! Mummy!! Sudha entered the room, "What is it, honey?"The child was kneeling on the bed looking at her wide-eyed. She has obviously not slept for long, her big red eyes speaking of a horror that Sudha's adult mind could never comprehend. She had not slept a wink for the last two days. The child was keeping her up all night. Shifting to a new house coupled with forced insomnia was not a good restraint for her temper. "There is something under my bed" the child screamed.Not again, Sudha thought. When she heard the child, she rolled on her bed to wake her husband, but he wasn't there. He must have gone to the bathroom, she thought. Wearily, she got out of the bed to go to the child's bedroom."There is nothing under the bed, sweetheart, you just had a bad dream.""Nooo, I know there is something there." with the conviction that comes with being a child.Sudha sighed. This is going to be a long night. I am going to end this tonight, she thought."Ok, if I check under the bed and find nothing, will you go back to sleep?" she asked the child."Maybe...""Ok, let me get the flashlight..." she said. She walked out of the room and called her husband. There was no answer."Mummy!!" Sudha walked back into the room. "Daddy went under the bed with the flashlight..." "What?¨ "Daddy went under the bed with the light... it must be lying there." Mildly surprised, Sudha bent down to peer under the bed. She can see something shiny under the bed. She reaches out for it and touches it, but it rolls further away. She feels something sticky on the floor. She pulls back her hand and checks it under the lamp on the bedside table. It is something dark and sticky. She looks at the child."Did you drop something under the bed?""A chocolate..." the child murmured in a guilt-ridden voice."Where is Daddy?""He is still under the bed..."Surprised, Sudha bent down again. The flashlight has rolled towards the other end of the bed against the wall. She crawled under the bed and reached it. Before she could turn it on, she felt something or someone grip her hand. She let out a small scream, but the grip only tightened. She shouted and thrashed, but something clutched her throat and her voice was cut off. In another five seconds, her body stopped moving.The child peered over the edge of the bed and saw the edge of a small dark puddle of liquid. The child smiled. "Are you still hungry?"

I do not know why I was unable to space all that out but my laptop was acting up and I did not want the story to take up three pages due to giant spacing so I apologize. I like that story though. There is a lot of stories like it but it is still good.

I just got a letter from the college I applied for! I am officially a PSEO student at Minnesota State University Moorhead!! I decided that was the school I wanted to go to because they have a good psychology program. Now I can get highschool and college credit for free my jr and senior years. It will save me so much money and make me look so much better in the work field.

I did not expect to get in. I am so happy! I am glad they accepted me before seeing how quarantine affected my grades. I mean all my college classes will be online but at least those classes were not put together last minute and they have been done before. I have a good feeling about this. I think it will go well.

Why are my paragraphs so messed up today? I hope this gets fixed soon because I do not want to continue writing like this. I was doing well and I was really excited to start writing again but now I am mad at my computer. I think I will stop here for the day and continue later. I will see you on Monday.