Journal

4/16/20

4/16/20- Good morning journal. It has been an interesting day so far. I woke up at five from my alarm and I must have instantly passed back out because I woke up at 6:13 after a really bad dream. I was so freaked out that I did not even hesitate to leave my bed. I still felt squishy but I was down a bit of weight since yesterday so I felt better.

I went upstairs and did chores. I had a banana, some strawberries, and some strawberry banana yoghurt. The lunch I prepared was a bunch of broccoli, green beans, cantaloupe, and grapes. I am currently eating my lunch even though it is only 10:45 because I am hungry. I did my normal workout routine for this month and then biked for thirty minutes. Out of sixteen days I only did not do the first workout once but I replaced it with an hour and a half of dancing.

I am feeling good so far. My math class was one little quiz and two video notes so that was easy. I did not have any english homework because I got ahead yesterday. I only had one question to fill out in history. Spanish class was three quizzes but I finished in less than half an hour but I did not do the absolute best. That leaves me with Creative writing. I answered the daily question, did my reading, and now I am here. Pretty nice school day.

I hope next thursday is also a calmer day cause it is supposed to be really really warm next week. By Thursday all the ice and snow from Easter should be gone. I can not wait to go swimming again. I received a 25 dollar gift card to Walmart from my uncle applejack so now I have three of them. That is an entire 75 dollars. I am hoping lockdown is lifted when June comes around so that I can go and get some new swimsuits. I also hope I lose a bit more weight before then too.

I wanna be closer to my goal weight before I start getting new clothes cause I want my clothes to fit longer. But at the same time I need a swimsuit for this summer cause my old ones do not fit and I want some that I feel really good wearing. I also need new shorts because my shorts are all getting too big and they look pretty ugly. I guess I need all new clothes pretty much but summer stuff is needed sooner than others.

The goal is to get to a healthy weight by June. I technically am at a healthy weight because I do quite a bit of muscles and such. But if you want to go only off of BMI then 145 is where I should be at. That is a good goal. More importantly the goal is to feel confident and good. As long as I feel good nothing else really matters.

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again. I fixate on things a lot and I tend to hold a lot in so when I am writing I put down what I am fixating on. It lets some of my insecurities and flaws out which is why some things are so repeated in my writing. It might be boring to read but it is therapeutic to write.

You know what is also therapeutic? Painting your nails. I do not normally do it because it feels really girly and makes me dysphoric. But screw that boys can paint their nails and look freaking badass too. I painted my nails with some fancy light blue gel nailpolish. It looks so good and it is gel so as long as I do not pick at my nails it will stay looking good for a long time. I think a family member from Wisconsin sent me an amazon gift card for my birthday so maybe I can use that to get some more nailpolish.

I want to get good at painting nails so I can paint my friends nails. I know a lot of guys who are insecure about painting their nails but secretly love it. I want to show them that if I can wear nailpolish then they can too. Plus if they do get insecure they can just tell people I wanted practice so he let me paint his nails. I should paint my boyfriend's nails while he is sleeping cause that would be so funny. He would hate it but maybe if they were black he would not mind so much.

Things have been okay with my boyfriend. We still do not talk very often and he does not always seem interested but I feel like it isn't just because he doesn't love me anymore. I mean I still think that if you can't handle not being able to see more for long periods of time then we should not be together. He wants to go into the military. He would go almost a whole year without seeing me. Going a month without seeing me shouldnt be that bad considering we can still call and text everyday. But we do not call and text so I feel like if he was missing me that much he would be doing more.

I think once we see each other again I will calm down. It really is frustrating not seeing him like I used to. It will be fine though. We have been together almost seven months. We will be fine. I do not need to talk to him everyday. I am independent and I can do my own stuff.

After this I am gonna take my rabbit out to play and I am going to go through all the little kid stuff in the basement and organize it. I am going to stay productive and move around and have a good freaking day. I am perfectly able to entertain myself. Maybe I will start painting again. I keep saying I am gonna do that but I never do.

Now that I think of it there is a lot of stuff I want to do with my room. I want to create so many things and reorganize everything. I want thrift stores to accept donations again soon so I can donate a bunch of stuff that I do not want anymore. I feel like my room is too small now that I have all the dog stuff and a little couch (I did not want the couch). I think I just need to reorganize it all and it will feel a lot better.

Now I am really motivated to get stuff done. So I am going to make a list of what needs to get done:

Play with rabbit.

Organize kid toys.

Clean basement.

Clean bathroom floors.

Work on art.

Reorganize under the bed.

I think this is a good enough list for the day. I have like five hours before dinner so that is plenty of time to get most of that done. If there is anything left then I can add it to my list of things to do tomorrow. It feels so good having a plan! Thank you for listening. I will see you tomorrow.