Journal

4/21/20

4/21/20- Good morning journal. It is me Kasim again. I just realized that this journal was supposed to be our thought process through this quarantine and documenting the pandemic and stuff. I guess this is our thought process during everything. We turned it into more of an entertainment thing but that is okay because we will be posting this on wattpad eventually.

Why am I still here? I do not know and I do not want to be here. School today has been killing me. I have done two quizzes and the first one took 61 minutes. The second one was Spanish and it shows the correct answers after you turned it in so I checked and it said I got some of the answers wrong even though they matched perfectly to the answer key. I am an anger holding alter. My name literally means anger holder and when someone is angry I am the one to front.

I apologize if my english is really bad. This is not my native tongue even though it is the only one I use when I am fronting. For some reason the longer I front the harder it is to understand english and remember words. I am also really dissociated so I think someone else is gonna front.

Dissociating feels so crazy. For me it is like floating. I feel like I am not real and neither is anything else so I am just floating through a blurred existence. I end up having a lot of out of boy experiences where I am watching the body do stuff and I have no control. That is what is happening right now.

Alright I am done dissociating. I had to call my doctor to try and get more medication because it has been a week since we have had our meds. We are upping the dose and getting it soon. I think the meds are the reason we have been so out of it lately and why I need twenty hours of sleep a day to feel rested. I thought it was from not sleeping on the fishing trip but I am still unusually tired.

The dad is home now and he is pissed. Not at us thankfully but at his old best friend. We spent most of our childhood summers with him and his kids but then he changed. We didn't see him or his family for like a year and we've only seen them once in a while since then. Anyway the dad wanted help with his truck so he took it to him.

They got a new part to balance the fuel intake and a chip with new programs to help the truck run better. The truck ran before we brought it there; it just didn't run good. Now it does not run at all. The dad's friend did something under the dash and after that it stopped running. He is trying to blame everyone else so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

He never works on the truck either. He has had it for months now and he never does anything with it when he says he will. I can already tell he is gonna try charging us a fortune and he probably wont get a dime because we have lost six hundred dollars or so already. It is a complete shit show.

On a more positive note I worked out today! We have not worked out since last Thursday because of the fishing trip and then coming home and being super exhausted. I decided to help work on the body like everyone else so that we can all feel better while fronting.

I am going to drink at least one gallon of water a day. Some of the water will be lemon water and I am also gonna drink lemon tea every morning to help with digestive issues. I am going to try to eat 1,500 calories every day cause normally we barely eat 1,000. I decided to do a challenge because it is something new everyday and it will make me more motivated to do it. It is a thirty five day Chloe Ting summer shred challenge.

Today was a 20 minute jumping HIIT which also had around five minutes of stretching at the end. That was followed by a ten minute ab work out which was way too easy. Wybie did that ab workout in one of his routines for over a month. I do not know what I have to do tomorrow but I am excited for some more challenges.

I decided I am gonna try to not weigh the body for the whole 35 day. That might not be how it works but at the very least I wanna try only weighing the body once a week. This way we are not obsessed with numbers so we can be more focused on our health. I personally do not have an eating disorder but I know that there are a lot of alters that do so I am going to help them.

I am also getting to the calorie goal by eating four ¨meals¨ a day. I eat a pre workout breakfast and then I have a post workout protein shake. This morning I ate a yoghurt with some granola and had a vanilla protein shake that tastes like funfetti cake mix. For lunch I have apple sauce, cantaloupe, kidney beans, cauliflower chips, and carrots and celery. Not very high in calories but all the food has been really healthy and filling.

I have not eaten yet because I have been full of water but I probably will eat lunch soon. I know dinner is gonna be salmon because the mom knows that the brother and I love it. I assume there will be potatoes and asparagus with it but I don't know. That is all pretty healthy too but it is a bit higher in calories so that is good.

I am so dissociated now oh my. I think I have written the goal today which is good. I think I will stop here today. I hope some of this made sense. If I am back tomorrow I will try to be more educational again because education is important. We will see you tomorrow.