Journal

5/28/20

5/28/20- Good morning journal. I am having a day. I wanted to get up early, have a healthy breakfast, make a healthy lunch, workout, and shower. Nope. I could not wake myself up for the life of me. I am having a giant cup of coffee and I ate most of a banana. I probably will not eat lunch and I definitely will not be working out today.

That is okay though. Rest is what I need right now. Yesterday was a wild day. After all my homework I decided to tell everyone I wanna go by Maddox for awhile. I also came out to my friend that I have been a bit distant from. I did not tell him that I wanna go by Maddox but we talked about gay shit (he is straight though).

I also came out to my therapist. That was not fun. She was not necessarily transphobic. She is just really old and does not understand much. Apparently she has a client who has already transitioned though so that makes me hopeful. I ran out of time to tell her my name though.

We did however talk about my boyfriend. That was so not fun. She asked if he appreciates the feminine parts of my body and I was like don't know don't care. She was like well he is a teenage boy with testosterone he has to expect something. THAT IS A TOXIC VIEW OF MEN. How dare you tell me that because I am dating a guy I need to put out for him because that is all he wants.

We just do not do that stuff. He does not expect me to do anything ever. He knows how to keep in it his pants and the fact that nobody can accept that just because he is a teenager is so stupid. Not every teenager has sex. Not every teenager even wants to have sex. I am sixteen. I do not need to be having sex.

And then she asks if we even do anything a normal couple does. Wow I did not know that couples can not hug without having sex. I did not know that kissing has to lead to sex. People like her drive me insane. I feel pressured by a freaking adult to have sex. That is not okay.

I was ranting about it on my main instagram and the amount of people who have had similar experiences with therapists is ridiculous. That is so beyond okay. Nobody should feel like they have to have sex just to be a normal teenager. Although one person commented and said he bets five bucks that me and my boyfriend will not last a year because we don't have sex.

People are freaking ridiculous. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. For anyone. Ever. Especially if you are asexual. Do not ever feel like you are weird or need to do something you do not want to. You are so so so so valid and I am here for you. Some people just can not handle that people do not find pleasure in the same things they do.

I hate when people assume that me and my boyfriend break the law or do irresponsible things just because we are 16. We only see each other in school. Do you really think we have so little control just to do it in the middle of class? There are some people who do that. But obviously they got caught by me or a teacher because I definitely know it happened. But just because some students do it does not mean all students do it.

I am also annoyed because I have made it so clear to my therapist that I like dudes. I am not against liking girls. If I did find myself attracted to a girl then I would be fine with it. But when I came out as trans she asked what gender I am attracted to now. Wtf? Just because my gender is not the gender you thought it was does not mean I magically started liking other genders.

Damn people thought I was a straight female so I definitely need to be a straight dude. Hell no. I am a gay guy. I am proud of that. My sexuality has nothing to do with my gender and vise versa. She even asked what my boyfriend is. He is a dude that likes people. That was what he was before I came out to her. That is what he is now that I am out to her.

People are wack. I get that she is older and this stuff is new but holy shit some of her views are so toxic. It is sad because that is how almost every adult I have met is. Only the lgbt teachers and adults I know seem to have a grasp on the fact that not all teenagers want or have sex. That is just so mind boggling to me.