Journal

5/19/20

5/19/20- Good morning journal. Today is a good day. Yes finally the news you have been waiting for. I am finally having a good day. I mean there have been negatives but we will get into that later.

I woke up not feeling tired. I was upstairs before five in the morning. I had to recollect the big dog's urine which did not work. She refused to let me collect the sample. I have to get it tomorrow so she can finally get tested.

I ate yogurt and granola for breakfast and steamed broccoli and cut strawberries for my lunch today. I will eat a bagel and I just ate a banana as a snack. The brother and the dad are going up to the land today. I do not know if they are staying the night or not but I really hope they stay up there.

Even if they are only gone for a couple hours the mom is working right now so I have the upstairs to myself. I will play so much just dance on the wii. I have to check on the calendar to see when the mom gets off work. Hopefully it will be late enough for me to make my own dinner. I really want to make my own dinner.

The real reason I am having a good day is because of my English class. We are doing a research paper and at first I was like oh damn not this again. The set up for picking the topic was similar to my argumentation class and some of the topics were similar. But then I saw it.

I saw the psychology section. Do you know what the first option was? The Stanford Prison Experiment. You have no idea how happy I am to be doing my research on that. I watched the movie a couple years ago and it was game changing. It is honestly the thing that really pushed me into a psychology career path.

If you do not know what the experiment is you need to research it. There was a makeshift prison made in Stanford. Twenty two people signed up for this experiment. One dropped out before it started but essentially there were ten prisoners and eleven guards. Their roles were picked at random. They were all tested to make sure they were mentally stable before they were chosen.

The original experiment was supposed to last 14 days. Each person would make $15 a day (this was 1973). They only made it to day six. It was absolutely insane seeing everyone slowly morph into an entirely new person. The psychological damage it caused was insane. The sad thing is that is how it is in a lot of prisons.

Although people in real prisons normally did something to deserve to be there. I know some people are wrongly accused or made some mistakes and what not. They do not deserve to be treated so poorly. Nobody really does. Serial killers and mass murders are a different story but I think you get my point.

I am obsessed with this experiment. I know so much about it that I barely have to do research. This paper is gonna be amazing. I swear if I do not get a good grade I will lose my mind. I hope this takes up all the time between now and the end of the school year because then I have the easiest ending of the year possible.

Wanna know my new guilty pleasure? Watching super sized vs super skinny. It can have its not so amazing moments but it really is eye opening. I never realized how bad some of my habits really are. I also did not realize how some of my habits relate to my disordered eating. The show pretty much scares me into wanting to get better.

It is the motivation I need to keep myself on track and to keep trying to be healthier. Also I started on season six out of seven. I do not know if I will stop after season six but I do know I want to finish season six. Maybe I can watch it upstairs later.

Did I tell you guys I watched season four of Riverdale? You might think it is strange that I watch that. I admit it is really poorly written and there is too much going on. I will also admit that the insane back stories of every character is what keeps me hooked. I also relate to Jughead and Betty a lot.

I honestly can not believe all the stuff that happened in that season. I thought for sure the show would be over but the ending leaves hint for a season five. I would say four is enough of the madness but honestly I need to see how everything plays out.

My brain has turned to mush. It is only ten in the morning and my brain is clocking out. Yes it is my fault for leaving this class last but I thought all my other classes would be short. They were but apparently I only have the mental capacity to do four classes a day. Oh well tomorrow is a rest day for working out so maybe I can use my spared physical energy for brain power.

Jokes on me that is never how it works. My brain is special. I am a complete mess today. I will make roasted chickpeas! I am losing it. My ability to type let alone think is pppffff. I am starting to have sensory overload problems. Too much sound and thoughts. Too much light in my room. Too many things right now.

I do not like this at all. I hate it. My face is so scrunched up it is giving me a headache. This happens a lot. This happened every day in school. It is all too much. I can not handle it. Too much. It feels like my face is melting and shattering at the same time.

This is what some of my episodes are like. I can not tell if it is weirder to have me typing my thoughts during it or to see me actually losing my mind in person. Either way it is not fun I know that. I am sorry that I am a mess.

I am trying my best to push through and keep typing but it is really really hard. I think I might vomit. I am really close to being sick. I am sorry but I definitely need to go now. I will see you tomorrow.