Journal

5/8/20

5/8/20- Good morning journal. Today was a good morning. The big dog slept with me all night and gave me lots of cuddles. The small dog also gave me lots of cuddles. My boyfriend called and we have been on the phone all morning (still currently on the phone). I have not had time to workout yet but that is okay.

I chugged a bunch of coffee so I am feeling energetic for once. I feel calm now though because I realize how annoying I was. I hate how the only time I feel decent I have so much pent up energy that I just annoy everyone. This is why the most I actually talk to anyone is when I write in this journal. And I am not even talking to anyone while writing.

I am just typing to nothing. All my thoughts and ideas are being put on paper to just sit. So far I have not gone back and read any of this journal. I do not think I ever will. I have not shared this with anyone but my teacher yet either and I do not think she has read any of this (or at least that much of it).

Maybe that is why I enjoy this project so much. It gives me a place to talk where I can not annoy or piss off anyone. I do plan on publishing this some day. I doubt many people will read it. But even then I do not have to share this. I can let it sit and grow old like most of my other writing.

I do not know why writing is so therapeutic to me. Most of the time when I rant or vent it does get shared for people to see. Many of my random thoughts and ideas get shared. But they have not meant anything to anyone in a long time. So why do I still enjoy it so much? I guess I might never know.

The big dog is cuddling with me while I type this. Maybe she knows I am upset. She is very comforting even though I am not giving her all my attention right now. I am so lucky to have grown up with dogs. I do not know where my life would be if I grew up without animals. I probably would not even be here.

Dogs sense emotions. Most of my dogs had pretty much become therapy dogs for me in the past. Almost every time I was crying they would give me kisses, cuddle me, or make sure I was sitting down so I could not go and do something stupid. They have stopped me from doing stupid things for a long time.

I do not know how they learn to comfort people on their own. I know they can be trained. But the fact that they figure out how to calm an anxiety attack or how to help someone who is having a breakdown amazes me. Maybe they do not know. Maybe all they really want is to be pet and they always just pick the perfect time to seek attention.

I will never understand the mind of a dog. I would love to be a dog though. Just for one day so I could see what it is like. What is it like to sleep and play all day? To have no responsibility yet get so much praise seems like a dream. Being a dog sounds amazing.

I do not understand why people hurt dogs. They are so innocent and pure. They are completely defenseless. Why waste time abusing something when you could just let it live a happy life with someone else? Dogs are too pure for people.

They are also so loyal. You might get mad at them and yell. You might spank them when they do something wrong. But no matter what you do at the end of the day they love you. You are their human and they would do anything for you. They would go to the ends of the Earth for you.

Cats on the other hand are evil. Smart, very smart, but evil. They scratch and bit and only decide to be nice when they want attention. The second they do not want attention they start scratching again. They sleep all day and normally do not know how to chase balls like a dog. Most of them do not even swim! I do not see the appeal.

I have met cats that I like. Not all cats are that bad. But personally they could never ever be as good as a dog. I am such a dog person. My boyfriend is a cat person. I mean he is not the biggest animal person because he is allergic to most animals. But still he prefers cats. What a weirdo.

He agreed to let me have two dogs in the future though. He also said yes to pigs, goats, chickens, and cows. He said yes to ducks but only said I could have one. Apparently they are too loud. I used to raise ducks and they really are not that loud but he told me not to argue and that he did not want to talk about it.

I have not really spoken since. I did not know ducks would piss him off like that. I feel like shit for pissing him off. I do that a lot. I have a knack for either annoying everyone or pissing them off. I tell myself that I am better off not speaking. Normally I do not speak that often. At least not about things that are important to me.

But ocassionally bottling it all up gets too hard and I open my mouth. It all blows up in my face. I hate being this way. If I could I would shut myself away from everyone. I think people would be a lot happier if I did that.

I often wonder how anyone could even think about liking me. The people who are supposed to love me most old me they dont love me. I have been told they hate me, they do not want me, that they wish they never had me, and that they wish I was dead. If the people I am supposed to call family do not love me then how can anyone else?

That is okay though. I do not need to be loved. If I make other people feel loved and happy then that is all that matters. If they are happy then I am happy. Helping others is all that really matters. I hate seeing people hurt.

I hate seeing people hurt because I made them hurt. I do not understand how I do that so often. I think that is one of the reasons I hurt myself so often. It is the thought that if I hurt myself then I am less like to hurt others. And if I am hurt that makes up for all the people that are hurt because of me.

People should not think that way. Nobody deserves to think that way. Everyone is important and loved wether they see it or not. If you feel unloved then I am here for you. I love you. I am always open to help those in need. Even if you just need to rant. Even if you just want one quick hug. Even if you just want to hear a story so you can distract yourself. I am here.

I am starting to cry so I have to go now. I am sorry for being so dark today. I think I really just needed to get some feelings out. I hope I will be more positive in the future. I will see you on monday.