Journal

5/6/20

5/6/20- Good morning journal. I had a strange day yesterday after I finished typing. It did not take too long to do my school work but that is partly because I pushed some of it off till today. I biked for half an hour and played some basketball. I biked for half an hour today because it was a rest day and I will probably bike some more because I love it.

That was not the weird thing though. The weird thing was I went shopping. The mom had to go to the bank and then pick some stuff up at a store and I needed clothes and everyone in the house needed new summer clothes. They did not have much at the store I went to but I got three pairs of decent shorts.

I also bought two bikinis. You might not see that as strange but I do because I never thought I would wear one. I mean I am a guy so I do not want to really wear one but I can not wear a male swimming suit. I also want the girls in the system to have something they feel comfortable in.

The first set was camo and had these weird clips. The mom picked it out. I hated it so I will return those. The next set was black bottoms and a turquoise top. It has some flowers on it and some mesh strips at the bottom. It does not fit perfectly right now but I think once I lose a bit more weight and start feeling more confident then it will look great.

It is weird knowing I actually got something that ¨only skinny girls can wear¨. I do not think you have to be a certain weight or body type to wear anything but other people's judgement sometimes gets to me. I won't let that happen this summer. I want to be confident and me. No more hiding.

Plus my old best friend is thicc and she has rocked bikinis for a long time. I do not know how she pulls them off so well but it is safe to say I am jealous. I want that confidence. She does not weigh herself or give a shit about what she eats; she just lives her best life. I know that is my end goal but I also know that if I want to get to my fitness goals I have to pay attention to what goes into my body.

It is worth it though. It might suck at some points but in the end knowing I pushed myself into the happiest and strongest me I could be is so worth it. Strength has always been really important to me and I really want to get to the point where I feel strong as hell. I want to show people that just because I am not biologically male or because I am a bit short does not mean I can not be stronger than them.

I will not be stronger than everyone and I know that. But I want to be stronger than those around me who do not try. I want to show what hard work and dedication really does. Stupid goal I know but whatever.

I feel like my ideals change a lot. Bettering myself in one way or another never goes away though. I want to have less body fat, I want to have more muscle, I want to be happy, I want to be confident. All of that connects together. I might switch from focusing on one to another but at least I am always still focusing on getting better.

Now if I could just apply my motivation to getting fit to my academic career I would be golden. I am losing my school motivation. I will get it back though because I need that more than anything. I can not afford to not start college early so I badly need to get my stuff together.

Quarantine has given me way too much time to think. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it is not. It helped me find the things I have done that I am proud of. It has also made me find the flaws that I feel I can never fix. It has given me a chance to recover from my ED but it has also given me a couple bad eating habits.

I do like that I know more of what I want in life. I will never take being able to leave the house and do things for granted again. I will also appreciate the time I do spend in a house more. I know I want to be healthy and I want to get there in the healthiest way. I have a better understanding of the boyfriend and friend I want to be.

I know what I really want in my future and what I probably will not need. Quarantine has helped a lot even if it has caused some damage as well. Why do I always sound like some little positive fairy when I start writing? Where has all my sarcasm and darkness gone?

I might have to leave you here today so I can go find it. I also might as well get an early start on school work so I have more time later to do better things. I hope today's writing was not too boring or repetitive. I will see you tomorrow.