Journal

6/5/20

6/5/20- Good morning journal. It is very hard to get anything done when you have a big dog to cuddle with. She is so cute. I love my baby girl. I think today might be another lake day so I will probably be spending most of my day playing with her.

I am not having it today. I was losing my shit last night and although I was so tired I could not fall asleep. Then I woke up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. I did not actually get up for the morning until 6:52. I had a big plan for the day and I was too tired to follow through.

I was gonna get up and make a bao for breakfast, make a healthy lunch, and work out. I had left over pizza for breakfast, I did not make lunch, and I certainly did not workout. I ate so healthy until dinner last night and then the mom brought dominos home. I normally have self control but the parents were yelling at the brother and I just sat there shoving pizza in my mouth.

I ended up going shopping with my mom and we got small frosties and she bought me timtams. I was going to save the timtams. Nope. I was having a full on meltdown and I ate like 13 tim ams and then threw up. I ate like 3,000 extra calories yesterday. I mean I did do a lot of yard work and stuff but still that is a lot.

I was hoping to get back on track today but that did not work out as planned. I am so damn tired. I will honestly probably just nap after this. Hopefully the parents let me do that. I have not really seen the mom much this week so her tolerance with me is high. The dad however is sick of my shit and hes so crabby now.

He did go to work yesterday and when he came home he decided it was time to do yard work. I mean that is fine but he was so crabby. I am like half the size of him and my brother. Yard work is a lot harder for me. I have muscles but I just do not have enough to be able to be super strong for my size. For some reason the dad just can not handle that my ways work better for me than his do.

I used my hand to pull up dead grass. The shovel is like the size of my. It just does not work having me pry the grass off with the shovel. The way I do things might not be normal but they work for me. Everything has to be his way or it's wrong. He is ridiculous.

He yelled at the brother for not doing his chores like he is supposed to. I get that it is frustrating. I was so angry with him too yesterday. But instead of listening to him or letting him explain what he is struggling with he just yelled. He kept telling my brother that nothing is wrong with him.

The brother is autistic. He is high functioning but he is still autistic. He struggles a lot with things that neurotypical people normally do not. And the dad constantly calls him retarded or stupid but then turns around and says there is nothing wrong with him and blames the mom for telling him there is something wrong with him.

When we were little they did not understand why he was so different from me. I taught myself to read when I was three and I loved learning new things and showing it off. But he really struggled with learning to read. The mom found out that sometimes words get really jumbled up and it is hard to understand what is said or read to him. She told him that because he has a right to know what is happening so he can learn to help himself.

We found out he had two types of dyslexia and ADHD when we were young but we did not know that he was autistic until we were twelve. The dad always refused to believe and for a long time he would drink all day and scream at the brother and call him autistic and just scream that everything is his fault. I tried so hard to protect him but it just did not work.

I was crying last night. The brother is so mean to me. He is such an asshole no matter what I do. But he is my brother. I have spent my entire life with him. I know him better than anybody else. And I know the autism affects him more than he likes to show. I know he is more depressed than he would ever admit. And I know that nobody has ever listened to him.