Journal

5/27/20

5/27/20- Good morning journal. I have come to the conclusion that I am not mentally okay. I need to get out of this damn house. I need to see my boyfriend. I need to be somewhere that is not freaking here.

I just feel dead. Like I am going through life but never feeling anything or truly getting anything done. It sucks. All I ever want to do is sleep. I never feel actual hunger I just eat because I feel like I need to. I want to workout but I never have the motivation to move around. I feel so freaking dead.

I need to not be here. I would go for a walk or try to go for a run but it is 90% humidity and I can not handle that. I would go out on the paddle board but there is no paddle. I texted my boyfriend a couple days ago and then I texted him last night but he never responded. I thought maybe we could video call but he never even texts.

He went three days where he made the time to call me everyday and now he can not even bother to text me back. I know that when he calls again he will be so sad and apologetic and I will immediately forgive him. I love him so much. I know he cares. But why the hell can he never make time to text me.

He is busy and I understand that but come on. Even just a text when he wakes up saying he will be busy all day but he loves me would be nice. That would make me ten times happier. But no his dumbass just never makes the time to text me.

I love him dearly. He really is great. We have our differences that we still need to learn to workout. We are still trying to compromise on things. Relationships take work. But holy shit I can not handle being alone all the time.

He has always been the person who shows love through touch. I show it by touch the least but for him I make sure I give him hugs and what not. I show love through cute presents, jokes, and texts. I can still show my love during quarantine. He can not. I understand that I can not just force him to change his love language. All I ask is just for at least one text a day.

I did not think it would be that hard to be far apart. At the beginning he was so sure about us being fine. I am not fine. This is not fine. I just do not know what to do at this point. I want to tell him off but at this point I do not want to waste time trying because I have told him off and nothing has changed.

I do not know anymore. I think maybe I should try and stop thinking about him. I made a new friend from Australia. She is so freaking cool and sweet. The time difference makes it a bit hard to communicate sometimes but we always make sure we find time to respond.

She is helping me get into tarot cards and paganism. She is honestly so freaking chill. She also has a girlfriend and they sound like the cutest couple ever. It makes me happy to see them happy. She plans on moving to Scotland sometime in the future an I really want to go visit her when she moves in.

I have not talked to my best friend in awhile. We have been in moods recently and he has separated himself from me for a bit. I just hope he is okay. I would understand if he just did not want to talk to me anymore. I just want to know that he is okay.

I am glad that I at least have one person to talk to. Even my therapist never talks to me. She said we would have a meeting yesterday and we never did. She is a terrible therapist. I kinda wanna have someone investigate her because I feel like she is fake. Everyone I have talked to about her says she is fishy.

Maybe that will give me something to do. That can be my project to get me back on track. Probably will not happen but that would be interesting. I might honestly just stop talking to her completely and find a new therapist because holy shit she sucks.

I have trust issues with professionals now that I know that friend of the moms is fake. I am sure I have told you about her but if I have not I will give you a little run down. She says she is a psychologist at the U of M but we found out she is not licensed in Minnesota and never was. She also never went to the college that she said she did.

He house was actually her friends and it was sold in April. She says she is in Kansas but there is evidence of her being in Minnesota. Nobody knows where she gets the money to have a fancy car, pay for foods and drinks, and to gamble so much she gets free rooms in Vegas. All we know is that her name seems to be real.

The mom has met her parents and believes those are her real family. She thinks that they believe she is an actual psychologist. I feel like they are not her real family but I have never met them so I really can not say. Anyway I think my therapist is not like that but I think she is just not a real therapist.

The mom was also close friends with someone who was a fraud. He bought a Ford dealership and had so much money. She knew he was suspicious because nobody starts a business like that and immediately has a lot of money. Eventually it came to light that he stole like five million dollars from American Express.

He also started a line of fires in Carlos Avery. I believe he is out of prison already and doing some shady shit. The mom has a bad history of knowing fake people. That do be shady as hell. Lowkey makes me want to research anyone who comes into my life.

Also I have a better Idea of what name I want to go by. I posted a quiz asking what name suits me best. So far I have eleven votes for Maddox, six votes for Maverick, three votes for Dorance, and one vote for Akiva. I never really liked the name Akiva I just wanted to have four options. I think I might try going by Maddox for awhile.

I lowkey want to be able to have a nickname too. Maybe I can be called Dox for short. I am very dog like so maybe I can be called Doxen. I could test Maverick too because then I could be called Mav. Dorance can not really be shortened but technically I would be the second Dorance or Dorance jr so maybe I could be called jr. I think I will start by testing Maddox first and go from there.

I think that sounds like a good plan. I gotta go get other school stuff done. Thank you for listening to my dumb rambling. I will see you tomorrow.