Journal

4/30/19

4/30/19- Good morning journal. Today is not a better day. But I will type on and try to make it good. I think the dad and brother are leaving today and wont be back till Monday night. The mom has not had an actual conversation about me not going but she told my grandparents and my grandma wants me to go so that my grandpa can hug me. I love him and I do want to see him but he never stops my dad when he is screaming and being himself.

It barely feels safe being in the house so being 45 minutes away with nobody close by and barely any service with him is definitely not safe. Plus I want to start working out again cause my foot is healing and I feel extra crappy knowing I am too scared to get up and move my body. I think I am gonna stop the 40 day shred challenge and do a 14 day challenge to get back into it and hopefully the progress will majorly motivate me to do the 40 day challenge again.

I am also going to try to drink a gallon of water again cause the past two days I have not felt motivated to drink a gallon. So the goal for the next week is to start working out again, drink a gallon of water every day, cut out sugary foods again, and stop weighing myself. The past couple weeks I have not been feeling the best and I think it is because I eat a lot more sugars and regressed to some old bad habits so I want to work on that.

I feel so shitty. My head is pounding and I feel so fatigued. I know the fatigue is from depression and is a bit of a trauma response so I am letting myself sleep but trying my best to get up before 6:30. I am going to paint and do yoga after my school work to help boost my mood. I am also gonna try to go paddle boarding with the big dog because it is supposed to be really nice today. That might not happen if the dad does not leave though.

I took a bubble bath last night and that was nice. I did a face mask and washed my hair too and that was really needed. I also changed out of the pajamas that I have lived in the past couple of days. I also made sure I got dressed this morning before starting my school work. I wanna put a sweatshirt on but I know that will make me feel more lazy.

I am also gonna make my bed again because I sleep sideways and everyday I pull the sheets off in my sleep. There are a lot of productive things I want to do today. I should make a list (like I always do). To do list:

Do school work, paint, make bed, look for new clothes online, chug water, take the stickers off my laptop and put my Moorhead sticker on it, read some more, and enjoy the nice weather outside.

That sounds like a good amount of stuff to try and get done. I probably will procrastinate a lot but I will try my best. I also want to change my earring but I always say I will do it but I never do it so I will just let it happen when it happens.

I am dissociating like hell right now. I am going to get up and move a little and wash my face after I finish typing this. I hate feeling this tired and out of it. I have a hereditary form of insomnia and I don't usually sleep a lot but when I am super super depressed all I can do is sleep. One summer we were going through so much trauma that none of us could handle being awake so all we did was sleep.

I slept on the dock. I slept on a pile of bricks. I slept on a bench while giant machinery was running around me. I was always sleeping. I do not want that to happen again. I will stay awake as long as I can today so hopefully I can fix my sleep schedule. I am struggling to type today but I will continue as long as I can.

Let me tell you some stuff I found out the other day. I did not want to talk about this but because I don't use names in this I really do not think it will matter. So my old friend was over for my moms birthday (we were over six feet apart) and holy shit she has changed. When we were younger she was so against alcohol and any R rated things.

Now she has tried a couple drinks (with her family) and talks about how she would do stupid things if she could because we really do only have one life to live. She has always been pretty innocent and last time I checked she was in a really slow relationship with this guy. I always had a bad feeling about that guy but she insisted that he was straight and just nervous.

So they were a thing for a year or so and dated officially like two months. The quarantined made them call more and they ended up getting hella flirty and sending nudes and what not. I am not a good influence at all cause I was like yes baby girl you are beautiful so show that shit off! Two days later he told her he was gay.

As a gay guy my gaydar went off when I was around him but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But now he is out to quite a few people and oh my god he is a hoe (I do not mean that in a rude way). He downloaded grindr right away and has been talking to old freaking men and he flaunts that. I mean get that coin dude but maybe do not brag about it to the girl you pretended to be romantically into.

I was so not expecting that. I am not surprised he is gay I am just surprised he instantly got grindr. I am most surprised by the fact that she sent him pictures. No judgement at all but she has just always been so innocent. She has not even kissed anybody. What a legend.

That just makes me jealous though because my boyfriend is pansexual and we have been dating for seven and a half months and he does not ask to see my body. I get why he doesn't. I am glad he loves me for more than my body but holy shit sometimes I just want to feel hot. My best friend makes me feel really hot. That is nice and all but I am not dating him so it isn't like he really sees what I look like.

I just want to be more comfortable in my body and taking pictures makes me normally feel good. I might struggle with my body a lot but that does not mean I always feel gross. I definitely need a confidence boost now because my mental health is so downhill.

I think I will end here because I am so out of it. I have also been typing for almost two hours and that does not help. I definitely have to get up and move for a bit. Washing my face will be helpful too. Thank you for listening. I will see you Tuesday.