Journal

5/15/20

5/15/20- Good morning journal. Yesterday was rough but today so far has been better. I was on and off crying all day yesterday. I think I really just needed to let it all out. I hope today that does not happen again.

I asked my boyfriend if he was happy with me and he told me I was his world. He called me and I just sobbed. I did not tell him why I was upset because he has never had a dog and I knew he would think I was overreacting. He calmed me down though. He must have learned something these past eight months because he is getting smarter.

He asked me what animals I wanted and told me I could have them. He also added some animals he wants. Then he asked me what kind of vegetables I want to grow and then he told me he would cook me a bunch of good food. We also talked about having apple trees and berry bushes. It made me really happy.

He told me he will get me a farm some day. We will have a lot of animals and grow a lot of crops. We can make money off of it so that we can have more animals and crops. Maybe with that, my job, and his job we can have a successful little dream life. That sounds perfect.

Until then I have to keep him trapped. He is stuck with me and although he thinks I am the one stuck with him I must spin my web to make sure he stays stuck with me. I at least gotta keep him around for next year since I am required to go to all school dances. He definitely has to go with me. He has no choice.

I hope you can sense my sarcasm and humor. He is free to leave this relationship when he wants. He will have to stay my friend though because we have plans and I will not let those go. How bad can staying with me be? I am annoying and stupid but I know how to cook and give good massages. I just need to make him fat and happy and he will be fine.

I am slowly getting my stuff together. I realized last night that I am emotionally burnt out. I have been burning out for a couple of years now but recently I just crashed. I know what is wrong now. I know some of the causes. I can push through and be okay again.

First step is getting back on my workout routine. I have one day left for this two week challenge and I think I will take Sunday as a rest day and start a new 28 day challenge on Monday. I am also starting to eat healthier again and trying to motivate myself to want to meal prep. I will get more lemons so I can continue drinking lemon water.

Second step is working more on mental health. I can start meditating and taking ten minutes a day to just stop and breathe. I can do things I used to enjoy and play outside. I will do productive self care. I will take care of myself.

Third step is to let school just be school. There are fifteen days left. I am passing. I do not need all As right now I just need to pass. I should not be stressing so much about things that I can not really control. I am smart and I am doing my best. That is all that matters.

I will get my life back on track. Being burnt out is the reason I am no longer able to stay awake. The more I sleep the worse it gets so I have to work on myself to fix that. We stan getting better. It will take a long time but that is okay.

It is gonna be warm today. It is only like 55 outside right now but it will get to the upper sixties later. When I am done writing I am going to eat and watch a bit of my show and then enjoy the outside. I can play volleyball and take the small dog on a walk. I can fish with the big dog. It will be a fun day.

I really do think that being outside will make me feel so much better. It will give me more energy and give me fresh air. I love being outside. I hope there are enough fish to go fishing. When I look under our floating dock there are normally a couple fish and they are decent sized. I want to catch the big dog a fish.

Damn I might actually need some coffee. Or a nap. I am suddenly starting to fall asleep though. I saved this class for last today. I know I write better earlier in the morning but I needed motivation to get through my other classes. This class is 100% my favorite class ever.

I know it would be better doing a lot of actual projects in class but I am glad that I have a space to just write what I want. I have a free range for my creativity. I am documenting my crazy mood changes during this quarantine. Maybe people can relate to this.

I want to start writing more short stories and stuff again but I think just typing my thoughts and feelings have been too therapeutic to start writing about other things. Maybe this summer I will start another journal and try to write a couple pages a week or a page a day where I can challenge my creativity. That sounds like fun.

My projector is coming soon and I am really excited. I feel like being able to watch movies on a cool ass projector will help my creativity. Laying in bed and watching classic horror movies sounds like it would really help me write more. I really want to develop a good horror writing style.

Life goal is to have my boyfriend enjoy my horror stories because he is almost as much of a horror fanatic as me. If he actually enjoyed one of my stories then I could die happy. That is the dream. I feel like everything has been done before though so it might be a bit of a challenge.

Maybe I will learn to write poetry again. Writing horror poetry sounds badass. That would be hella rad. I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I probably will not get them all done but it is nice having the list.

My brain has clocked out today. I think I am going to have to call it a day. I am either gonna take a quick nap or chug some coffee. I really wanna just do both to be honest. I probably will just take a nap though. I will see you on Monday.