Journal

4/22/20

4-22-20 Good morning. It is still Kasim for some reason. I talked to Wybie last night for a little bit. He said he does not want to front unless his best friend wants to talk (which is always though) or when his boyfriend needs help with chem or something. He explained that he does not want to front when nobody wants or needs him. He sounded so hurt and broken.

I am trying to work on ways to help him feel better but I am not good at that. I am working on a lot of things though. I have been told by someone who works in the school district that later today it will be announced that there is no school for the rest of the year and that we are switching to pass or fail grades instead of letter grades. I am still gonna work my *** off to pass all the classes and do them good but I am glad that I do not have to stress over letter grades.

I am turning one of our instagram accounts into a health account. It was an account with pictures of us to help boost confidence and get better at editing photos. We are now gonna use that account to document our mental health and physical health journey and hopefully help others and talk about their progress and what not.

Then I am gonna restructure our other accounts. One is an LGBT account that we share with others so that will stay the same. The main account is a meme account and I dont exactly know what Im gonna do with the captions. The last account is a system account and that is gonna be more of a place for all of us to have a voice and post what we want while also doing some educational stuff.

We are going to get our **** together. I am also gonna work at filming and editing more videos for youtube. We did really good for a couple of months but other than that we have not had the proper mental health to film and post videos. I am hoping to fix that. Our energy alter Kyle used to edit all our videos but I have been front stuck so I will have to learn.

I can also go through both of the accounts on our laptop and get rid of all the pointless things that take up storage. There are so many things I can think about doing and somehow I do it all everyday. I do not stop, I just go and I do not know how I do it. I have not passed out from exhaustion yet so it is fine.

I think I might try to go through our clothes and decide what we actually want to keep and what we dont when we get new clothes. A lot of our clothes are way too big and we have such a variety of colors and patterns and I know that stresses a lot of us out. I want to figure out a color scheme so we can start thinking about clothes that we can get that will please as many alters as possible.

There is so much I need to do and so much that I want to do. I feel so stressed and calm at the same time. How do people without alters get up and function every day? This stuff is so hard. Especially now because I am dissociating again.

I am going to make a list of things I want to get done today so that I can calm down a bit. To do list:

Order a projector and something else that the system has wanted for awhile, go through clothes, go through laptop, film and edit video, restart account, and work on art.

That is a lot of stuff but I am sure when I stop dissociating it won't seem like so much. Nothing is helping though so I might be a bit screwed. I tried working out a little bit, drinking water, and eating but I am still so out of it.

I am sorry I did not get two pages done today but I am struggling. I feel so sick and dizzy and I do not want to vomit or pass out so I have to go lay down for a bit. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. We will see you tomorrow.