Journal

5/29/20

5/29/20- Good morning journal. I am having a freaking morning. It is not bad. I am just slightly annoyed that the big dog and my dog are wrestling and screaming on my bed. But good news the big dog is okay! The lymes disease is not the kind that will shut down her kidneys.

I am so relieved to hear that. Last night she came downstairs and slept with me all night. She was my cuddle buddy. I love her so so much. She is a complete moron though. She got tangled up on the dock trying to get a stick and then she tried bringing it up on the deck. She let go of it and it started sliding down the stairs.

She tried grabbing it but the leash got in her way so she left it. I picked it up so that there was not a giant stick on the deck and she lost her mind. She is well aware that sticks do not go in the house. She also knows that sticks do not go inside. I believe she thinks ruled do not exist anymore because we let her bring some of her indoor toys outside.

We make her bring her inside toys back inside though. She might not be bright but she knows the rules. For some reason today she thought rules do not exist. I think it might be the hype of having the best sleepover ever last night. My sleepovers are the best.

My boyfriend texted me yesterday. He apologized for not being on his phone much and then sent me a picture of him and some flowers he planted. I don't know why but that just made me more annoyed. Like you can not just keep coming in every once in awhile and pretend things are normal. I love him but I do not like being left alone.

He called last night but I was having an argument with the big dog. After that we just layed in silence. An hour later he asked how my day was. I said it was fine and he said his was long. Obviously I said I am sorry that sucks. Then we went back to being in silence. I was like wow I feel so loved right now.

It was really late at night and I was getting bored and I kept yawning. He asked if I was really tired and I responded with no. He was like but you keep yawning. My dumb ass went ¨Yeah cause I am bored¨ and he was like oh fair enough. BOYYYYYY! That is not the correct response. I will give him a pass because I know he had a long day and was probably tired.

He said he would call me this morning but I am sure we all know that is not gonna happen. And if he does call and he sounds uninterested I might lose my shit. I am so tired of not being treated right. It would be so simple for him to fix things. I have told him so many times that I am unhappy with where we are. I love him but I can not handle only being talked to once a week.

He could legit just text me in the morning saying he will be really busy all day and I would be fine. But he just does not text me for days or even weeks. He said he would always be there when I need him. When I text him during a breakdown or when things get rough in my house having him texted me four days later does not help.

He does not even know I changed my name. He does not know I came out to my therapist. He does not know anything that has been going on for the past couple months. I love him but I am so done. At this point I feel like even if he does step up I do not even know how to talk to him. I do not want to lose him but this is not working. I want a relationship with someone who I can call a best friend. Or even just a friend at this point.

I think I just have not been in the best place lately. I am probably overreacting. I don't know. If he calls today I will probably talk to him about it. I should be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a happy relationship. I just need to remember that. I need to remember that it is okay to stand up for myself.

There have been a lot of issues in the world. One of the newest issues is PrideFall. A group of 4chan users are plotting to target LGBT accounts or businesses supporting the LGBT community. They plan on sending hate messages, posting disturbing images, and doxxing accounts. It has a lot of the community on edge.