Journal

4/17/20

4/17/20- Good morning journal. It is extra early today. My dad wants to take me and my brother fishing and he wants to leave by eleven. I can not finish everything in three hours. Luckily I can do this whenever I want to. I am starting early by doing it at 7:12 in the morning. This requires me to give up half of my morning routine but writing is worth it.

I woke up feeling decent. I weighed myself like I do everyday (it is obsessive but I am trying to stop) and I realized that after hours of working out yesterday I gained half a pound. It probably is just water and stuff but damn that hurt. I decided I needed a genuine break from the obsessive working out and everything. I am going to start weighing myself only on Sundays and I am going to spend a couple days resting and working on maintenance before I start working out everyday again. Maybe I will start having some more rest days.

I need to be nicer to my body. I need to feed it healthily and give it time to rest. That is the hardest thing with quarantine. I feel lazy because I am not leaving the house and because I don't work out fifteen hours a day even though now I have the time (okay maybe not that much). I am also always surrounded by food and my family's terrible eating habits. I need to remember it is okay to relax and to enjoy food.

Ughhhhh I just want to be where I want to be already. I mean I love doing healthy life stuff but I do not like how my disordered brain thinks. It has been around four months of this. It is worth it physically (normally mentally) but lately it has been killing my brain. I am freaking amazing so I should feel amazing.

Like damn I am cute. I am an okay height. I have pretty good skin, great teeth, decent hair, and cool eyes. I have decently strong arms. My tummy is squishy and cuddly. My legs are hella strong but also squishy. I am a cute little cuddly bear. I am hot. I should be more confident.

But at the same time I have acne. And really thin hair that badly needs to be shaved. My arms are not that strong and they are kinda flabby. My tummy is too chubby and sticks out too much. My legs are not strong enough yet. I have a lot of flaws.

I can recognize flaws and imperfections and I can recognize how handsome I am. So why can't I ever just feel good about myself and just work on getting stronger because it makes me feel good? Why is it always centered around my weight and how my stomach looks? I am more than that. I am a whole freaking human and people should treat me like that.

If you're thick, if you're skinny, if you're phat (pretty, hot, and thick) then own it. People are so freaking beautiful and I hate when they put each other down. They do not deserve to feel bad about themselves and neither do I. I need to hype myself up more. Everyone needs to hype themselves up more.

I have mentioned how I do not talk to my boyfriend that much anymore. I do talk to my ex and my best friend Sent a lot though. And boy do they gas me up. I sent them a picture of my tummy and complain they just sit there like ¨damnnnnnn baby boy you're freaking hot!¨ and I'm like what? But damn baby boy I am hot so I should own it. I wish my man would hype me up too but he never asks to see my face or anything. Sent is out there like ¨hey cutie send me your smile¨ or ¨lemme see what you look like¨ (these are not the actual words he uses).

He gases me up so hard. He is my number one hype man. If your best friend don't hype you up then you need a new best friend. I like boosting regular friends' confidence. I have a friend who sends me a lot of shirtless pictures but rarely lets me see his hair because he normally thinks it looks bad (it does not). He is underweight and I am worried about him but you can also see some abs because of it so I like to point that out. He will send me a mirror picture and I will be like ¨look at those abs thoughhhh¨ and he responds with a picture of him smiling.

Who does not love seeing someone smile? When people genuinely smile especially when it is because they got complimented it makes me so happy. Everyone deserves to smile and love themselves. Wow I really do keep saying the same things over and over again. But I really do not care cause I want to keep reminding you to love yourself.

This is why I should not be allowed to have a laptop at 7:38 in the morning. I think this was a terrible idea. I am sure that it will help me in the long run. After this I am going to start my four other classes and then quickly get dressed and get ready in hopes that I can go fishing. This trip requires sleeping in a car with my dad and brother and possibly the big dog. It will not be the funnest trip but is an adventure and that is what I need.

I hope the big dog comes. She slept with me for half of last night. She laid right on top of me and I was sweating my butt off. It was worth it though cause big dog cuddles are the best cuddles. I also called my boyfriend and he spent most of the time reading instagram posts to me. It was cute at first but then it was random stuff or things I have seen before and it got annoying. It was a decent night though.

I slept kinda poorly cause I kept waking up but sleep is sleep so I will take what I can get. I find that when I sleep with the big dog I have less bad dreams and I sleep better. Sadly the mom did have to work last night so when she came home at midnight she took the dog and put her in her kennel. The moms old lady she takes care of had to go to the hospital for a while cause they thought she was having a stroke. I do not know what exactly happened but she is home now and her daughter is obsessively cleaning everything.

At least she is okay and now the mom can work. She might not work everyday but when she does work I can finally relax at home. I can not wait till this lock down is over so she works again everyday. I hate being locked in a house with my family almost every day. I want them all to go away for a week once this is over so I can relax a bit. I want them to leave the animals with me though.

I think that is it for today guys. It has been fun and I don't think I have ever written two pages so quickly in my life. I did not think my thoughts through at all I just typed. I apologize for whatever mess you just read. I hope it wasn't too bad. I will see you on monday.