Caraphernelia ((Kellic))

Chapter 31

So this chapter is gonna sound really deep at some parts because some of the conversations and stuff I'm getting from those cute textposts that everyone says are super cheesy and annoying but everyone secretly loves them. I'll try to put some of them into my own words but yeah.

~Victoria .-.

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Vic's POV

After we were both done getting dressed we made some pizza rolls, set up the blankets and pillows, put on some background music and set up camp on the bus floor.

Then came the awkward tension and small talk.

Sure we were friends again but we could sense the unsaid words between us. We could sense the other just wanting to say something but neither wanted to be man enough to say it. But, eventually, Kellin spoke up through the silence.

"You know, you and I used to talk a lot. What the hell happened?" he points out.

"I know what you mean. It's like, we used to talk everyday but now we can barely get through a simple conversation." I add in, him sighing as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Can I say something?" I ask.

"Go ahead." he motions with a nod.

"Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed or in my bunk at night, I really miss you." I whisper.

"Same here."

"There's more. This isn't the ordinary I-miss-you type of thing where I wish you were here with me. This is the type of miss that feels like a part of me is missing as if it's gone and I need it back. That's the type of miss I feel. Not the I-want-you-with-me but the I-need-you-with-me." I explain in a small voice.

"I know exactly what you mean. Like how when I lay in bed and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you and I'm wondering if, maybe, you're thinking about me." he confesses, looking away.

"Hell, I can barely even look at you while saying this stuff because I've kept it all inside of my head for so damn long."

"Would it be better if I shut off the lights so that you wouldn't have to see me?" I offer. He nods and watches as I stand to flip the switch, bathing the bus in darkness. I sit down right after, looking at Kellin's silhouette in the pitch black.

"Can I tell you something that I have noticed but me nor anyone else has told you, yet?" he whispers in uncertainty.

"What is it?" I question curiously.

"Well, I've noticed that you say you're happy when you're really not. Your eyes don't sparkle like they used to, your voice doesn't travel like before, and your smile doesn't glisten like it once did in the past. Can you tell me what's wrong?" Sighing in fear at his observations, I answer him.

"You want the truth? All those times, for these past two years, where I've said that "I'm okay". Well, I lied. The truth is that I'm not okay. I've always kept it a secret because I didn't want to make it so obvious that you are the only thing that makes me okay." I explain in fearful tones.

I can barely see him look at me with wide and surprised eyes.

"You really mean that?" he asks me.

"I really do. And sometimes I wonder why I didn't tell you how I really felt but then I remember that I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what." he questions.

"I'm afraid of losing you again." I whisper. "Because the last time I lost you, I lost my everything. I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, my smile, my tears, my everything and I'm afraid that I'm going to fuck everything up lose you again."

Kellin's POV (A/N: That was quick)

"Oh. I didn't know that." I mumble, surprise in my voice.

"I know and that's because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know just how much I hated myself for the pain that I caused you. Even now I don't understand know why you still bother with me. Why would you want to be anywhere near me when I'm the one that broke your heart?" he states with hatred for himself laced within his voice.

"Because I've always loved you and goddamnit it I hate that. I hate how much I love you because even when I felt like leaving you behind and forgetting about you I just couldn't. I couldn't because I knew that I loved you." I screamed in frustrated certainty at my words.

"Then why have you been ignoring and avoiding me lately?" he yelled back at me.

My voice lowers at my next statement.

"Because I felt that if I stayed away then I would slowly lose interest in you so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much."

"And how did you actually feel when doing that?" he questioned.

"I felt worse without you than I did while with you." I confessed. He opens his mouth once he's sure I'm done.

"Do you want to know how I felt after you left me after that moment two years ago?" I nod and listen as he takes a deep breath to begin.

"I was in one of those constant moods where I just wanted to grab everything and rip it from the walls and break everything because all I felt was broken and I just wanted to scream and kick and cry because absolutely nothing felt right and I didn't know what was going on or who I was anymore. And it was fucking scary because I never knew how bad that feeling would be until I actually felt it." he explains in eerie remembrance.

"Do you want to know how I felt?" I ask him. He nods, obviously frightened at this.

"I felt like everything that I had ever loved had been ripped away from me and I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore because I felt like everyone would break that trust. There was some days where I just wanted to be in your arms and kiss you and hug you and love you again but then there were days where I couldn't even look at you or talk to you or even think about you without feeling angry and broken and oh so fucking pissed. I began closing off my emotions around everyone and pushing them to the back of my head. I refused to cry or let any emotion show so that no one could read me. But then, as soon as I was alone, I would break down and scream and cry and break things because I would think about you and feel the pain of that night all over again. And it hurt so much and I had no idea why I still cared but I knew that I was in love with you. I just didn't want to admit it." I explained in painful clarity every single one of the feelings that I've been hiding from everyone.

"I......I didn't know. I hadn't realized just how much I've hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm truly, madly, deeply sorry for all that I've done to you and for all that I've made you feel. You did not deserve any of that." he whispers, apologizing in ways that made me feel slightly better. And I knew that he was telling the truth.

Because you can always say sorry but the real apology is when you hear the sadness in their voice and you see the look in their eyes. And you realize that they have hurt themselves just as much.

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So I have a feeling that this will be split into three separate chapters. Chapters 30-32 are all during the same day so yeah. I'll try and get chapter 32 in by tonight.

But wow this chapter was so fucking deep. Credits to the people who I got some ideas from. I did put a lot of them into my own words but wow this entire chapter was so deep.

Song for this chapter: "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven

~Victoria .-.