He Will Be Mine

Chapter 24: The Talk

*** Matt's POV ***

Tyler left to see Aly and Trevor went to class, so I decide to invite Jess over so we can talk. I keep trying to convince myself that it isn't the right time, or it's not a good time, but I'm realizing that I'm never going to feel like there is a right time. I need to just get it over with. It went well with Aly, and though I know it's wishful thinking, I'm hoping it goes okay with Jess, too.

I pace the living room anxiously waiting for her to get here until finally I hear her knock at the door. When I open it, she charges in and comes right at me for a kiss.

"I was so glad you texted. It's not often that you're in the mood this early," she says in a seductive tone, and I realize she has misunderstood.

I can see how that happened, though. There's a sort of routine to our time together, and generally if one of us asks to get together outside of that, it's for a booty call. I tried to make it apparent that I wanted to talk about something important, but I guess she thought that was my version of being vaguely suggestive.

I let her get one kiss in and then gently pull her off me and push her back slightly. "No, babe, I need to talk to you about something important. I need you to listen."

She steps back and assumes her defensive, impatient posture that I've become all too familiar with lately. "Ugh, fine. What is it?"

"Come sit down with me so we can talk," I suggest, gesturing toward the couch.

Her face changes from impatient to concerned and she follows me over to the couch. "Baby, you're scaring me," she says. "Just tell me what it is."

After we both sit, I turn and face her, taking one of her hands in mine. I exhale a breath and try to look her in the eyes. It's challenging, though. I hate the idea of having to see her expression as I tell her this.

"Jess, I love you, but I think we're going too fast. I know you think it's time for us to get married, but I'm not so sure. I thought that by now I would be feeling better about it, but I'm just not. I have a lot I still need to think about and consider, and I've been thinking a lot about it lately and have decided that what I need is more time and space to think it through. I have to make sure I'm marrying you for the right reasons, and not because I feel like I have to."

I haven't finished everything I wanted to say before she cuts me off, her impatience breaking through again.

"What are you saying, Matt? Just spit it out," she demands with a tone that lets me know she's already angry and upset. She pulls her hand away from mine and seems to shrink away from me a little.

I sigh, knowing she isn't going to react well. "I'm saying I think we should take a little break, and chill out with all the wedding plans and stuff for now."

"You're breaking up with me?" she asks with a shrill tone that borders on a shriek. I can see the tears creeping in at the sides of her eyes, and it kills me. I already regret starting this conversation.

I reach out to try to take her hand and comfort her some, but she yanks it away from me.

"No, I'm not saying we should break up. Just take a break, like pushing pause for a little bit," I try to explain.

I can't help but keep borrowing the phrase Aly's mom provided for me. "Pushing pause" is exactly what it feels like I want. I don't want anything to change, just stop and give me a minute to think. Everything has been so overwhelming.

"What the hell, Matt? Why would you even ask me to marry you if you weren't sure?"

She is definitely angry now, bordering on yelling at me.

"Jess, are you serious? Do you not remember the conversation not that long ago where you told me that you would break up with me if I didn't do it soon?"

She shoots out of her seat and turns and points her finger at me as though she is scolding me. "I didn't mean for you to do it if you didn't actually want me! Do you know how embarrassing it will be to tell everyone we're not getting married after I made such a big deal about it?"

"I do want you! I just don't know if I'm ready to get married yet! I haven't even finished college!" I find myself shouting back at her.

"That doesn't make any sense! The wedding isn't even until after we graduate!"

I take a breath and try to temper my own tone and bring this back to a calm, rational discussion. "That's all beside the point. The point is I just need a minute, okay? Please, just try to understand where I'm coming from. I'm really struggling here, and I'm just asking for your support and understanding."

"I think I understand perfectly," she shoots back bitterly. "You were all gung-ho about getting married until you met Aly. I'm not stupid, I see something going on there. So, I'm supposed to just step back and take a 'break' so you can move her in?"

"That's not what's going on here. Aly and I are just friends, I swear. My struggle with whether I'm ready to marry you has nothing to do with her."

I want that to be true, though I'm not so sure. I do know that all the thinking I've done about all this has led me to believe that I was conflicted about Jess even before Aly came along, it was just easier to convince myself it was what I wanted before she was in front of me. I'm beginning to think that my desire to have a love like my parents do got the best of me and I went for the first person to show an interest in a relationship like that with me.

"Whatever, Matt," she says in a disgusted tone, scoffing and flopping back down on the couch beside me, her arms crossed over her chest. "Look, I'll give you a little time. I'll go back to my apartment and leave you alone for a while. But I'm not telling my parents anything. They'll flip out. And just know that I'm not waiting around for you forever. You take all the time you need, but if I get sick of waiting for you to give a crap about our future together, I might just move on without you."

Her words chill me in a way I can't quite figure out. It sounds like a threat, or maybe another ultimatum. It's not her flat-out breaking up with me, though, so I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars. It honestly is better than I expected. Maybe we can talk about it some more in a day or two when she has thought it over some more and chilled out a bit.

I find myself clinging to my wavering faith in our relationship, hoping that she cares enough about me to care about my needs and help me find my way through this.