Dear X,
Kira was her name; the girl who took it. To this day I can't breathe under the covers without freaking out, nor can I breathe through my mouth and avoid flashbacks of those nights. I told my friends that I just have troubles breathing through my mouth (which isn't a total lie), but of course this made them plug my nose more often just to mess with me. Whenever they manage to get me to gasp for breath I'm no longer there with them, I'm back at her house and it smells like sweat and bodies and I can feel her skin on mine once more. I can taste her and mint gum-we always had some after, yet another thing I don't like because of her-sometimes I can feel the water beginning to well up in my eyes.
When my sister told me what sex was two years later, she specifically said multiple times that it was for someone special and you can't get it back. That night I broke down crying because 6 year old me didn't know what the hell she was doing. After that year I tried to stop with them.
Yes, them.
Yes, tried.
Kira wasn't the only one. She only led me to believe that that's just what friends do, unless I didn't want to be friends with her. Why did I believe her? The influence of my cousin Sophie. She kissed me a lot, said it was normal. If it wasn't, then why did all the princesses and princes from fairy tales do it? "You wanna be a princess, don't you?" she asked. "No," my 5 year old self replied, "I wanna be a prince." She agreed to let me be a prince if I would kiss her. We used tongue sometimes, but that's as far as we went.
Back to what I previously stated: Kira wasn't the only one. That's what friends did according to her, and I had never had friends before (excluding Ryan who was my only friend in kindergarten). She introduced me to Brittany, Mikayla, and Hope. All three of them were mistakes, and so was Courtney. Courtney and Mikayla were only once, Brittany was no more than five, but Hope and Kira are a different story. Thinking about it now, I feel like a slut.
I know you told me that my mom was lying when she called me a whore, but right now I'm having a rough time believing that. I asked one of my friends what he thought a whore was, he said it's probably when you've been naked in front of other girls a lot (if you're a girl), which pretty much means me. Another said its when you throw yourself at girls seeking attention. I'm not sure which is correct, if either of them are, but I sincerely hope the former isn't. That describes me.
I hope he's not doing that to you anymore. You know what I'm talking about.
-Casely
