Dear X,
They're smart. They don't stop trying, but it won't work. I'm not leaving my house for the rest of the summer. He's figured it out, he knows what I'm doing. That douche. Of course I won't tell him he's right, that'd be stupid, if I told him then he'd know EXACTLY what to do to break me. It won't work. There are some people you just can't ignore. I feel awful trying to ignore Ella. She cried 5 times that day and I couldn't just let that happen. She needs to get rid of her blades and everything else she hurts herself with, I don't want her to break the deal. I can't believe I thought she was happy. I can't believe I said that to her. "What's it like being happy?" No wonder she didn't answer. Her response was just as good as mine. I hate myself for thinking that. I'm so stupid. She has such a great smile, she always laughs the hardest even at simple little things. Other people don't understand.
I'm honestly sick of this shit. I'm sick of being depressed. I want to be happy right fucking now. I want my parents to wake the fuck up and take me to a doctor now. I don't care how late it is, I wanna be put on medication or something, I just want to feel better! Even if I had the balls to ask my parents to let me talk to a doctor about it they'd say "yeah okay, we'll go when we have time". Then we'll never have time, or even when we do the doctor's office will be closed or my mom will be too tired to take me and we won't go. A few months ago my mom promised me counseling and guess what happened. Not counseling, that's for sure. It pisses me off because I want help and she won't do shit, never mind my dad who I barely ever see. Even when I do he either ignores me or yells at me. Don't believe that she won't do shit? Need more evidence? Okay, April 12, 2001, my 10th birthday. On this wonderful day in 4th grade I first realized I was suicidal. How? Well, after something my mom did sent me over the edge I took my shower like I was planning right before she did what she did, and I threw myself against the walls. I kept screaming at the top of my lungs "I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF! I DESERVE TO DIE! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!" After that my mom dragged me out of the shower when she found the cord from the detachable shower head around my neck. She sent me to my room and I tried choking myself with my own bare hands then smothering myself with a pillow. Think my younger self was being dramatic? Okay, so did she. Understandable. Late May, 2013. The social studies teacher found cuts on my arm in mod and told the principal about it who sent home a letter to my parents. They told me they got the letter. They talked to me about it and how it was an issue. They sent me to my room. That was it. Late April, 2014. I got lazy. My mom went into my room when she WASN'T FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GO INTO MY ROOM, and she found my blades clumsily thrown underneath my blanket. Asked me to show her my wrists-idiot, she didn't know I had started cutting my stomach-saw nothing, and left with the blades I treasured. August 13, 2014. Went into my room once a-fucking-gain and went through a small bag I had hanging on the handle of a cupboard in the corner, took both my blades and my lighters, didn't say shit to me. I wasn't there when it happened, but I noticed what was gone. How could I not? March 16, 2015, the bitch walked into my room after opening the closed door without knocking as if she owned the damn place (I get that she owns the house but it's my room damnit) and saw me changing, my scar covered stomach fully exposed. Just turned around and walked out. Didn't say anything. That wasn't the first time she's walked in on me like that. I hate it.
One of my friends who I honestly do care about pisses me off so much. She doesn't deserve it either, I just get mad at her so easily. I'm not sur-don't say that, Casely. You know why you get mad at her. She always is so positive, and that's great, but she doesn't understand. I told her I was in a bad mood and she said "I hope you feel better soon!" No, I will not feel better soon are you fucking stupid!? I've been trying to feel better and it hasn't fucking worked! I don't think. You saying you hope I will is gonna help. "Maybe you should just try to not think about bad things." She said that. To my face. She was lucky I didn't punch her in the throat. Well excuuuse me, but I can't help that I constantly think about all the 'bad things'. They just come to me and they don't go away. 'Try doing more things that make you happy." You don't understand. HARDLY ANYTHING MAKES ME HAPPY. My family doesn't make me happy. Sports don't make me happy. Sleep doesn't make me happy. Food doesn't make happy. My friends don't make me happy. Nothing that used to give me joy makes me happy anymore! Get that through your thick skull. I am not a positive person and my serotonin levels will forever messed up along with my melatonin levels. Oh well. That just sucks for me. I'll get over it. No, I won't. I honestly cannot wait until I die, then the world and myself will be better off.
-Casely
