Dear X,
For a class I recorded a video with some of the popular people for my presentation. I couldn't do much other than hold the camera because I'm just a failure, I even struggled at that. But that's besides the point. When we were filming I laughed a lot because I thought it was okay since these people normally laughed a shit ton. They told me I needed to stop giggling and being so loud, so I did. I didn't smile for the rest of the period, and I don't think they noticed. Last year I was told I laughed too much, so I stopped. Nobody noticed.
This girl who sits next to me in science pointed out how whenever I laugh I always look down, cover up my face, and start to crouch down. I didn't think I did that. Throughout the period she pointed it out every time I did it, so apparently I do do that every time. It's interesting what you can notice about a person in a couple minutes, something they never even knew themselves. I think the reason I always curl up when I'm laughing or embarrassed is because I want to shrink into nothing and die. My body must be listening to my brain, because that happens a lot more than it should. If it's not that then it's because I don't want people to hear my laugh. It's awful, and fake most of the time.
The asshole was back. I still don't know why he was gone yesterday, but I felt better when I saw him.
Ashlyn didn't talk to me today.
-Casely
