Dear X,
I told someone about you and they questioned why I write to you even though you won't ever read these. I asked why they bother to eat when they're going to die anyway. -1 friend. Great job Casely, you idiot. I can honestly say that I understand why people don't like me. Not because I hate myself (even though I do), but because I have dreadful flaws that even piss myself off. Also I'm a major hypocrite. I hate when people are hypocrites. In our world it's not easy to fit in with the crowd, but it is easy to blend in with the background and I can't even do that.
When I was in fifth grade the incident happened and I remember taking a shower and screaming that I hated myself, that I didn't deserve to live and wanted to die. That has not changed. Now I just don't shout it when I'm crying. The year before that when the doctor diagnosed me with depression I moved around a lot. I was constantly switching with my mom and dad ever since the night my mom woke me up and took me to my grandma's house at 3 am. I didn't go back to see my dad for weeks. They were even going to get a divorce. I was really sad they didn't. I figured that when they went to court and decided who got custody, I could say that I didn't want to live with either of them. I hadn't wanted to since I was 7. I really wish I could live with someone else, but that's not happening.
I got mad at my sister a lot for leaving me with them. I constantly had visions of her dying. That's when the nightmares started and I woke up wanting to cry. Every day. She's the only one who didn't leave me. I know that she's not always with me, but she can't be. She lives so far away. Soon enough she'll take me into her house and I won't have to leave. Once I grabbed a knife and held it to my mom's neck in her sleep. I was addicted to that power. She caught me though, and I wasn't allowed to use a knife for a month. I overheard her talking to my dad and say that there was something wrong with me. He said that they should send me to a mental institute. I know they won't, but anywhere is better than here.
-Casely
