Dear X,
One of my friends noticed cuts on my arm on Wednesday. They were so close to being gone, the scabs had almost healed, but he still saw. To this day they're still there. I felt bad because it was his blade I used, I took it from him with the intent to throw it away. He didn't need to be doing that, I never planned on using it because I have my own. I'm disappointed in myself. This is probably the second time I've cut my wrists in the past two years. I prefer my stomach. It's too much work to hide it when it's on your wrists, but Tate texted me and you and I both know he's my biggest trigger. I'll talk more about that later. I was doing good though. I went three days, I was so happy. Then, all of a sudden I wanted to break my veins open. I found a quote that said "The most powerful drug for a human is another human." Well, I don't exactly disagree but I don't exactly agree either. It's complicated. I am a realist, a pessimist, and an optimist. I'm not sure how that can be, but I know I am.
I was shocked when Tate texted me on Wednesday. It was unexpected, to say the least. I'm really mad at him for texting me, but I guess it's nice knowing I can still talk to him. He told me that he smashed his blades and cut the rope he had. 'No more cutting, no more suicide tries. I'm turning my life around.' I'm proud of him, honestly, I am. But I know Tate. I know how he is. He's never seemed this serious about it before, so maybe this time is different. Still, after countless deals of trying to stop cutting, so many "If you die, I'll die to"s were said, promises of "I'll never leave you" that ended being broken, I don't know why I care anymore.
Parker had a shit day on Thursday. I don't know what happened, but he came up to me and hugged me in the hallway. I could feel him shaking, I thought he was crying. The period before this I walked into the bathroom and some of his 'friends' were in there and said "You can't be in here unless you hate Parker." I left. In the very last period some preps and possibly two of his friends were talking shit about him. I didn't say anything. I had nothing to say. This girl was mocking him, saying the words he said in an annoying tone. I was there to hear the way he said it and I felt sympathy for him, but when she said it there was only pity. I don't like pitying people.
-Casely
